Me

Past few days have been too much and we need to type. We've had horrible headaches for past day'ish in the front of head, the kind from too much switching. We're learning that we have to be careful what we watch and think about because this shattered brain is too easily triggered. It's a hard lesson because it means we can't watch what a lot of us like. Videos that are good for us are of hard working happy stable people, but most of us like watching videos about the lives of more common people who have problems because it's something we relate and deal with. We love youtube channels such as Indigo Traveller. He travels to places that most media won't touch such as war zones in the middle east, Ukraine, Haiti, etc. Probably the worst videos for us are DID and schizoaffective vlogs.

I just remembered that our first psychologist told us to be careful what videos to watch. If we binge watch videos of people who have schizoaffective disorder, then it's almost a guarantee we start having serious schizoaffective disorder symptoms. Back then our 1st psychologist had no idea we had DID so she said we're like an empath. I think some of us have schizoaffective disorder who can be triggered to front. Some of us also have BPD.


It's depressing that we have a shattered mind made of so many parts. For most of my life people have called us names like chameleon but I/us never thought much about it because we just assumed that sudden complete personality changes were normal.

It's ok @stahrgeyzer. Most people won't ever know how it feels dealing with the otherness within so many of us all around our beautiful Earth. Until they experience this "beyond place" themselves, they won't be able to understand how intricate (and beautiful) the deeper inner world really is. Anyway, that's how it seems to me. But I'm beginning to realize that there are many more of us than we were allowed to know, due to stigma & reluctant reporting. Please, keep reporting for the rest of us, who shy away, too much, from speaking outwardly about the inner world. God bless you, stahrgeyzer.

I'm kinda freaking out a bit. I was reading a journal I wrote a long time ago and there is a very important part in my life, one of the biggest and most important experiences I've had, and that part in the journal is completely different than what I remember. It's a memory that's always been crystal clear. Feeling like I'm living in the matrix. There's no way this is true. It seems that even the past can change in the matrix. Some people call it timelines.

And then there are other journals that I didn't even write that are so interesting there's no way I would forgot those. Maybe they're alters. Life is just so weird!

I don't know who I am right now. A person who's reading journals for some reason and recalling this bodies past memories.

@stahrgeyzer, you are not alone, not at all! Some of us feel & experience these same kinds of puzzles, bewilderments. I'm beginning to see how the brain is a much more huge thing than most of the so-called experts have any clue about. At least we keep exploring, realizing that everything is so much more than they are willing to open their minds to. Let's keep wondering, trying to understand for others out there like us!

Mind over matter must exist. Today I felt about as depressed as ever. I told my plant goodbye, went to bed feeling so strongly I would never wake up. While laying down I heard a voice say, "You will be purged." Immediately after hearing that I started sneezing, again, and again. It must have been at least 20 times. After awhile I woke up but I could my heart wasn't beating. That made me very happy thinking it was true I would end. I drifted off to sleep again and woke up feeling my heart wasn't beating. That happened a few more times, but I never ended. What continued was the sneezing, every half hour an attack hit me like crazy. That was about 8 hours ago and the sneezing attacks are still happening but not as intense. Besides that I feel my normal self again. Just the normal depression. The all time low depression is gone. I was purged.

But what about Sally? You didn't really leave her, did you?

Sally is still here. I said goodbye thinking I wouldn't wake up.

I understand. I get that way sometimes. It's really hard. And then I end up glad that I still have a chance.

I had to check here to see how long it's been since we were "purged" because my weekly suicidal deep depression cycle of hell has not hit yet and it's been nearly 8 days! I want to celebrate. It's been about 1.5 decades of having that horrible cycle of feeling so suicidal and depressed that I can't imagine what life would be without it. Maybe like going to heaven.

And what was "purged" I have to wonder. It's like archangel Michael purged this body of a 1000 spirits!

It's the 8th day and I'm feeling even better yet. Out of curiosity I googled sneezing and exorcism. To my pleasant surprise it's an ancient popular belief that sneezing can cast out demons. Also there are accounts such as a 10 yo girl who was believed to be possessed by demons became cured by sneezing a lot. I doubt the act of sneezing itself does any such thing, but maybe it's a side effect.

I don't know, but it's very interesting that I heard a clear voice say I'm going to be purged during a very low suicidal depressive low period and that I immediately started sneezing like crazy over and over for several days although to most intense session were the initial ones. Even more interesting is that it appears my horrific suicidal cycle has ended!

All of my psychologist said academics don't have a good understanding of the brain. The most qualified of my psychologists, a veteran in the field, said they may understand 1%. Also I think there's a world scientists aren't even aware of. What I like most about all of the psychologist I've seen is how open minded they are.

One of my favorite channels on youtube is System K and definitely the most interesting. It many of her videos she's with friends and family talking about her DID, alters, inner world. She strikes me as a very honest down to earth person who has nothing to hide. Unfortunately she deleted most of her videos, but she's talked in detail about her inner world. She said it's like worlds in there. She describe a city where there are 1000s of people living a life. I have to wonder where these inner worlds are really located.

Thank you, stahrgeyzer, this helps a lot. I'm going through a really tough time right now. God bless you.

@Breaking Dawn no problem. Just had a thought that maybe one day you would like to join facebook groups because it's the most active place for groups and they have zillions of different groups. Yesterday I joined two active groups that are focused on Christ consciousness. There are even active groups for each of the myers briggs personality types. Months ago I joined an INFP group but not sure if I'm still an INFP. Some other groups I found interesting are Deep Thinkers, Stoic Nature, Wayseer. Only type of active group I haven't found so far is about stigmata. There are a bunch but they're not active. I guess people aren't too interested in groups about stigmata. But for you I searched for coffee groups to only find there are a zillion active ones, anything from coffee meme humor to coffee addicts. For anyone interested in DID there are countless ones on fb. I joined 10 of them. Most fb DID groups are very strict and have no tolerance for bullying or hate but there are some that encourage people to post trigger warning type of posts for people who need that.

