[stahrgeyzer]

I feel like I’ve traded suicidal planning & ideation for binge eating / starvation-exercising.

[stahrgeyzer]

Not feeling so well but I haven't heard a single voice in days, and I've been off meds for long time now!

I feel so solid, like I'm a big rock, a very unusual feeling for me. It gives me the feeling that my present self is a lot of parts that have been mended together to form one person.

Not sure if it's true for everyone, but all the people on youtube that I've followed who had DID achieved full fusion (no more DID) after they started seeking it and working hard on their mental health. That's what I've been doing. Bless those wonderful youtubers!

[stahrgeyzer]

I'm kind of freaking out because once again I feel like a *completely* different person. Even the way I talk is different and I sound different. It even sounds like I'm a foreigner lol. How am I going to skype with my parents and others like this?

Besides that I guess things are ok. Except I woke up at 1:04pm. Crazy.

[Breaking Dawn]

Hi, stahrgeyzer, could you maybe impersonate (pretend to be) the self they know when you skype your parents & the others?

[stahrgeyzer]

Hopefully it'll fade or snap out of it by then. Today was an extra therapy day so I tried hard to be myself but it sounded a bit strange.

On a positive note my T knew about the IFS model. She's not a certified IFS therapist but seems interested. She's reading a book that's a slightly modified version of IFS mixed with something else. That makes me happy she's open to it.

Therapy was awesome today. She took me into a meditative state with my eye closed, had me visualize a meeting room with a desk and chairs and asked parts to come in and have a seat. She asked for my Self (see IFS terminology) to be seated across from me. A lot of parts participated, but most did not.


Therapy felt so healing today. IFS seems so promising.

IFS with DID?

[Breaking Dawn]

Good, stahrgeyzer. I'm glad. I hope I can find a T like yours who understands.

[stahrgeyzer]

I wish more people would post in the DID check-in thread. Most of the time it's so lonely here.

I'm feeling so dissociated that I can't even watch a short youtube video.

[Breaking Dawn]

I feel the same way!

[Taylor27]

It's been a very long time since I have checked in here. This year has been very hard I lost many good friends by passing away. They where all close to me and finding out has been difficult. My therapist got covid19 in April so she was unable to see me for 3 months. last month I got very ill from a bad sun burn and the vaccine. Slowly im getting better and feel really depressed. I find it's very hard to be motivated.

[Breaking Dawn]

I'm so sorry, @Cheryl27, for all that you've been going through & for losing people who meant a lot to you. Sending wishes filled with healing energy for your sad heart.

[Breaking Dawn]

Very strange dissociating episodes recently.
I don't know if it's another me that's doing things or myself just not recording an activity/experience. If it is someone else, he/she never talks to me or leaves a note. None of the voices remember these things being done or who did them. But yesterday morning an unknown voice was singing "I made a sandwich for you" over & over. Later when I went to the kitchen I found a half eaten sandwich, which I had no memory of. I ended up finishing the sandwich, & I'm still feeling bewildered about it.

[Taylor27]

Feeling like im watching myself in a movie lately. I feel like im not present anymore. I have mixed emotions right now.

[Breaking Dawn]

Originally Posted by Cheryl27

Feeling like im watching myself in a movie lately. I feel like im not present anymore. I have mixed emotions right now.

Oh my goodness, @Cheryl27, I know this feeling so well, since I was a child. And I know we are not alone. Thank you so much for being here with us! P.S. Hi to Princess!

[Taylor27]

Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn

Oh my goodness, @Cheryl27, I know this feeling so well, since I was a child. And I know we are not alone. Thank you so much for being here with us! P.S. Hi to Princess!

Thank you for letting me know im not alone and im so glad we have this forum here.

[Breaking Dawn]

Me, too!

[stahrgeyzer]

I'm tired of this endless manic depressive cycles every week. Last night was bad so somehow Little Paul came out. I wish he would stay out all the time.

[Alatea]

Hi everyone! I feel stupid to rant, as I am not in such a terrible state that I was in last year...but...

I am afraid that my professional part took over, and keeps distracting all other needs or wishes by maintaining a tight work schedule.

I saw my mother in the street and hid from her. For two months after that, I was shaking internally day and night, to the point of not being able to stand it any longer. I took something to calm me down, but it didn’t work, until I tried to talk internally. I also used a really powerful image of a ray of light, and I turned it in my imagination into a glass-like waterfall, that washed right through me, and the shakings were gone.

There were other things too, the abuser who calls himself my father sent me a FB request, again.

The next door neighbour, after I asked her to mind the house regulations, insulted my way of life in every possible sense, calling me mentally ill, childless, friendless, family-less, jobless, reclusive, isolated and selfish. She also called me autistic, as that is apparently an insult in her mind. I never had an opportunity to hear such things about me from someone who apparently hates me, it seemed so irrational to be insulted on the basis of being discrete. I first thought nothing of it, but I think it influenced me on some level that I am not able to translate to feelings yet.

