Another Update

Things have been rough, of course I do have some good dadys as well, well as best as they will get. Then I have been having these pains in my pelvic area. I had to go to urgent care for it a few weeks ago and followed up with my doctor who then sent me to a surgeon. It is possible I have even more damage from the assault last year than we thought. I may have a hernia from the surgery or some type of infection. I also had to have a catscan done last thursday for this and they found something on it and soi now I have to go today for an ultrasound. It is a very scary thing to have to sit with over the weekend. I tried not to think about it but it came up anyway. I have been so worried and so scared, I am afraid this guy is going to end up killing me anyway, he almost did last year, but he may win. That's how I am taking it. I just really am hurting.

Jennifer

Oh sweetie... I am so sorry that you are in this much pain... I am sitting with you....

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jennifer))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry you are going through so much. I hope your tests come out good. Know I am here.

BB

(((((((((jennifer)))))))))

Hi Jennifer,
Thanks for keeping us updated. I'm glad you are having some good days. Please keep yourself safe. You are cared about. I hope that you feel better and that whatever is going on physically can be repaired soon.

Please take care.

Well my ultrasound waws very bad. It was not just the normal ultrasound and so it was very triggering for me. when the lady left the room I just started crying, I was so shaken up. But I did have a doctors appointment right after and well it didn't really help either cause I had to wait an hour to see her and an hour with that much anxiety is almost bound to trigger dissociation with me. I don't know that anything extreme happened when I was gone but I know I was missing some time. I also told my doctor I was having a hard time and she clearly saw that. She then wrote an order for me to have 2 klonopin to calm down, which ended up knocking me out for the night. Then for some odd reason I found myself at some guy's house who I know is not good for me to be around but I am just so lost and confused. Cause now that is all started again, for the 7th time. I just dont' know what I am doing. I am so lost. I really need someone to help me and step in on this because I can't handle it, I can't control whether I go over there or not, I don't know what to do.
Thank you all for supporting me.

Jennifer

(((hugs))))... am right here with you always....

the test must have been very triggering.. I know I always disassociate.. too... it is tough...

are you up to painting.. I know you are not feeling well...

and try leaving yourself notes to not go over there?? that might help...

you are in my thoughts..

please keep posting.. so we can know how you are.. we worrry...

((((((((((((((Jennifer1084)))))))))) I'm so sorry you are still struggling. Do you have anyone who can help you during those times so you can keep yourself safe?

Please take care.

ohh, it sounds so upsetting try and be real gentle with yourself. take extra special care, do soothing things and stay safe. sending you some gentle thoughts ~ ~ ~ ~

I am starting to do a little better, though I am supposed to have surgery on Wednesday because of the surgery I had done last year from the assault. But then again I am sick so I may not be able to because now I have been physically ill, I have really only been able to sleep, I don't know maybe all this chaos will end soon. I hope so. I do believe I am doing better emotionally though. I was very much triggered the other day though I made it through. Thank you all for your support and words of encouragement.

still here with you sweetie.... and will be thinking of you....

(((Jennifer)))

Glad you are feeling emotionally better, and hoping the physical issues can be dealth with as soon and smoothly as possible. Sending you positive energy. :-)

Yeah went to the doctor today for the physical stuff and well actually had a major emotional setback. I saw the "old friend" who was there when I was assaulted. I was so terrified, I went into a frenzy and I had to ask to sit in a different waiting area and I burst out in tears when the nurse asked me what was going on. I cried until after the doctor came in. I was just so upset and I was so scared. She gave me some of the dirtiest looks and they hit me hard. So I have been trying to deal with that since 4:30 pm and then also I was told by my community support worker that she is leaving to a new job, so it's adding another person to my support team and starting over again with trusting someone new.
Then since I am living in assisted living again, I have to get my meds given to me. Well the nurse was rude to me because she tried to give me 2 antibiotics instead of just the one and she told me I better take it or she will write down that I refused it. So of course I took it. This nurse really scares me, she is so rude to all of the residents. Then later this morning I decided I was going to go to the doctor because of the physical stuff so I made an appointment and I was too afraid to tell her cause I had a feeling she would be rude to me again, so I asked another staff to tell her. Well then she calls me up and chews me out for making the appointment in the first place, she said I have no business making my own apointments and I need to just let them do their job. Well that didn't help me feel any better, I wanted to move out, though I had forgot that I had committed to staying there for a year. I don't know, life for me is hectic right now and I can't keep life straight. I am shot. But my T thinks it is good for me to make my own appointments because it encourages me to be more independent. Well anyway, I am sorry for venting, but I just wanted to I guess. Thank you for caring.

Jennifer

that was some day you have had... am so sorry.... ((((hugs))))

it must have been very hard for you to see that person you knew in the waiting room and it is good that you went to another room... really good...

I admire your courage..... and am thinking of you... and will be watching for your posts...

Thank you freewill I have been doing my very best to survive at this point. I just have a feeling where I'm living isn't helping, but it's probably the best place I have available right now. I just feel so unwelcome by the staff and insignificant. I don't know it's hard to explain. I guess not all the staff are that way towards me but alot of them are. I am having a hard time just sitting around even though I have tried to ask them if I could help them. But oh well I guess. Anyway, I hope all is well with you, I've been thinking about you and I thank you so much for the continued support.

Jennifer

You are very valued here... sweetie... and I imagine myself with you.. so that I am right there with you...

you aren't insignificant... being in a "different" place can make us feel like that.... so.. I am really hoping.. that with time... it will start to be better..

am right here ((((hugs))))

(((((((((Jennifer1084))))))))))))
So sorry things are still so hard. I hope for better days for you very soon. Please take care.