She

I experience dissociation & splitting (not as severe as in DID, there are no alters).

I have an aspect of myself that I've understood or perceived as a woman (I'll refer to her as Her/She). It's apparent that She's well-meaning, and She brings strong feelings of wholeness and centeredness. T and I both think She's sort of the last piece that needs "integrating" (though integration for me isn't quite the same as in DID). I like who I am when She is "near." T can tell when She is near as well. T knows the difference in me.

Intellectually, it isn't like I ever forget or literally don't remember or believe She exists. But I rationalize stuff and say I'm making up crazy stuff, or that I'm copying ppl with DID or something. And emotionally, most of the time it's like I'm not even "aware" that this woman exists. I live in the part of me that's about nothing but survival & "success." Numb, numb, numb. All I know how to do is get by, and think of myself. She, on the other hand, is centered. She has a very loving warm energy and She's who I think I really am, at heart, with all of me together. But it's scary to me because I rationalize and doubt and think I'm "flaky" and won't be able to handle my life and be professional and strong, etc, if I let myself be anything but numb. T says the opposite is true, that I'll be stronger. Part of me knows T is right. T always is!

T keeps telling me, She is YOU. She's you. Partly, I'm like, "well duh, I made her up." Partly, I know T's right. But then partly I think, She couldn't possibly be me! She's totally and completely different from me, and she's nothing but dream or spiritual figment of my imagination or something.

I don't know why I'm posting or what I need. Maybe some understanding?

Hmmm... I don't know.

How would you live differently if She were in the driver's seat? Since Shie is you, maybe you could move a little closer bit by bit to living the way that She would live.

I've thought about that. But the thing is, the most important part of Her is an emotional reality... not "doing" anything really, but "being." I thought about asking T to describe what I'll be like, but I think T is smart enough to know I'm trying to cheat! lol!

T does say that She will change the way I relate to people. I'll be more loving and warm, and more able to accept love. And I know that I'll be centered. T says that as well. Stronger, better at coping, more balanced, wiser, etc.

I think all this is a little one-sided. I tend to present things in such a way.


************VERY BIG TRIGGER warning!!!!***********************
Pls be safe! TRIGGER......



In the woman's bundle is a dead baby. I experienced abuse as a baby, and I realized in my last session that the dead baby probably resulted from a part of me that Did Not Survive the abuse at that young an age. I think I have an easier time, in a weird way, of understanding the Death of that baby, and approaching that... than understanding the healing and safety that She brings.

T has thrown out a lot of thoughts about the baby/Her. Basically the idea is, though, that She represents a part of me that was sequestered away and kept safe from what would have killed me psychologically. (And frankly, could have killed me physically). T says it's time to take that back, so I can be healed and whole again. But I respond primarily to the dead baby. The woman represents that part of me that isn't lost, that didn't die, that Lives and Loves, and is fully and entirely alive and well. She holds the baby that died, loving, offering it to me.

I am having trouble with this.

((((((((((((Sweetcrusader))))))) I feel the same way allot. I think my T thinks its more the essence of me, and that how I functions in every day life is merely survival and fears, and numbness. If I move towards healing, I can tell my survival parts and fears that I am now able to function in reality. I dunno sometimes. I think that some days, I try to tell other parts that I can be present to deal with life. It doesnt work, but ther is allot of truth to it for me.

could you possibly hold the baby , cuddle her, let her feel your strength, feel your acceptaince, and your love
you are stronger than you beleive
Love
Reah

tks Reah

the baby is already dead nothing i can do about that

perhaps the physical baby is dead but can you cheish the memory?
let youeself know you are Loved and pull that strength forward
Reah

I don't have any memories Sorry, not trying to be difficult Reah. The event(s) that I think metaphorically "killed" the baby happened when I was 18 months.

sorry i am very literal and confused and triggery and stuff today.

I have a She like that so I pattern myself after her and "consult" her, etcetera. That's how I incorporate her until I can wholly know her to be an aspect of me. She's the "Green Lady" (when I first saw/created her she was wearing a long dress, green "velvet" cape, etc.).

There's no rush to incorporate her as long as she's around, just get to know her gradually/over time?

