[JudeeB]

Hello, I can't believe I'm here and posting anything. I was diagnosed back in '92 and spent 9 years in intensive therapy leading to quite a bit of integration. My therapist left her practice and I was left on my own. I have tried to keep the few remaining alters quiet and not acting out. I've gone on with my life. I find myself in an awesome recovery group for codependency and have made a lot of progress. The problem that draws me here is knowing I need a sponsor. I quit sharing my reality with people many years ago. So I am honest only to that point. 12 Step programs demand a high level of honesty. I have lost my two dearest friends in the past year. The two people who knew me, all about me. Now I am alone. I can't bring myself to share this part of my life with anyone. Yet that has led to a deep loneliness. An obstacle to deep meaningful relationships. I am looking for encouragement, understanding and perhaps any insights any of you may have. Thanks for reading this even if you have no thoughts for me.

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((JudeeB)))))))))))

Welcome to Psych Central. It's so nice to have you here! I hope you will find a good home here and feel confident that you will find the support you are looking for. We look forward to getting to know you.

[bipolar_bear]

Welcome to PC JudeeB. I am glad you found us and hope you find the support you are looking for.

BB

[multipixie9]

JudyeeB,

Hi, I'm new here too. I've been dealing with DID since 1994. My counselor has been faithful to help me since then and has never abandoned me like other's before her and since her. I lost my sponsor last month over this issue. I finally let some of me out in emails and signed their names. She told me they were from satan and I needed to get rid of them!!! Boy did that make me feel angry with her. She said she accepted me and for 4 years I tried to work a program with her. I finally realized I was just skimming around some things and performing. There was no peace under the performing. sorry, I'm going off on my own stuff and meant to just respond to you.

I wish I had some experience that would help you. I just found out the opposite of help. The only thing I would do and will do if I get back into a program, is pray and ask God to lead me to someone who WILL accept me and work with me and all my insiders and littles. There are some good folks out there who try to accept us. The same principles of recovery help us, we just process life by committee....so to speak. =)

I hope you will come back and explore this place and see if it won't help you make your life better, that's what I want to do here.

For me, today is an easier day than some days. Somedays its real hard to talk to anyone. I wish you good things and help.

[JudeeB]

Thanks to everyone who replied. Mpixie9, your post was helpful in that you shared your experience and hope. I've been in and out of 12 step programs for many years and mostly go it alone as far as a sponsor goes. I hate being dishonest and feeling like I have to edit everything all the time.

As long as I had a couple people I could be 100% real with, I was OK. But losing the two people I could be that with has been difficult. My hope is that if I connect with a few folks here I won't feel so all alone.

I am not ashamed of being DID. I care about my alters and am grateful to them for everything they did for me. Yet the reality is that folks don't understand it and can be hurtful unintentionally.

So I am in no way complaining about being DID. It saved my life. I am just searching for some understanding friends. My life may have some interesting challenges but I have recieved many blessings through this experience!

Again, thanks for the warm welcome, JudeeB

[Luce]

Hey there... we are saying hello to all, too. We too were diagnosed back in the early 90's. Had many years of therapy, and now are looking for a place to be 'real' . Where us insiders can relate to others and be accepted and understood. So hi!

[JudeeB]

Hi Luce,

So glad to see there are others here past the chaos of discovery, past the anger, confusion, and resistance. My life is pretty peaceful yet there is often the loneliness of not being able to be completely real with others. Feeling like I have to hide part of who I am to be safe puts a distance between me and others and I don't know how to bridge that gap

I tried other sites a few years ago and it seemed that only the folks in the discovery stage wanted to share at all so I gave up. Although I like encouraging others I needed encouragement also and didn't find it.

Not all of my alters integrated, it was left up to them to choose, so I still feel their feelings when they come close to the surface, and I hear them especially if they are troubled. Something can still fall out of my mouth that I know wasn't me.

I still have triggers as we all do, but the handful of remaining alters still have some triggers too and that can be a challenge to deal with at times. My friends often think I'm moody and even stand-offish at times and I can't explain any of it to them.

To folks in the discovery stage this must all sound trivial but it's where I am. I have a good life but really look forward to a few friends who would understand those challenges.

Thanks so much for your reply!

Judee

[Kendyll]

My BF and I deal with his DID on an almost daily basis. I don't really understand why it is so hard for some people to accept...but I guess I'm not like most people in a lot of ways (I've got my own issues!).

We're both in 12-step program. His alters have become a wonderful support system on their own. His Protector, in particular is VERY determined that my BF make it to his meetings. He's even taken over when Jon didn't really care about going (REALLY bad day) so that he didn't miss the meeting. (Funny, Jonathan won't actually SIT through a meeting, though).

He still prefers to keep it hidden from most people. I get that, but it's unfortunate. "Normal people" can be real jerks. A couple of our friends in the meetings have noticed "something"...but the ones who count don't seem to care. It is hard to find a sponsor, though. Being honest about some things can be really hard...I have a great sponsor, and he knows what he needs to know about me, but I take the details to my T instead. My BF's decided to do the same.

For all the talk about "rigorous honesty", the person we most have to be honest with is OURSELVES. I wish you the best and I'm sorry this is so rough for you.

[wanttoheal]

It doesn't sound trivial at all. Although a lot of us are not where you are, I know we can gain understanding through your posts. I also hope that although we are not where you are, that we can give you the support you need as well.

Although I an not integrated and am still amnesiac, I do often feel the emotions that are held by others. While I don't always know how to recognize what the emotion is, it affects my life a lot sometimes.

I'm glad you're here. So often it's easier to think about the hardships of DID and it can be hard to not think that it's a death sentence. Having someone in the stage you are shows that there is hope. It's understandable that there are still some things you are working through. I hope you will be able to find the support you need here. Even if we might not be in the same place, we are good listeners and try to understand.

Thank you for sharing about what's going on for you. I hope we hear more from you.

[Luce]

Hey Judee... well, we are probably not quite where you are yet. But that's okay. we are definitely past the denial and discovery stage. But still have a lot to work on, and are still amnesiac at times. Probably left therapy before we were really done, heh. I can definitely relate to things still falling out of my mouth sometimes!

Mostly we are just working on co-operating, communicating, working together etc. Sometimes we still forget to do that. And we are not integrated... many fragment parts have, but mostly we are still definitely 'we'. but... we can operate as though we are integrated, if we remember to keep the machine well oiled.

Nice to meet you.