I've no identity

I've been married to my wife for 25 years and we've been as happy as most couples can be during that period. We've worked side by side running a hotel and literally lived out of each others pocket with little argument or conflict. The latter work / live condition in itself is quite remarkable considering it was a 24/7 situation. However, throughout our marriage my wife has NEVER, in the whole of that time, called me by my Christian name, or indeed any other name when addressing me. This worries me. The clientelle of our business have recognised this over the years and have occasionally remarked on this, of course I jokingly fobbed it off with one excuse or another. I don't get addressed like the other guys do by their spouses. A suitable example might be:

" Hey, John, your diner's ready leave the car till later."

or

" Hey, honey, your diner's ready leave the car till later."

I would only receive from my wife:

" Hey, your diner's ready leave the car till later" .........

As you can see by this example she's omitted to give me an identity, I'm just an "it" rather than "John" the real person. This applies to any situation where verbal communication with me applies. I always call my wife by her Christian name when addressing her or requesting anything, so it's not a "get back"..
My wife addresses all her friends and family by their respective names so she doesn't suffer from memory loss or an inability to remember names.
Most people whom I know address their partners or friends by their Christian or nicknames, so why doesn't my wife do this with me? We've discussed this non-identity scenario too many times to remember over the years, with her admitting it takes place, and promising to change things, but regrettably it continues. I really hurts to have no identity in the mind of the person who is by all accounts the closest to me, my wife.
Has anyone else heard of this syndrome and able to put a name to this kind of behavior besides the usual which comes to mind such as, "Ignorant *****" and the likes, and maybe suggest some exact literature I can read on this.

Cheers

PS Divorce and a re-start is totally out of the question.

Hi "John",
Welcome to the forum! I don't know, maybe you have probably done this already, but when she calls you say your name to her, as a reminder, sorry if I sound sarcastic but maybe it will eventually sink in. Are you sure you two are really getting along okay?? Even when I am not with my husband, I still call him by his name, it is just natural. What is weird when my mom speaks to me about my dad she'll refer to him as her husband instead of "your dad" but than other times she say " daddy" says hi, blah blah. . . I guess it depends how annoyed she is with him on that given day, they are retired and an always bickering about something. We are going on 25yrs of marriage next April, you wonder where the years have gone. I don't know what more to say, I don't know what your wife's problem is, did her mom treat her dad like that when she was growing up? Try to have a "calm" talk with her again, let her know how hurtful this is, gosh I even call my dog by her name all the time Good luck and take care now.
"darkeyes"

Thanks for your welcome 'darkeyes'. I've tried introducing my name to my wife when she speaks to me and all she says is, "I know, I know." It's very weird really because both my wifes parents always addressed each other by their respective Christian names, so that should in theory have rubbed off onto their daughter. My wife has two sisters who have no difficulty with their verbal addressing. I've talked with my wifes parents and they can offer no explanation as to why she has this mental block of my name. They cannot associate any bad experience in the past with anyone called John, so that rules that one out. We do get on extremely well and know each other to the point of knowing what each is going to say, and even thinking, almost telepathic really, it's funny at times, we can laugh at a situation without having to say a word. That is supposed to indicate a good bonding apparently. It truly beats me as to what the problem is. During our many discussions on this subject I suggested officially changing my name to one which she felt able to use, this was viewed as quite silly and "over the top". I do believe at this late stage that I'll have to live with this situation for the rest of our days together as much as it distresses me.
Many thanks again, John

Hi John and welcome to the forums. Wow, I've never heard of anything like this before. I must admit that I have the urge to start every sentence to you with your first name... So are you saying that she has NEVER addressed you by your first name? I'm curious, If she introduces you to someone, how does that work? I just think that there has to be some underlying reason for this, possibly as darkeyes said something that happened in her childhood? I wish I knew a direction to point you for answers but I'm totally baffled by this. My wife and I have a lot of "pet" names for each other too. She also has a small selection of special names she uses for me for when I get out of line, but that's a story for another time....

It may be a bit on the radical side, but if this is really bothering you, and it seems to be, would you consider telling her that if she isn't willing to address you by name when she speaks to you then you wont acknowledge her? I know it sounds like a very tough stand, but this is a matter of respect. Everyone deserves the respect to be addressed by their names. I don't know, maybe you'd rather not rock the boat and I don't blame you if you don't.

