[multipixie9]

my daughter has been needing huge amounts of support. she is kinda falling apart in her job as special ed teacher(1st year). she has crying jags, panic attacks, depression and has never been quite this way before. i've sent her to my t for some short term help. but i want to run away from her because i feel like she's drowning and pulling me under with her. i hate feeling that way about my daughter. my mom never was able to be there for me very well and i don't want to be like her, but i am feeling panicked myself when she calls and i feel angry. then i feel selfish for feeling bad about my daughter. i want to dig a hole, crawl in and pull the top over me and hide. i am so sick of being so darn reactive to life. grrr. why can't i just be able to detach and help without feeling her feelings so strongly that i think i'm gonna suffocate? i am angry with me. i need a local support group.

2 christmas parties coming up and i'd rather do almost anything else but go to parties. they make me feel horrible and i hate that about me. i lead a quiet life and just don't have a bunch of small talk to use to pass the time. i wish i could not feel this way. it sounds so pathetic to whine over having to go to parties, but it really makes me suffer. grr.

[notz]

First year teaching can be really difficult. And special ed like art, music and P.E. are sort of separate from the many classroom teachers. All that to say your daughter may not have much of a "similar-to-her field" built-in support system within the school. I'm sure your T will help.

All you can do is your best. You're not your mother, you are your daughter's mother. Maybe all you can do for both of you is listen and give hugs. Whatever you do, it will be just right.

notz


P.S. The days of December before Christmas break are extremely stressful for teachers and 1st year teachers have no reference for the insane intensity of it!!!

[multipixie9]

thanks for your support notz,

this school seems to be worse than usual for special ed. my daughter has two aides who are not pulling their weight. there are 7-8 students who need more than my daughter has to give and at least one is constantly violent. this distresses me a lot to think of my girl being hit while she's just trying to help.

my daughter's intense needs are pulling too hard on me and i am feeling like my stability is crumbling and my anxiety is getting very intense. i guess i just wrote in today because no one in my system of alts knows how to help her and we are getting so upset i have a bad headache and just wish that she and i both could calm down. i feel horribly stressed just now. sorry

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((((multipixies)))))))))))))) I'm so sorry it's stressful right now.

I often struggle with knowing how to help my daughter and feel like I make it worse sometimes. I try to listen and support her the best I can, but then it seems like it's not the right thing at the right time. Someone recently told me that I can't fix daughter. Unfortunately daughter has to decide what to do and fix herself. While this makes sense when it comes to me, it's hard to do that for my children because I want things to be okay for them. All we can do is give our support, listen and encourage. It's up to them to make the changes to do the things they need to do.

I understand about parties and social events too. It's hard for me when there are a lot of people around and I often dissociate my way through them. I hope that time goes quickly for you and/or that you are able to grasp on to something that will make you smile during those times.

Hang in there.

[Sannah]

Leslie, can you explain to your daughter what is going on with you concerning her?

The parties, would you be more comfortable sitting by yourself somewhere?

[multipixie9]

(((wanttoheal)))

thanks for responding, we moms love our children and wish so much to help, but sometimes it really is their deal to work out. my daughter has taken the steps to meet with the same counselor i go to for some short term help. i'm hoping that she will be able to grasp the help my T will offer. my daughter is in a spot where she is scared of falling completely apart and it is triggering me onto what life was like when she was tiny and my issues first got really hard. i spent the nights pacing the floor feeling like armageddon was about to happen and i had no help and felt like i was losing my mind. it was pretty awful back then and she is in a stae that reminds me of all that and its horrible for her and sort of for me also. thanks for listening and offering help.

