[stahrgeyzer]

Thanks. Fever is gone. My sister thinks it was just food poisoning. I have a COVID test in a few hours.

[stahrgeyzer]

I’m feel sooo dissociated lol. I get up and do things but who knows where I’ll end up.

[stahrgeyzer]

Feel like I’m coming unglued! Fever is kinda back but soar throat now. But that’s not even it. Just sent email to T requesting early therapy. Just having bad thoughts about myself. No sense saying more bc it’ll be trigger warning.

I feel like I shouldn't have had that spicy food yesterday.

my body doesn't agree with spicy food, so I should have known better, but their wasn't much in the house... at least not until my grocery shop arives on friday

[stahrgeyzer]

My corona test came back negative. I've spent the day using online symptom diagnostic checkers. Nothing that screams "my symptoms." But I keep thinking about how my sleep patterns have drastically changed over the past week. Normally I go to bed around 10pm, but that changed to 2 to 3pm. Also about the same time I stopped eating junk food and only ate veggies, fruits, nuts, some low fat chicken. Also started exercising. And then I started getting so irritable with intense surges of depression and SI, which could be caused by all of the sudden changes. So I read that sudden changes to sleep patterns and your circadian rhythms alone is like dropping a bomb to your system, which is well known to cause physical symptoms such as fevers, headaches, fatigue. I'm guessing all of the above is the most likely cause.

groceries came today. really nice delivery gal too

glad it's the weekend, especially friday- I just had my weekly mcdonalds which was really nice.

showered today and that hurt the hell out of me, but at least I'm not doing anything too bad I guess

[stahrgeyzer]

Had an extra therapy day this week, today. I was so angry today at so many things, from 1st T to humans in general. T could tell immediately I was upset. She was so amazing at handling it, it just amazes me. She was so caring and soft spoken. She gave me EMDR for the trauma my 1st T gave me. At the end of therapy I felt good.

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

Had an extra therapy day this week, today. I was so angry today at so many things, from 1st T to humans in general. T could tell immediately I was upset. She was so amazing at handling it, it just amazes me. She was so caring and soft spoken. She gave me EMDR for the trauma my 1st T gave me. At the end of therapy I felt good.

I am almost envious.

if I had a therapist as good as yours, I wouldn't have had to go threw 9 of them to start off with- and perhaps (no for sure) I'd feel more comfortable sharing my thoughts

[stahrgeyzer]

@raging vortex I can't imagine going through 9 therapists! Sometimes I call my present therapist my 2nd therapist but I've had 3 Ts + temporary T for DID, unless you count the half dozen in the psychward, which I don't. My 2nd T was a social worker and didn't even seem like a therapist. It was over the phone. Most of the time she didn't say anything lol. Kind of strange feeling not seeing who you're talking to and when they rarely talk. Makes you feel like you're talking to yourself.

As for my present (3rd T) wasn't easy sharing my thoughts with her early on because of what I went through with the first T, but she quickly won over my trust.

And then there's the 4th T, the DID specialists, a temporary T, never meant to replace present T. He's a neuropsychologist (still don't know what that is) and a clinical hypnotherapist. He made me feel so uncomfortable. He's had like a 100 years of experience lol.

Hope you find what you want! One of these days if you feel like it I'd love to hear about your experiences.

[stahrgeyzer]

I have a demon inside of me. A sick part. It does bad things in the middle of the night while I’m asleep.

I feel so sad because I know only one way to end it, before it hurts someone.

How could there be a God?

My world has collapsed and is over!

[stahrgeyzer]

Im so afraid how to cancel therapy forever without hurting my therapist’s feelings. She’s tried so hard to save me. It just makes me want to cry

[stahrgeyzer]

We felt the responsibility to update people about Paul. He's safe dormant inside the void for the past few days. We love Paul. We're not demons. We're part of him. We've managed to talk his therapist into continuing therapy. It's not easy. One step at a time. Take care, beautiful lovely people. Clara

[Breaking Dawn]

I have to say that this is where I kind of feel like I might belong. I have the voices who harm me. I have the kind of inner personality that has accepted too much & doesn't complain very much. I love so much! I want so much to be healed. My heart hurts quite often. Other times I'm extremely thankful for so many things. I know I am very lucky in many respects, especially for the good fortune to have found these forums.

[stahrgeyzer]

This is Paul. I don't remember being in a void, but I'm feeling better now. Even so, I'm too afraid to tell my trauma therapist about all this. She worries enough about me.

@Breaking Dawn Wishing you and all your parts the best. As you know, every system's different. And everyone is valid! I still don't understand DID. It's hard for me to accept. My trauma therapist says everyone has parts. It's just that parts in some people are more separated. Even normal/typical people can sleep walk and do things while asleep, but have no memory when they wake up. Some people go for walks around the neighborhood while sleep walking. Some people open the refrigerator and make a meal while sleep walking. Even my DID neuropsychologist says they don't really understand much of the brain yet.

[stahrgeyzer]

Nothing feels right lately. I often wonder if I died and this is the afterlife. This doesn’t feel like my body.

Not much can be done. Just relax. Don’t panic. Go for a walk.

[stahrgeyzer]

Today’s therapy. Kinda nervous. Last I remember I canceled therapy forever. And then the week before I also canceled therapy forever. So I’m afraid she’s getting tired of me canceling. Nothing feels right! It’s like I’ve never met my T before.

[Breaking Dawn]

I've been going back in time.

[stahrgeyzer]

My therapy today was the best ever! I've never felt so much love and care from anyone before. I was telling her about a post I made last week asking if someone ended their life would the police contact their therapist, and that two therapists replied saying No, that the police contact their nearest kin. T asked me why I wanted to know. I said I wanted to be certain you didn't find out because I don't want you to be hurt. She got emotional saying she would find out after looking into things, and then she said that makes her want to tear up and cry just thinking about it. And then I got emotional and couldn't talk for a moment. The whole therapy was wonderful. She tried so hard to give me the best care ever. I'm trying my best to heal and recover, and to never let her down.

I never knew therapy could be so beautiful and full of human compassion, care and love. I just care about her so much, words can never say.

[stahrgeyzer]

Feel like a lot of parts have integrated lately. That might explain why the body has felt foreign lately. For me it seems like when life gets extra painful that a lot of parts separate, and when life settles down the parts come together again.

That gives me hope. Total fusion integration is a real thing. There are a lot of people who once had DID that I've followed on youtube who no longer have it. I feel like that amazing event will happen for me one day, hopefully soon.

[Breaking Dawn]

But I think mine are alters.

[stahrgeyzer]

Alters and parts are the same thing. I think academics refer to them as parts. My DID neuropsychologist always called them parts regardless if I called them alters. My trauma therapist will call them alters or parts depending on what I prefer.

Integration & fusion are part of DID. To be honest nobody can guarantee when it will happen. Some people invite it. Some don’t.

[Breaking Dawn]

I don't think my voices came from me, though. I think they are separate minds, either created by the brain, or they sprouted up by themselves, like some neurons due.

[stahrgeyzer]

Maybe you could ask each of the voices how old they are or what their first memories are. Maybe they know some of the inner world history, if they ever seen two alters become one or if there was a split. I’ve had splits when I recalled early trauma. I think it was too much for the mind so some of the trauma split and became another alter.

[Breaking Dawn]

I've asked them so many things & they claim that they don't know anything about their past, where they came from, where exactly they are located, etc.

[stahrgeyzer]

It's not that uncommon for an alter to not remember much. Every system is different and valid.