[Kendyll]

I can't handle this. I can't handle this.
I can deal with anything else - the flashbacks, the nightmares - ANYTHING. But not this, not the anger and the accusations, not the false realities. I haven't done anything wrong!!!!!

So I'm on my way home from work, and I get a call from the neighbors that Jon's not doing so well. I get home as soon as I can, and I go over to get him. We come home, and he's having flashbacks. Then he starts to get angry. OK, I've had it...I start to dissociate, so I go to the kitchen to get my "grounding stuff" (licorice Altoids and ice cubes). Now he's blowing up at me because I'm just "making a scene", creating "drama", trying to make it all about me.

F&^$ that.

I don't deserve this. I don't. I do everything in my power to support him and love him...I got my own problems, y'see. I do the best I can no any given day, and this particular day, I just wasn't able to hold on. SO now I'm the bad guy, I'm the one doing everything wrong, I'm the one who's f^%#ed in the head...I'm trying my damnedest to keep myself from dissociating away, and I'm told that I'm faking it. I'm looking for attention.

MY PROBLEMS ARE REAL, TOO!!!!!

I'm sorry that he had a rough day.
I'm sorry that he's suffered so much in his life that he doesn't get a day's peace.
I'm sorry that my last nerve hasn't been in very good shape lately.
I'm sorry I'm so weak.
I don't deserve this...

[cantstopcrying]

(((((((((((kendyll))))))))))) What a terrible thing to come home to. I'm so sorry that you were made to feel this way. You have to take care of yourself. You are important, you are special and you deserve to focus on you, too.

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((( kendyll )))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry.

You're right; you didn't deserve that.

We should never have to feel bad for self-care in these types of situations.

I so understand what you're saying as I've been there to different degrees many times...damned for even attempting any "me" stuff. How dare I, really?

I'm learning, though, as with many things that it's not really about me then, either. These ppl that down me for it, aren't used to it and don't like it. They want my focus on them and it has to mess with there warped senses of security to see me care for myself...because if I care for myself too much, I might notice how much they hurt and take advantage of me...risking what they hold dear.

Now, of course this sort of thing happens in normal situations as well (like with hubby) and it doesn't carry that sort of meaning. However, when the "normal" happens, it can mix with the parallel battle I fight with birth family that carries all I said before. It gets so polluted sometimes.

I'm just so sorry it happened even if it was on the more "normal" end of it (which I'm not saying it was because I don't know), and pray it's some better now for you.

Just know I understand and that you're not alone in this kind of thing.

KD

[free2beme]

(((((((((((Kendall)))))))))))

you're right, this is not your fault. you did not deserve this.

i guess it's common for ppl to lash out at those

with whom they are the most familiar, but the hurt and damage they

cause can be overwhelming to say the least. you did everything you

could to stay grounded and safe.

please take care of you. you are important to us.

[multipixie9]

dear kendyll,

they say, "hurt people, hurt people". like all truisms it has some accuracy. but knowing the truth of this doesn't take any of the pain, anger, fear and distress away.

you do not deserve to be treated this way. you are trying to get healthy and deal with your own stuff and unfortunately living with someone as broken up as jon....well, it just makes it harder.

things you've written lately showed this was building up to something. it is possible to love someone dearly but not be able to take the c*** they shovel out indefinitely. it is correct to take care of yourself. remember, holiday season is stressful for everyone and more so for the broken folks. keep taking care of yourself because YOU are ALL you have!

hugs, leslie and pixies

ps, things are not great where i am either. so i guess we need to just do one day or one hour at a time. kendyll

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((((Kendyll)))))))))))))) I'm so sorry. Your needs are important too and I'm sorry that happened. My inclination would be to run in a situation like that but I don't know that that is always a good solution. I do hope you are able to enforce some boundaries with Jon and get the support you need to be able to do and make decisions you need to make. Please take gentle care of yourself right now. You deserve it.

[Sannah]

Kendyll, I'm sorry, I agree with Leslie, hurt people hurt. Do you think it had more to do with him than you?

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( Kendyll )))))))))))))))

[Kendyll]

Thanks Everybody.
Sorry I didn't get back to this sooner. Between traveling for the holidays and working extra hours I just haven't had time, opportunity or energy...

Things are getting better. We've talked more about this nasty mean thing. I've reiterated my boundary and clarified it some more. Our T has given us both permission to use her voice mail if we need to blow up at someone. Jon's working to identify and express his anger when it first comes up - the longer he holds it, the more it draws from past anger too. We're trying to talk a little every night about how we're doing.

I understand that this isn't really about me. I am just the closest "target". This is mainly anger that he was never "safe" enough to feel (boy, I understand THAT!!). Now he is safe. Now all that crap bubbles to the surface, latches on to some current annoyance, and boils over like a lava flow. In that way, it's different from my rages. I'm a HUGE explosion that's over fairly quickly. His isn't as intense, but it goes on and on and on if I don't get out of the way. Kinda like the difference between Mt. St. Helen and Kilauea. It is good to note that when I DO leave the room, he doesn't follow and by the time I come back, he's back to normal.

On a good note, I had a visit from the guys last night and they're all doing well. Jonny's all excited that he got to meet my niece and nephew, and that we've got the boys for another sleepover Friday. He's been working with J.T. - trying to find him new things to do so J.T. doesn't have to just do the dirty work anymore. And J.T. is trying to communicate with the others more so there aren't as many misunderstandings. Jonathan actually has some "time off" to rest and relax. He's found out that he can be quite the social guy when Jon gets nervous, and that he doesn't have to get stuck as the curmudgeon. Good to see everyone happy, good to see everyone smile.

I hope you are all well.

[Sannah]

Kendyll, so glad to hear that things are being taken care of!

[sabby]

(((((((((((( Kendyll & Jon )))))))))))))

I haven't had a chance to respond to this thread until now, but boy do I understand what you are going through. It really sounds like you are both doing some good work to get some boundaries and understanding on both sides and that's really great!

Regardless of who within the system is angry/upset, they have to learn how to let out that anger in more positive, healthy ways. It's hard though when they were never taught that or given the opportunity to do it safely...it's quite a learning experience for everyone.

I think you are both doing a great job.....hang in there with it!


sabby

[multipixie9]

kendyll,

i am glad to hear things are a bit better. you are doing good to reinforce and reiterate your boundary. you should not have to be in the way of anyone's lava flow so often. but it all can get better. hugs to you, hang in there, december is a stressful month.

leslie and pixies

[wanttoheal]

I'm so glad things are getting better and you have support from T.

[___Shadow___]

so glad everyone is doing better

[iamtwilight]

(((Kendyll & Jon)))

glad things are getting better!


twilight

[Junerain]

For me Karen I can now feel. I feel like thisThe system was scary last night, it was dark...the light is starting to come in now whew fast it woils overI do not know where the next woil will take me someplace fair or someplace where I am doing my penance... The lava was overwhelming and itchy..now, as it is safe, I love, care for, and pet my birth family. Birth families they change and are not actually "birth...." They are the door to that family, they are the fear of finally getting home combined with the anticipation of finally getting home I eat a lemon. Not from ymkitchen but in the den. The back door has become the front door. My imperversion is confessed my penance is over I sit here with this picture