How do you trust the memories?

trigger warning for reference to 'false memories'

How do you trust what you remember?
I know that some of what I remember has at least some truth to it, but I also know that some of what I have remembered in the past is NOT true. I don't know where reality lies. I have no way of discerning my own reality. The memories I have had that have been corroborated by others (perps admitted it) I cannot distinguish internally in any reliable way from the memories that I know for absolute certain are NOT true. And the difference in severity between the 'true' abuse and the 'not true' abuse is like this:

xxx (true) XXXXX (not true)

the shades of grey, the in between abuse, i have no idea about. I really don't even know what is true of the 'xxx' abuse, even tho I know something occurred.

The reason I ask is, for insurance convering purposes, I have to go to T next week and give her details about my abuse. The who what where when guts of it all.

And all I can think is I can't tell her anything. Because all of it is lies. Because there is no reality. Because I have no truth.

(((((((((((( Luce )))))))))))))

I'm sure it must be very confusing dealing with is it or is it not true. There are things we don't want to believe happened....there are things we know for a fact happened...there are things we want to ignore yet at the same time try to figure out their validity.

For all that you are unsure about....let your T know. T can work with you through those things and you can come to YOUR truth. Just because you don't have a handle on all your memories does not mean they are lies....it means the pieces of the puzzle haven't come together just yet. I hope you can talk to T and let her know where you are at.

Wishing you well!


sabby

((((((((((((((((Luce))))))))))))))))) I think all memory can have different views, but in my opinion, it's how it is affecting you that matters more so than the memory.

I agree with Sabby. It's all pieces of the puzzle that make up who we are.

Maybe your mind is struggling with the abuse and what you are experiencing is this process. Can you try and work with your t and see the significance. I hope you can try to see past the true/not true aspect as it definitely has some significance to you. Please take care.

BB

Sabby, wanttoheal, Bipolar_bear... thank you all for trying to understand.

I wish so much there were a safe place for discussing this. I wish I could sort it all out.

I will talk to my T about it. I have only seen this T three times, and am still very much in the getting to know each other phase. But I will work up towards talking to her about it, as it is crucial for my own growth and healing.

*****Trigger warning for talk of disbelieving recovered memories****

So many years of my life were spent recovering from memories that I no longer believe were true. Some of the abuse was true. Where is the middle road between saying all memories are true and all memories are false? How on earth can you figure out for yourself what is truth and what is not? What do you do when you KNOW that a particular type of your abuse memories are not true, yet you spent 10 long years of your life focused on dealing with them?

I want to be authentic and real. I want to be honest. I want to know my own truth, and own it.

I have lived in these extremes - utter denial of everything, and total acceptance of memories that are NOT real. I find neither is the truth. Neither is authentic. Neither allows me to be real.

I need to work up the courage to share my story with my T.

And you know what? there is no truth inside of me. insde there is nothing real. there isnt any truth to be found.

I feel your frustration with this Luce. I hope you can find a way to not be so hard on yourself though. I like what wanttoheal said We all have our different ways of looking at our memories...sometimes we can find a way to rationalize and sometimes we think ... no way....not right. Moods and emotions can also alter how we think about things.

I hope that as you work through the "getting to know you" stage with T that you will find a safe place to speak about this. I think your T should be able to help you break this down into more manageable sections for you and it won't feel so huge and as frustrating for you.

Your truth is your truth hon.....no one here is judging. You will come to yours in time.....I'm sending you good thoughts and patience

sabby

I hear you. How about you just print out your post and bring it to your T? "I don't know" is a very valid truth. Surely your T would understand. And surely she'll find a way to fill out insurance paperwork without forcing you to admit things you're not sure of...

((((hugs))))