[multipixie9]

(((sannah)))

yesterday, i did finally tell her that i am beginning to crumble from the stress of being constantly informed of each rotten event from each day. sarah doesn't realize how hard she pulls on me when she's scared and upset. this is one major reason she needs to see a t. she pulls on me like a drowning person pulls on a rescuer. she is codependant and she has deep fear inside that needs addressing. so i am pulling back some and cutting her off as gently as i can after a certain point.

i would probably enjoy sitting by myself and watching the party while not being in it, but that is not really possible. i feel i need to do the best i can to mingle and be friendly. phil is in one of the top positions in this somewhat small company and i feel a bit conspicuous for that reason and like i need to be as outgoing as i can manage for his sake. any suggestions would be welcome here....? =)

[Sannah]

I'm sorry Leslie .... Tell Sarah to come here and vent!

[iamtwilight]

sannah that is a good idea!

hugs to all pixies & daughter too... i was a teacher's assistant once (for 7-8 year olds) for a while when i was a bit younger (though i'm only 20 now) and it was terrible. they weren't even special needs kids, haha.

glad your daughter is seeing a counselor, hopefully things will start looking up for her soon.

can relate to stress about christmas parties, am exactly in the same spot. i've decided that if you decide to go, you don't have to be anything else but yourself. even though your husband is in a high position in the company, it doesn't say anything about you as a person or your personality. nothing wrong with being shy - and sometimes people can sense if you're feeling awkward, and will try to approach.


twilight

[sadly_me]

wow sounds like you are doing really good handling the situation!!! probably doesn't feel that way being in the middle of it all, but looks like you have a great handle on things. i know looks can be deceiving...but ya looking good!

i googled special ed teachers and mentors... came across a ppt presentation with a list of online mentoring programs - may be worth looking into... sometimes counseling i think helps with the overall how to handle stress, but a mentor...someone who's been in the trenches - may be able to give practical advice...

www.inspiringteachers.com
www.teachers.net
www.teachersfirst.com/sped/prof/index.html
www.tr.wou.edu/rrp/index.htm

maybe one or two of these can offer help. at least maybe it'll be something you can give your daughter to show her you understand she's going through a tough time professionally, that you understand - in general - she's chosen a very challenging career path (and i'm sure you are proud of her!) and it will empower her to do a little digging on her own for some assistance...??? maybe??? good luck

[sadly_me]

oh yea... sorry can't help you with the party problem...

unless you want to crawl under the table with the punch bowl...that's where i'll be

[notz]

I have those party problems but not as often as I used to. I am more comfortable in my own skin than I used to be! Lacking any good suggestions, I will share this story in hopes that I at least get you to laugh!

My first year in recovery (from drugs & alcohol) wasn't quite over and my spouse won a prestigious company award. An all expense paid trip to join other winners at a lovely resort for 7 days and 6 nights! It was lovely, every moment had been planned and no expense spared.

I knew in advance that the last night would be a black tie, formal dinner affair. Well, I'm not a glamour girl. I'd rather shovel manure than listen to it! I've never had a manicure nor pedicure in my life and consider it a waste on my pitiful nails. All this is to say I was in a gut wrenching tiZZy about what to wear for that night. Plus, I would not be drinking any alcohol which used to be my "social lubricant". So, I was stressed, do you hear me? Stressed!

After a wonderful week that night rolled around. I told myself I was going to go with the flow, stay in the moment and allow it to be what it was going to be. Ya know, all that stuff plus I knew, I could leave if I wanted/had to.

It wasn't anything like I had feared! I noticed so much--colors, textures, sounds, and people--things that hadn't/couldn't register on my alcoholic/pickled brain in years! I can't even begin to tell it all!

The waiters wore white gloves and I was just wide-eyed by the number of forks, number of courses and all the silver! We sat at a table where no one knew each other. I almost couldn't breathe from fear. But I mustered up some personal muscle and I turned my glasses upside down to signal that I wouldn't be having any wine or champagne and began the conversation! Me, I broke the ice and conversation flowed for all. That was big for this low esteem, mostly shy person. Just huge.

But back to what to wear, I drove the people in my A.A. group in circles about what to wear. I was afraid to go shopping because I'm not at all comfortable buying fancy clothes. Just the thought of the pretty sales help ladies helping me was beyond my level of comfort. Back then, I was convinced they were making some judgment about me! Crazy!