Dearheart your doing just fine, it's okay to feel as you do, your human and very caring towards others
Reah

ty Perna & girls. I will have to come back to this thread. Need to be careful and gentle in approaching this stuff. A little at a time.

Sorry i seem to have missed the boat replying back - opps! My head needs to get its act together more often!

Just wanted to say that i have 2 'she's' too, they have names and different clothes etc. I talk to them when i need to and let them be 'me' if there are situations i don't want to be in. One i made up, the other was always there but i'm only just finding out more about her. It upset me at first having both of them but now it's all good, i know they are 'me' , it is just a sign (for me) to tell me to spend more time helping myself and less time trying to be everything for everyone else.

Stay safe! (((hugs))))

Getting ready for therapy tommorrow... and I'm nervous. For a long time T has been losing her patience because it's taking me so long to accept and "integrate" Her. She says I haven't been doing therapy work. Now, I'm trying to get myself into the "zone" to do some work...

Last time, T just kept insisting that She is me. There was a period of time with a previous part of me, a little girl that's now integrated, that I didn't really believe she was "real" and definitely didn't believe she was me. That gap seems even larger now. Half the time I'm trying to decide if I made Her up. How can I believe she's real, and that she's me?

I try to imagine us coming together, and I keep picturing us being zipped together by this giant zipper! LOL! Can't get that image out of my head

Abby, ty for your reply. Sounds like you have alters, then? My "She" is not really an alter, but a fragment. Does that make sense?

(((((SweetCrusader)))))

have you tried asking your T to give you a clear distinction between "fragments" and "alters" ? we thought we were "just making it up" for years

the T sounds kinda impatient to us, retrieving those memories can take a loong time to do safely but if you've been seeing her for a while maybe she's right

Best of luck (((((SC)))))

ty Zorah. It's so confusing when you suspect yourself of making stuff up.

T hasn't really used the word "fragment" She has just clearly stated that I don't have DID. She specializes in DID, so she would know. She says I experience dissociation. I've heard the word fragment elsewhere. I never lose executive control, never have memory disturbances, etc. There isn't a complete separate person in me... just some "qualities" and knowledge that I keep out of my conciousness... that is represented as a person in my mind, I guess. I don't know how to better describe that. My subjective feeling of it is consistent with what T says... I just get lost and confused sometimes because I really have a lot of defenses. I don't know if I'm making sense.

Actually, T is very, very patient. But we've been working on the same issue for about a year and a half now... that's when I first "saw" this woman in my mind. And for a long time, I've been just stagnating and not doing any therapy. I go and talk about nothing I didn't mean to make it sound like T is inpatient.

But I'm still having trouble wrapping my mind around that I didn't really make Her up. T helps me believe I didn't... but then I get away from T and I still question myself

PS: No memories to retrieve. Just dealing with very early pre-verbal trauma.

((((((((((SC)))))))))))

memory retrieval & integration of "fragments" can take 20 years easy in therapy.

it seems to us that if you still feel like you might be making it up, that you might not be ready !!!!

when the little girl fragment integrated, didn't that make you believe it ?

It made me believe it about the little girl! lol! T has often commented on my ability to pretend to myself that none of the last several years of therapy has happened...

Actually, I've never had to do any memory retrieval. I think my memories remained basically intact.

we really envy that intact memory

and you know who the core person is

sounds more like you are shielding the most "connected" part of you, the part that connects most to people and the animals & the land, it has to have been a self-protective move
we wish you the greatest joy in getting this part back, it should be pure joy if she is not coming with a burden of memories.

Yes, you're right. She is the part of me that knows how to really connect. In contrast, makes me feel like a fumbling @$$hole!

But then, I start thinking that's just an excuse. Like claiming I'm not able to be "whole" and connected because "She" isn't here... when really it's that there's just something wrong with me and I'm making stuff up.

((((((SC)))))) don't worry, you are NOT making it up,

ppl don't make up this kind of thing, they make up some strange stuff, but usually not like this

hey this should be FUN
we think you'll like this when you can let it happen,

try not to be so critical of yourself, treat yourself with gentle kindness, you do good socially responsible work, you are doing really well

I commend you for your bravery!