What is My Identity?

For the last five years my ex T had asked me who am I? I've thought over and over about this through the years...I can only come up with one answer, and I know it's not right but it seems to be this way...I am a sex object, something to be used, a victim...that's the life that I know. I know all I've known is pain.

My bf of 5 years ago traumatized me by holding me down, strangling me, and making me touch a child...forcibly I might add. I developed DID after that incident. I could not stop the trances that I would go into. I'd hang myself or cut myself in these trances, but I always came out of them right before going all the way. I wouldn't remember how I got to where I would be at in the house or where I'd get the things I used to hurt myself...

I'm still not near over this whole event. I was the one who turned everything in to the police and tried to protect that little girl as best I could. My efforts weren't good enough, though. That's the part that still kills me. Sometimes at night I can still see her face...an innocent face so unsure of what she should be doing. I loved that child and was forced to hurt her in a way I know all too well.

((((((((lexicon)))))))))

only time, healing and therapy is going to enable you to move past this. i'm sorry for the pain. it is intense, i know.

i'm sure you have ptsd over this period of time in your live. along with ptsd come various forms of dissociation, which it sounds like you were doing. dissociation doesn't necessarily mean DID, however. DID can only be created by the very young child's mind.

stick close to your t right now and those that you can trust.

be safe,

kd