I hope you can find an answer for this, it really leaves me scratching my head quite frankly. But I hope you'll keep coming back and be a member of our family! And we'll always call you John...

Be well,
bptoo

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was
'committed'."

Thanks for your input too, it is the strangest of scenarios to say the least. I could easily retaliate by NOT calling my wife by her Christian name but I don't believe it would make any difference. Maybe two wrongs don't make a right and "rocking the boat" might create instability in what is quite a good relationship....... the obvious ignored of course. We have three children and even they have attempted to encourage mom to call dad by his name, but to no avail. I think I will accept the situation for what it is and just get on with our life, which afterall is good in real terms. I wish only that my wife would use my name to rouse me should I become terminally ill, and semi comatose due to drugs, for departing this world without that from her lips would never allow me to rest in peace.

May the brightest star shine upon you all,

John

john, I actually am someone who very rarely calls people by name, and I'd like to give you an alternate way of thinking about your wife's behavior. It sounds like she does not have quite the same behavior as I do, since you say that she calls everyone else by name. But maybe she has some of the same thought processes. Anyway, a name is essentially a verbal description of someone. When you think of someone by their name, you are thinking of them with a verbal descriptor. I do not think verbally, so when I think of someone, I think of the person (what they look like, how they are related to me, etc.) without the name. It is not that these people have no identity to me, but that their identities are not associated with a word, or a name. Now I have this "problem' (I would prefer "behavior", but I don't want to get bogged down in symantics) with most people I know, but I can tell you it is more pronounced with the people I am closest to, since I have the most connections to them, so I have more non-name ways of thinking of them.

I'm not entirely sure if that explanation made sense, but anyway, I do think there is the possibility that rather than you having less identity to your wife, she may not use your name because you have more identity. You say that you two have a very good, and very close relationship. So perhaps she does not think of you as "John". Perhaps she thinks of you as her soulmate, the one who completes her, the other half of her life's partnership, the most intimate relationship in her life. Since these things are not verbal, when she addresses you, no verbal name comes out.

I'm just speculating, and maybe her reasons for not calling you by name are totally different. But since you seem to have a wonderful marriage, and since she does not seem to be able to change this behavior pattern, maybe just thinking of it as a distinction that means you are more special to her than anyone else, rather than less special could make it easier for you to live with it.

Just my two cents. I hope you come back and let us know how you are doing.

mj

I think mj is on to something here.
Zen<font color=blue>

Progress is nothing but the victory of laughter over dogma.--Benjamin De Casseres

Hello again, sorry for the delay in replying today. Whilst it's somewhat difficult for me to accept theories on my non-identity, I did approach this group for exactly that. MJ's explanation does make some sense once you've opened up your mind to the concept and allowed it to run thru a couple of times. Maybe my wife does believe we are "one" and hence the un-essentiality of using my name when addressing me. I have again discussed the "problem" with my wife revealing that I'd been on this group looking for answers. She wasn't very pleased initially, "hanging the dirty washing out in public", as she put it, but she now realises how much this has been bugging over the years that she's going to make a serious effort to make changes. In fact she called me by my Christian name so much yesterday it felt quite weird, and yet I loved it. Long may it continue.

Many thanks to all who contributed to my posting....... inner peace at last?

John

Excellent John! This is great news. Although I don't tell mj often enough, I think she is one incredibly smart and insightful lady and I value her very much. I wish you and your wife many, many years of joy and happiness!

bptoo

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was
'committed'."

Congratulations! It is so wonderful to hear that she is willing to make the effort now she knows exactly how much it has upset you.
Zen<font color=blue>

Progress is nothing but the victory of laughter over dogma.--Benjamin De Casseres

bp, that is just the nicest thing for you to say!!! It feels so good to hear that someone else appreciates you, even though my contribution seems miniscule compared to all the help you and others here give. I don't post a lot, but I read everything, and I feel so lucky to have found a place with such caring and knowledgable people. So, thanks for the kind words, and thanks for being here!!! : )

And John, I'm so glad to hear that you and your wife are working on this problem together. You seem to have a truly special relationship, so I'm sure you will work this out.

mj