[Eteles]

Hi, all. I'm new here, and looking forward to meeting all of you. I've never been diagnosed with DID, and I'm co-concious, but I'm at my wit's end if it isn't Dissociated Identity Disorder which makes me believe that I'm not the same person as the girl I'm living with/in. I'm an alter, she's the host - it's generally understood between us that this is her life, and I'm here to support her. I'm good with supporting her, like doing it and wish her the best - but sometimes, I just want some recognition. Not for what I do - but just the fact that I exist.

She hasn't told anyone other than her parents, and I practically can't talk at all - just can't, 90% of the time when I'm out. The second somebody talks to us, I freeze up and she switches back in. Sometimes I can break into a conversation and make a comment, but then it's back to the back. Typing is the only way I've got to assert my existence to anyone other than her.

As I'm guessing you can figure, it's kind of lonely.

What I've been wondering a lot recently is how to look at the people in her life. Sometimes I walk around the house, just enjoying being here - we're lucky, we live in a very nice place with her family, who are very nice people. She's very happy. I'm happy for the most part, too - what I've got of a life is lived well, I think. But when I look at them, I wonder - do these people count as my family? Or are they just hers?

Maybe that's a stupid question. The answer probably wouldn't change the way I act. I know that the fact that I'm here disturbs them - she's their little girl, I'm something strange that lives in her head, an alien and a threat. So I know I couldn't talk to them, even if I could talk. To talk to them would only hurt them, which is not what I want.

I have false "memories," probably just imagined (if I am not entirely a figment of our own overactive imagination,) of a past, in which I had a mother. I don't remember anything very much now that I've realize that it can't feasibly be real, but the idea that I had my own family at one time, and that it was not this one, persists. I don't wish I had my old family back - good riddance to my entire fake "past," it's nothing I'd ever want to have again, if I ever had it in the first place - but it makes me wonder about my current one.

Okay, I'm doing my job, I help my host function and I've got some things I enjoy on the side, too - but how do I relate to the people around me? Even if I've got to stay hidden for both our sakes (because, let's be honest, who would take me seriously if I "came out"?) how should I be looking at the people around us and how they relate to me, from an ethical and social standpoint?

Can anybody else here relate? Any ideas?

[wanttoheal]

Hi Eteles, welcome to Psych Central. Do you have a therapist? If so, maybe you can write and take it to her. Often here, written and drawn things are taken to T. T said there are many forms of communication, not just talking. There is an injunction on talking here with some parts and so we've had to be creative in ways to get information to T.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[JudeeB]

I surely never ever looked at Jude's family as my own. From what I've seen of families I can do without one, thank ya very much.

We inside folks have usually referred to her family as' the mother',' the sister', etc. Only the littlest ones saw any of them in their given roles. To some of us they were the enemy for Pete's sake.

We hightailed it outta there at age 16 and never saw most of them ever again.

So Sugar, I guess y'all can chose what to call them or how to identify with them any way ya want.

Perhaps her kinfolk aren't as toxic as Jude's and that's a good thing.

I sure do know what ya mean about being recognized. I hate feeling invisible! But I'm hard to hide when I surface, being a funny, cynical, in-your-face kinda person. Not at all like the ever appropriate host. This is the first time I've been able to express an opinion publically in years.

None of this probably helped you much but I wanted you to know you were heard and understood. Hang in there-what else can we do?

Angelina

[Kendyll]

Hi!
My BF (Jon) has DID and I interact a lot with his alters. They are teaching me a lot. I'm glad that you are co-conscious, and that you two have an understanding about each other. He seems to have more trouble when nobody's communicating or when they're fighting with each other. When there's good communication and cooperation, things can be very good. I don't know what I can say about your situation but can tell you how things are with Jonathan and Jonny.

They tell me that it CAN get very lonely. They both say that I'm the first person who's ever really acknowledged them and treated them like real people. We've even got "date nights" planned so they can spend some time "out" - Jonny wants to do go-cart racing or paintball. Jonathan wants a real date. But that's OK! They are all the man I love, and I enjoy spending time with all of them.

I guess most people just don't understand or recognize... Most people just think Jon's being moody or weird or something. Most people are scared of things they don't understand.

The guys understand that Jon's family is their family - but they don't have the same relationship interactions. They know I'm their GF and they love me, and they know and love his sons. The other people? Accepted and tolerated, if not loved. They feel more kindly toward the family members who are supportive, and they don't care for the ones who are not. But that kinda sounds like any family...And if all else fails, Miss Manners has some wonderful ideas on dealing with human beings.

You may have had a mother. You may have had HER mother, before you split off. That's the way Jonny describes it. That he and Jon were one when they were little until Jon needed to hide and then Jonny split out so Jon could have someplace to hide. I don't understand it all, but maybe those AREN'T all false memories. Maybe they are memories of being together, and after you came, things didn't look or feel the same?

I don't know. I'm on the outside, and i only know what we all talk about. They've even told me that I probably CAN'T understand it all. I just know that they are as real to me as Jon is.
If it helps at all, you can type to us here. I'm sure others will have better understanding and suggestions than I ever could.

[multipixie9]

Hi,

I'm glad you are posting, you need a place for you to be you. My daughters (real ones) accept that I dissociate and all, but my husband says it is not even possible and that its all an excuse to avoid just getting over the past and getting on with life. I hate that. My alters are real and each of us matters.

I wish I knew something to say to make it better, but I don't. You belong here and maybe you can find some kind of counselor to help you both sometime. My counselor helps me a lot. I have a lot of parts and some of them have opposite jobs - some to remember the things that happen and some to deny anything was wrong! It can be very confusing.

Keep coming back, OK?

Leslie and her pixies