[Fragmented]

Hi I am new to this site. A good friend I met from another site recommended this site, she calls it her home. I like that. I introduced myself on the newbie board but thought maybe I should intro myself on this one as well. I am 49 and only have known that I am DID for about 8 months I guess. I have been in therapy since 06 but it took a while to come out. I initially went in thinking I was upset when my daughter went to school. It unravelled me. I also thought that I should feel more. I was so numb. I thought if things continued I would lose all feelings. I did not know that was dissociation. Now I did know that I had lost time all my life. I had been dx with migraines and partial seizures only no one ever recognized I had the seizures. Which I never thought was weird since my daughter has them and I always knew so did everyone around her. I was never medicated for them only the migraines. And when I say I lost time, I lost LOTS of time. Days, weeks even. People would come up to me, and speak to me, and I would not know them. Men would come up to me, and I would realize that we would have ummm you know, but I could not remember anything. In school, I would have taken tests and not remember it. Luckily I got good grades on the tests. No one ever noticed the behavior being different or it was put down as very entertaining. Not shy like I really was. I did not say much as in my house saying what was on your mind could get you really hurt. The home life was scary. Mom had affairs right and left. If dad knew he kept that to himself. He kept him to himself. He told me he never wanted me or any children. Gread dad huh. They were a violent couple too. Always fighting. My 20's was a blur. I did get married. Had two great children. Good Husband lousy inlaws. My t says my inlaws traumized me but that is another story.

Now for the today. Eventually my first t, dx DID. She was a pastoral counselor I eventually left as she did not know how to handle me and I got too raw with her and she just left me leave in too many bad states and I decided enough. I was lucky to find my current p-doc that although does not take new patients decided to take me on. He is good and has lots of DID experience. I am still trying to trust him. We have only been together for about almost 2 months. I am getting messy though now. (Oh I have met two of my alters, I am not really liking that word, one is a guy, he talked to me the other night, and a girl, Gloria she has talked to me too. Several are small children they just cry. One is the bad girl, she comes out alot I must fight her all the time now. we struggle alot because she wants to do bad things right now.)

The flashbacks are bad. Last night was one of the worst. I am so shaky that my heart won't calm down. Everytime I shut my eyes I see it again. I have written it in my journal and it still wont release me. I thought maybe if I wrote it again here, it might leave me alone until I go to therapy Tuesday. p-doc is out of town. Although he said call if I need him. I hate to do that he is in Florida. I f it gets bad overnight into tomorrow I will. I took 2 xanax thinking it would not happen last night and it did. I guess I can more now. Maybe that will help. Sorry I am dumping this here. I tried to make sure I put triggery in the headings. (I told my T (P-doc) I don't know who the real me is. could I have been killed off a long time ago. does anyone else ever feel like they don't which one is the real one. I told him I feel like I am only fragments. ONly parts. He of course dissagreed. what else can he say? I am confused)

I could go into more details but is so so bad I just dont know. I am getting worse actually by writing so I am going to end now. Thanks fo r listening.
now you know why I am
fragmented

[Kiya]

Frag (may I call you that?)
I'm sorry things are so hard right now and that you've not been getting a lot of posts. Hang in there.... it takes time (all of it takes time).
I share a lot of what you wrote; fighting the "bad girl", the flashbacks (mine used to be really bad, but thankfully things have settled for a long while giving me time to catch up)... I also do not know who the "Real me" is - we have taken the name Kiya for all. There is a part Kiya, who is not often around alone. But this works, since all hate the body name.
I hope you are doing better a little today. =(
oh my dad told me the same thing - he didn't want any children, ever. yeah, great dad - but worse that my mom didn't believe him and pushed him into it.
Feel free to PM me any time... hope you get more comfortable with the boards soon
Kiya

[Fragmented]

Yes you can call me that, call me anything actually, I will answer. it is hard isn't it fighting the voices of the bad girl. I finally took a xanax and it took some of the edge off. But I know that tonight when I lay down more flashbacks. I might call my T and leave him another message maybe that will help some too. You know the worse part of the flashbacks for me is the physical part. Feeling the SA all over again as if the first time wasn't enough. And the images well I guess the whole thing isn't great. I know I am young because I am powerless and I know I can't move I will get more hurt. Hit I think. I don't say anything, I am being held down too. Or man this is hard stuff. I guess maybe mine might actually like another name too. Interesting to think about. I used fragmented because that is how i feel. Just fragmented parts. Not whole never that. Maybe one day to feel more blended.

thanks for the encouragement. I will hang in there. It is what i do.

fragmented

[Kiya]

one thing i used to use for flashbacks and panic attacks was lavender oil - the strong scent cuts through and brings me closer back to reality, and then it is also a soothing scent too.
Do you have anything like that you can use? I learned to have sort of a mini "Emergency Kit" for those - had the lavender oil, a stone i liked, an owl because i love owls, a very small toy for the kids, and usually chocolate.
thinking of you.
Kiya

[Fragmented]

Kiya, I don't. I will try to find some lavender oil. I am very scent sensitive though. Certain fragances and scents will trigger flashbacks as well and I still don't know why. I will have to think about what to put into my kit. Music can help me. Maybe an ipod with certain music.

Thanks for the suggestions.

fragmented

[BalishBun]

flashbacks get the best of me too.