Okay, I think I'm going to go to T tomorrow and just be totally honest about how "not present" I feel. I'm always scared to go into too much detail. I know I kind of "check out" in session, I don't know how often, and I have told him of some of my experiences outside of therapy, but in general, I'm kind of scared to talk about it. Scared of sounding "too crazy" maybe, or scared about what he'll say, or....just scared!

But I was thinking tonight about how bad it's been lately. I can't remember so much of my days these days - and what I do remember is kind of like remembering a dream - where there are these separate details, and I strain to fill in the blanks around them, and I just can't.

There's more. A lot more. But I don't know how to explain it in a short post. I wrote a LONG letter to him that I'm going to bring tomorrow and I'm just going to give it to him and see what happens.

I guess part of why I'm scared is because I'm afraid he won't be able to help me. You know, it seems like I had a kind of balance worked out for so many years, where I knew I wasn't "all there" a lot of the time, but it didn't really matter. But when I finally fell apart enough to have to seek therapy - and now with the intensity of therapy and the things that come up in there - it's like my balance is all thrown off and I can't find my footing again.

Blah. Wish me luck. I guess I'm not totally sure I'm going to go through with it. But I'm going to try.

Or maybe not.

Should I? I have so much other stuff going on. Maybe it's not the time.

[(JD)]

Of course he can help you. Feeling somewhat dissociated, unreal, etc is common. Have you checked depersonalization or derealization terms? He might want you to read the letter to him, please do. Go ahead and go. You don't have to talk. You do have to go for your own good self care. You can do this, and it will be good.

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((earthmama!!!!)))))))))))))))
rooting for you!!!

[kimmydawn]

I think you're spot on in doing this. I waited entirely too long to be honest about what I did know with T. Too much wasted time that I regret very much. I don't wish that regret for you or anyone. I hope you're able to give him the letter. I felt so much good when I finally did and found that I was truly accepted, not thought of as crazy and, in fact, that T already knew most of what I told him without the detail. you'll both be the better for it, I suspect, which can only help your therapy.

Good luck, hon, and please let us know!

KD

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))) That's great that you were able to write about it. I hope you can give letter to t. I'll wager that T already knows some stuff you're going to tell him but this will give him a clearer picture.

For me, I was so much in denial and so much unaware, or a combination anyway. I just knew I was crazy. My T kind of had to figure things out here because I wasn't able to say much. My awareness was pretty low and I was scared to death. All I could think of was that I was crazy and that T was going to find out. I found out that I wasn't crazy at all. I still feel crazy but now T can reassure me that I'm not- there are reasons for this. I wish I had been able to express more in the beginning. I went a lot of years just feeling crazy.

It sounds like, from your other posts, that T is already helping you. This is just another awareness so that he can help you more.

Good luck with this. Let us know how it goes.

((((((((((((((((((sky)))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((kiya))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((kimmydawn))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((wanttoheal))))))))))))))))))))

I have therapy in 5 hours and I'm losing my nerve. I'm just so scared that he'll think I'm "too crazy"

This sucks. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place - like I can't go on without telling him and asking for help, and I can't tell him.

Besides, what can he do about it anyhow? Nothing. There's no point.

But thanks everyone for the support...

[Angel_of_the_Past]

(((((((((((((earthmama!!!!)))))))))))))))
You have my support. Let us know how it goes!

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))

T really cares about you earthmama and he's not going to think you're too crazy or even crazy at all. I hope you will be able to get it to him somehow, but I do understand not being able to. When you're ready, you will do it.

We have often done the hit and run method. We sneak things into T's chair as we're going out the door for her to read or look at later.

Good luck with whatever you decide. We're here to support you.

I did it. Well, sort of. I went in and was VERY dissociated and pretty much not speaking to him. But I knew that's not what I wanted, and I really tried to get present and be "myself". It was hard.

Finally, I laid down on his couch. Whenever I feel young and safe, I curl up on his couch and just let him take care of me. I could feel myself wanting to lay down, and finally I just gave in.

After that, everything totally changed. I was able to open up, and tell him how hard it's been to be present, how I feel like there is some angry, teenage part of myself that's been doing the cutting and I can't get her to stop. It occurred to me while I was laying there that maybe if I could hang onto young me, I could get teenage me to leave her the %#@&#! alone and stop cutting her.

He was pretty much like "WOW, you are SO SMART". He thought the whole thing was fine, even good, and seemed to completely understand where I was coming from. And he said he understood what was going on when I walked through the door and was so sullen and quiet - he said he was thinking to himself "she's being very adolescent". But I didn't feel judged at all, just accepted. And now I feel like I can explore and talk with him about it a little more and it will be okay.

He said that of course I would have all of these "me"s because of the experiences I had growing up. And that someday, we'd all be integrated, that's what therapy is for.

I still feel a little "out there" - like this is stuff I could only share on this board. But I'm glad to have someone to share with.

Thanks for listening

[wanttoheal]

Good job! I'm so glad you were able to allow yourself to open up with T. I think it's awesome that you were able to feel safe enough there to talk to him and that he was understanding and nonjudgmental. He sounds like a great T.

[Kiya]

Earthmama - I am so glad you didn't quit therapy!!!! You went and did just fine. Yay you!!! I am also so glad he is very understanding.
(((((((((((((((((((earthmama!))))))))))))))))))))))
kiya