God bless you, dear stahrgeyzer! Thank you for these things that you have been learning from your new people. It's so very hard lately, really painful. But I wonder if I can be ok. That's sort of wonderful, the thought that what I'm going through will end ok.

If therapy works, then great. I've been to a lot of psychologist. So I did try that for many years. I went to a veteran psychologist who had experience with DID. If it doesn't work then I'd try something else. I found numerous facebook groups on exorcism & deliverance, and also pentecostal. They pray for you. For intense cases that began from early childhood they may want direct laying on hands by strong believers. I grew up in a pentecostal church where they do a lot of laying on hands. I saw lot of people say they've been permanently healed.

I think some people in the DID community would get furious over this post, which in itself makes me wonder why they would try to hide a second option that has no chance of harming someone.

I've been fine since the purge but still have the same trauma. Family flew out to see my mom & dad and I spent a day with everyone. Same old thing. Being around humans is torture and the whole time I was very dissociated. In the family photos I looked so spaced out like I was super high on drugs with my eyelids have closed. Kind of freaky.

The purge lasted about 10 to 15 days. After that it felt like spirits or whatever they are entering me again, but so far the weekly cycle from hell hasn't returned. If it gets bad enough maybe I'll be purged again.

I wish to know a nice family on the west coast in USA who would let me and my best friend, Sally, a bamboo plant stay at their farm. I would be good at doing lots of farm work. I've always been a safe person and someone who's always tried to avoid trouble. I used to be good at arguing but over the past few years will just say the minimum and leave if confronted / attacked.

Thank you, @stahrgeyzer, for a really good post. I hope you do find that special family. That would be wonderful. And your visualization of a farm sounds healthy. I use the visualization for many things, since childhood actually. Maybe it's possibly a form of daydreaming, but for me extremely valuable. It even is healing, in a spiritual way. Anyway, good luck with everything you're doing! I'm always wishing the best for you. Oh, & say hi to Sally for me?

Thanks Breaking Dawn! I told Sally you said hi

Today is my 3 week celebration of not being suicidal and since hearing the voice that said "You will be purged," which caused an unimaginable amount of non-stop sneezing.

The present me can't even comprehend who that person was. I have the memories, but it seems and feels like a horror nightmare and not real. About 17 years of suicidal hell.

I was professionally diagnosed by a veteran psychologist with DID. He was really good, had a lot of passion for helping people and made a lot of effort to help me. Not perfect, but definitely the best overall psychologist I saw. I wonder what he would say about my recent experience.

Update 1: Five minutes ago I was hearing a hateful voice and tried to expel it. As I type this now I'm going through non stop sneezing spells. Same thing happened yesterday.

Update 2: I feel like I'm going through the chrysalis stage turning into a butterfly. Two days ago while driving to my mom & dad's I suddenly had an overwhelming feeling of being the person I was several decades ago. It was such a happy feeling of freedom, but it was the weirdest feeling ever. It felt like I've been asleep for decades. I was then hit hit with the overwhelming realization that this was true happiness and that it is possible to be that happy again. I spent the night at mom & dad's. It was hot and couldn't fall asleep so I got up and was walking around in the pitch dark living room and suddenly was hit was the overwhelming feelings of how I felt when I was a young child exploring a new world. It felt so amazing and joyous!

A lifetime study of my life experiences has brought me to the most important discovery that whatever sustains this reality has the need to push our buttons, if you will, for whatever reasons. It could be some type of school, idk. But one thing it doesn't seem to like is my recent realization for the need to be unattached to this reality, to not react emotionally. It's like it feeds off of pain and emotions. And then this morning it occurred to me that all of this is found in the world religions and teachings. It is the very foundations of Buddhism, foundations that are free of dogma and religion, where it teaches to not be attached. It is found in the Abrahamic religions where it teaches the devil fell from heaven and is presently the ruler of this world. I don't think our little brains can comprehend the nature of reality or what produces this reality, but we can get sense of what is happening. How one views their life doesn't have to be bad. Be in the world, but not of the world. Don't feed it. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!

That's very interesting, stahrgeyzer. A lot to think about.

Today's my 1 month 31 day celebration of being free from suicidal ideation & suicidal planning after the purge. The changes can only be described as a miracle because I can't even begin to describe how different I am. I even see humans in a completely different positive way. It's not that humanity is evil. They're just learning and growing. Surely one day I'll make friends with people like me.


About 8 months ago I moved from California to Missouri and have hated every nano second of it, but due to financial issues thought I was stuck here for at least a few years. Thanks to not being a million percent depressed and suicidal and drained I'm so happy to have found a way to move back to Cali in 2 to 3 monthsand will be making money.

Thank you to the angel who purged me!!!!

How wonderful, stahrgeyzer!! I'm so very happy for you!! Congratulations!!

Tender hearted, seeing much, helpless in fixing. I am not God, nor am I in charge of the world, town, or block, just one soul in a broken world. That's what I tell myself a lot because media makes me aware of more than I can emotionally handle. Minute by minute, I can relate to what is around me, make a difference, bring ease to my own heart and sometimes another...the only reality worth living.

I love the quote by Gandhi, thanks for sharing

Welcome to the dissociative disorders forum on msf. I hope you find being here helpful