I ended up having a wonderful evening. Nothing bothered me! It couldn't--I was wearing a friend's dress! He was one of the people in my A.A. group. He took me aside after a meeting and said, "Honey, I've got a cocktail dress that'll fit you, all you have to do is take care of your shoes." So that's what I did. I wore a drag queen's dress to this la-di-dah event and if I felt the least bit shaky I remembered to think what my friend, Michael told me; "They can't touch you sweetie, you're wearing a drag queen's dress, which makes you stronger than them and downright bullet proof!" And I think he was right!

I don't know if you can get a dress like I did, the way I did! But what if you print this and take it with you, it might make you strong and bullet proof too! If nothing else, just know that we all travel with you wherever you go!

notz

[multipixie9]

(((sannah))) (((iamtwilight))) thank you for your support!!

(((sadlyme))) thanks for those links, i will be sure sarah sees them and knows their worth. loved the comment about crawling under the table with the punch bowl!!! (too bad i don't drink, but i will take my anxiety med and bless the manufacturer!!!)

(((notz))) I LOVED YOUR EXPERIENCE!!! thank you for sharing it. the dress you borrowed tickled me silly. i would have gotten a kick out of wearing it and imagining their faces if i told them!!! LOL =) i TOTALLY relate to your take on ritzy affairs. i am a "peasant" and proud of it. the only kind of snob i will ever be is a reverse-snob. i am very proud of all you learned from this and how you saw the added dimensions of the experience. i may take you up on printing it and carry it like a shield. the funny part is that this year for the first time ever it is casual dress and i've gained weight from emotional eating recently and even my casusal stuff is awkward. but i will get through it one way or another!

HUGS TO YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND EXPERIENCE IN THE TRENCHES!!! TO ALL!!!

[genn]

Hi Muilt

I'm a health yeacher. I was in your daugther position, BUT it was harder because I went USA no English speaker. I had my professional degree wich
help me to get my job as a health teacher. I went into a deep depression.

I taugth 1st to 8th grader from public school system at chgo. No parents support me as you daughter has.

The way that I cope was, telling myself that I was the one to decide been a teacher, that this is not the only carrer, and that I have to keep going on."Is not fair for you to take your daugther fear and feed yours.

You need to make a difference between who are you protecting , her
oh your feeling of guilt beacuse you feel you don't have the power to protect her. If we become codependant we can't help anyone.

It is important for you to have the power to separte your feeling and the ones that belongs to her. Don't take yours and hers. Let her tell you how she feel and let her decided. Let her take charge of her life and even fell and hurt herself. I know sounds terrible, but sometimes our kids think that we have to take cares of their worries and make them ours.

I have in many,many times let my daugther felt and she stand up, and learnd from that, even thouhg I'm close to her to support her, but not to make her dessicion.

Hope this cann help you. YOU ARE VERY IMPORTANTPERSON, JUST TEACH AND BE CLOSE NOT IN HER POSITION JUST WATCHING HER GROWING

GENNOAH

Originally Posted by multipixie9

my daughter has been needing huge amounts of support. she is kinda falling apart in her job as special ed teacher(1st year). she has crying jags, panic attacks, depression and has never been quite this way before. i've sent her to my t for some short term help. but i want to run away from her because i feel like she's drowning and pulling me under with her. i hate feeling that way about my daughter. my mom never was able to be there for me very well and i don't want to be like her, but i am feeling panicked myself when she calls and i feel angry. then i feel selfish for feeling bad about my daughter. i want to dig a hole, crawl in and pull the top over me and hide. i am so sick of being so darn reactive to life. grrr. why can't i just be able to detach and help without feeling her feelings so strongly that i think i'm gonna suffocate? i am angry with me. i need a local support group.

2 christmas parties coming up and i'd rather do almost anything else but go to parties. they make me feel horrible and i hate that about me. i lead a quiet life and just don't have a bunch of small talk to use to pass the time. i wish i could not feel this way. it sounds so pathetic to whine over having to go to parties, but it really makes me suffer. grr.