After that, I heard that my mother went to see my husband’s parents, whom he doesn’t talk to either, as they were as abusive as mine. I know it should not bother me, but I keep seeing such acts of agression as a continuation of the abuse I already suffered.
Grr.

Thank you for letting me rant...

[Breaking Dawn]

Thank you, @Alatea, for joining us!

[stahrgeyzer]

Little Paul’s kinda close to the front, and Clara’s been watching me lately. She’s like a nurse in that she’s very caring. No idea where cayla and the rest are.

I want to make an appointment with primary care dr for blood test just to see if all my symptoms are from cancer but I won’t because then they’ll want to treat me with chemotherapy.

I want to ask T on Monday if it’s ok & normal to not want to live. I haven’t wanted to in the last decade. Can’t even imagine what it must feel like to want to live. Must feel amazing.

[zoiecat]

Originally Posted by Cheryl27

Feeling like im watching myself in a movie lately. I feel like im not present anymore. I have mixed emotions right now.

I feel like I am watching myself a lot. I also feel like my house is foreign too.

[Breaking Dawn]

It's been awfully hard lately. I try to talk positive to myself. I keep trying to talk to them, but that seems to be a waste of time. One of them, the worst one, keeps getting worse, very cruel. I cry a lot & pray. I'm always wishing he would disappear. I could put up with the others & get my life back. That would be so wonderful.

[stahrgeyzer]

I'm trying hard to stabilize to end horrible manic/depressive cycles. I finally ended my therapy. Monday was sad because that's when therapy is but I didn't have therapy. T seemed very hesitant to end therapy. Something just doesn't feel right. I think the problem is that I think about my problems too much and just need a break from therapy. That was the plan, at least. I just got an email from a therapist asking for my phone # to talk about therapy. I'm nervous because I'd like to know who contacted this therapist. Maybe Clara.

I just can't seem to do important things without one of the others stepping in and stopping me! One thing I learned years ago is that I can't even end my own life because one of them steps in and stops it. It makes me feel like this isn't even my life. I get it. They're just caring for me. That's what they say.

[SprinkL3]

Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn

Very strange dissociating episodes recently.
I don't know if it's another me that's doing things or myself just not recording an activity/experience. If it is someone else, he/she never talks to me or leaves a note. None of the voices remember these things being done or who did them. But yesterday morning an unknown voice was singing "I made a sandwich for you" over & over. Later when I went to the kitchen I found a half eaten sandwich, which I had no memory of. I ended up finishing the sandwich, & I'm still feeling bewildered about it.

I have littles inside who love to eat that which I shouldn't be eating - like too many sweets. When I wasn't as co-conscious, I used to dissociate and get scared about what I did or didn't eat. The littles think it helps everyone cheer up when they're feeling scared or down. I think what you're feeling is common when you aren't yet fully co-conscious with the others inside. It'll eventually get easier. We try to negotiate and keep each other in the loop now. Sometimes there's a lot going on, so the inside people try to help us out.

[SprinkL3]

Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn

It's been awfully hard lately. I try to talk positive to myself. I keep trying to talk to them, but that seems to be a waste of time. One of them, the worst one, keeps getting worse, very cruel. I cry a lot & pray. I'm always wishing he would disappear. I could put up with the others & get my life back. That would be so wonderful.

My T helped me with the "angry alters" inside. She accepted them and wanted to hear from them. Eventually, they came out and said some things. She calmly listened but sternly set some boundaries so that they could have a conversation (instead of them just yelling and wanting their way). It was really challenging for me to be co-conscious with all that. Sometimes I lost time, but I eventually got used to it. It helps, too, when seeing your T twice a week, so perhaps that made a huge difference. After a few months of this, or maybe a year, the angry alters finally felt understood and were able to find a new way to protect us. Their goal is really protection, or perhaps feeling a sense of betrayal trauma. They need healing. My T would suggest that they were feeling scared, but for the longest time, the angry alters claimed they weren't "weak" and therefore weren't scared. But over time, the angry alters were able to find peace in feeling scared. They still want to prove they are tough though, but they are learning different ways. It gets scary seeing all this unfold, but it's all a part of healing. Like my T said, anger is not bad; it's a feeling. My T also said that anger is not the same as violence; violence is an action, whereas anger is a feeling. She explained how we can choose how to respond to anger when we feel it. It's a process, and it takes time to cope with those strong emotions. But the emotions are okay. Hang in there.

[Taylor27]

I am not feeling well right now emotionally. I went to my session on Thursday and 5 mins into it til supper, everything was a blur. I phoned my t yesterday and left a message explaining to her that I am in a middle of a dissociation episode and feel overwhelmed.

This is the first time I have asked for help when i am this way.