I've been controlling

I have been controlling my alters so much lately. For the last month or so I have been ignoring them. I can't really tell you why....IDK. The only thing I can think of is that I feel like my T was pushing me too hard to try to draw, color and do other things in therapy that I was not willing to do with anyone other than my BF. I never told her that because I didn't realize it til now.

Every time she would ask me if I wanted to draw a picture of something or someone, I would say no. I just don't want to do it in FRONT of HER.

Part of me feels like she may not believe me about my alters. I won't let them out when I am out of the house....I can't....I must remain in control.

I know that I need to let them out when I am at home, but I think I am starting to think that they don't exist....even though I KNOW they do....

I guess I really just need some thoughts....if you have any...

Even just hugs would be ok....if you can spare any?

Thanks,
BJ

((((((((((((((( BJ )))))))))))))))
:Heart: :Heart: :Heart:

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kd

I do understand how you are feeling. But I will share what I learned. My alters needed help, help I didn't know how to give. My boyfriend got to know them, bought them gifts etc. and that was important but he didn't know how to help them in other ways. That was up to my therapist. They needed to get to know her and trust her so she could lead them through the memory work and eventually towards integration.

I had nine years of intensive therapy and most of my sessions were for them. They were traumatized and needed the help. Without the work with my t I would still be in chaos. I had a large system. I'm down to 4 alters who live in harmony.

I discovered the longer I resisted trusting the process the longer it took to find healing. At first it was all about me. I thought, I felt, I wanted............. But it did get through that the alters were the ones who needed help more than I did. If they could be helped it would help me eventually and it did. Controling them, ignoring them and wishing they'd go away is normal but in the long run not really all that helpful.

I have had seven years free of the turmoil and chaos. I am so grateful I listened to my t and developed acceptance and gratitude and stopped trying to run and avoid what needed to be done.

It's hard work. I had to go on disability. I was hospitalized several times. I thought it would never end. I had to focus on the alters who were the most damaged and get them help. So, hang in there and think about the bigger picture if you can. Without help our wounded alters will stay stuck. I don't think any of us really want that.

just something to consider,
Judy and Company

That's excellent advice JudeeB. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I don't know that I control other parts of me because I think mine come forward when triggered (although it's all my brain so I must do something maybe), but I do often get upset when I don't remember sessions with T. I think I need to be more thankful that other parts of me can get help too. It's hard for me sometimes knowing that T knows more about me than I do, but I do trust her and I need to remember that she is trustworthy in these situations. Thank you

((((((((((((((onlymedid))))))))) Do you allow yourself time to draw and write at home? I have found when I allow myself to just draw, doodle, write, etc, that my brain is calmer overall.

Thanks for updating us on what's going on with you. Please keep us posted.

Dear Me,

HUGS!!! and more HUGS!!!

I used to deny and ignore my alters and it finally made some problems with them. I have a strong denial part to my system of alters and I've had to learn to stop denying them. They have done a huge amount on my behalf. I'm not saying that to guilt you or anything, I just went through that.

My spouse refuses to believe DID is real. Apparently he would rather think I am a liar and a lazy person who just doesn't want to "get over it" about my past. SO...I really stopped my alters from coming out any time he was home. Not cool for their sake.

I hope you can become more comfortable allowing them freedom. They are you and you are them. You survived together things that might have broken someone else and sent them to a hospital forever.

I don't know if any of this will help, but I do care and sympathize

Leslie and the Pixies

Judy and Company,

My BF loves to play and color with one of my littles (the other won't talk to anyone) and so he is a bit disappointed that he can't do those things with her right now. He worries that she is getting sad or upset...he is so caring. I told him that things are fine inside, but in actuality I keep hearing the frustration they have. I am going to play more video games, that way no one will know it is really the others (as I call them) playing!

I know that the others would like to open up, but I get too shy, ashamed and embarrassed so I just don't let them out to anyone except my BF (except lately). Plus, I get the feeling that my T just doesn't believe me or thinks it's something else.

I think it's great that you have been able to get so much out of therapy! I hope I can do that one day.

I have let the others color and draw before, but I don't like T asking a lot of questions about them. It's as though she is asking "too many" questions for everyone inside to feel "safe", if that makes sense.

I will try to write more to T about how the others are feeling and what they are going through....it's hard though....the trust thing. That is a huge deal. I am trying to trust her, but she is an authority figure and that scares me.

Thank you so much for all your insight and experience. It helps to know that there is a way out, but it will take a lot of work. I think once I learn to trust T things will go smoother, it will just take some time.

BJ

I used to draw, but I found that the stuff I drew just caused more confusion and havoc because they were dark and I didn't like to look at them. Writing is hard for me. I used to do some writing with my non-dominant (left) hand, but I usually ended up reading something very angry later on. Sometimes the writing would lead to calling names, being mean, etc. I know that stuff needs to come out, but it can get me upset, too.

Thank you for the suggestion, though. I need suggestions because I don't want to keep doing this....ignoring them or pushing them away.

BJ

Thank you, Leslie and the Pixies.

I welcome hugs with open arms! LOL

I, too, have a strong denial part of my system! I didn't really think about it til you mentioned it.

I know you are not trying to guilt me and I appreciate that you have been through it and are giving some help to me.

I am lucky in the sense that my BF totally understands and believes me. He thinks it's amazing how my brain has created a way to help keep me "safe", but also wants me to deal with the things from my past so that I can help the others to feel safer. IDK what I would do if he didn't believe me....that is hard.

It helps and I really appreciate your thoughts and kind words, thank you!

BJ

KD and Fuzzybear....you two are amazing! Thanks for the hugs!

I have a suggestion for you....I hope it is something you might be able to consider and do for you and yours

How about having a separate journal for each of you to use? In these separate journals can be writing and drawing pictures and maybe you can get everyone to agree to keep them private from you and each other until such time as you have a consesus that it's ok to share.

A friend of mine has done this before and it's worked out well. Everyone's journal is private until that part is willing to share. It's a great way for everyone to express themselves safely without worry of hurting anyone else or them being hurt by one another.


sabby

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((BJ)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Please give yourself time to heal. Sometimes it takes a while to understand and accept each and every one of you. It is scary to know that things happen when you are not around. Let yourself heal at your own pace.

BB

Thanks Sabby. I may have to try that. I never thought of having separate journals.


BJ

Thanks BB, I think I am just running low on patience these days! LOL I will try to slow down a little and go at a better pace instead of trying to get everything and everyone to heal by tomorrow!


bj