[multipixie9]

we are alone. phil goes to the church staff party tonight, without us, by our choice. he is a superstar in his church. i do not have a place there anymore, because i ran out of performance energy and no one cared enough to come and ask "what happened"? "where did you go and why"?

this is not the first time i've felt outcast. the grimness of my history, the many problems i've had mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually guarantee me labels: needy. unstable. prone to problems and illness. might tell you more than you want to know. someone who makes people feel uncomfortable.

pointing fingers, assigning blame won't ease this ache of loneliness inside of me. bottom line: i just wish i felt welcome somewhere without having to pretend i am ok when i am not ok. i am a leper, some shun me like i am contagious. others act like i am doing this for attention. i admit to desperate longing for community, but i would prefer attention for anything else besides having been broken before i was able to speak. the proverb that says, "as the twig is bent, so grows the tree" is very true. those who abused me twisted my life into something painfully ugly. i just wish God would help me heal my life and get me off the sick list / prayer list.

when we go to holiday parties or events, i look quiet and try to smile pleasantly and be social, while i feel tormented inside by things i could never (would never) say: memories, physical feelings, attacks of anxiety, sadness and fear, whispers from old evil voices, the clamor from my child alts who all want to comment, bicker, choose our food(all dessert, no salad) while at least one is crying and begging to go home,the teen wants to check out the alcohol, several others have severe tension headaches but know we "can't tell anyone and be the party pooper"! so one alt is urging us to abuse our meds "just to get thru it". when we can finally leave, my husband drives home in silence and we get home, change to something more comfortable and turn on the tv, he picks up his latest crossword puzzle, i pick up a book and pretend to read while i do damage control and try to get my system back into status quo. my husband will never know what it cost me to endure this annual event, he will not thank me for trying hard to honor him in front of his co-workers. in 30 minutes or less he will be snoring in his chair and i will be where i always am. i am alone. we are alone.

i realize that i am responsible for my own life and feelings, but i am experiencing a lot of emotional pain from my spouse's refusal to accept that i am a multiple. that refusal has cut off most of our communication and i do not know how to get around it. we do love each other but there is wall between us that i can't break through. i am willing to learn how to live around this issue, i just do not know how to do this yet. holidays were rougher than regular days while i was growing up. that's true of many of us. i actually do better now than before. it would be fun to have a holiday that was just pleasant with no big struggles inside me that no one else sees. i feel kinda like some sort of a bah humbug person and that is not who i really am, i just get so tired of the struggle.

sorry, this went really long. i just needed to say it where i know people understand. thank you. i will be praying for us all during the holiday season.

leslie and her pixies

[Sannah]

Leslie, I am sorry......

[Fuzzybear]

[nowheretorun]

((pixie)) one way i have discovered to reach through our pain and the walls that separate us from those we love is the factor of personal safety...

when i choose to be safest to myself, i quickly realize that safety is a shared concern between myself and all... by emphasizing safety for myself i can attune others into the ideas regarding safety... safety includes a safe place to be ourself where we can feel accepted by what surrounds us... you may be able to find a quiet, safe pace in your mind and emotions, a place where you think your thoughts and then, coming into a clearer understanding for yourself, express safety (personal and other) issues with those who share your life... safety is a connecting factor we each can turn to, and safety concerns for self and others create bonds that are healthiest for us...

so, if you want it, my advice is to think of your own safety first, become safe in your own place and then draw others into your safety area carefully, with the love and consideration you often express and share with us... sending kind healing hopes for you always..

[notz]

((((((multipixie))))))

notz

[multipixie9]

thank you, Sannah and Fuzzybear, i appreciate your kindness. i had written a nice email to him seeking to open up an talk with him. the results were cold and hostile. he brought up past issues he hasn't been able to forgive or get past - in spite of the 12 step principles insistence on forgiving and on making our amends. he seeks to punish me for my failures in our marriage. right now, nothing i do can please him or be acceptable to him. so i am going to let him have his feelings and i choose to forgive him for being stuck in the past. i've certainly been stuck in my past often enough that i can't judge him for a walk down the bad side of our past. thanks for your friendship.

leslie and pixies ----> all our pc friends (and that doesn't stand for "politically correct") =) hehehe

[multipixie9]

dear nowheretorun,

you have expressed some ideas i've never heard verbalized before. i'm not totally sure i really "get" what you are saying, except i certainly can see finding a place inside myself to stay safe and calmer and protect myself in this place. i never thought i could draw anyone into there with me, especially someone feeling cold or hostile toward me. i do understand the incredible power of forgiveness. it still amazes me that forgiving someone can actually set me and then sometimes even set them free (not always).

i feel very hurt by my spouse's attitude and frustrated by his continuing to take some parts of the past to use as weapons in the now. things a person does that really bother me are almost always things i TOO am doing. so i need to spend some time praying to be enabled to see where i may be doing exactly what is bumming me out with my spouse! i have to smile when i remember how my jaw literally dropped the first time i realized that the things that anger me the most in other people are negative traits i too possess, often in abundance! right now i am very annoyed that my guys is using things i said 15 years ago like i am still doing the exact same thing AND i often get stuck in my past abuse history and let it affect the way i choose for and live my life. i let past pain and fear control me when it has been over 25 years since my last episode of sexual violence. so i MUST forgive phil for using my past words against me. he is just getting stuck and needs help "getting past his past".

i'm going to need to re-read your words a few more times and make sure i actually understand what you are saying. thank you for your contribution!

leslie and pixies----> you!

[multipixie9]

(((Notz))) thanks and hugs!!!

[Sannah]

[lifelesstraveled]

Im sorry multi...I don't have any words of wisdom or advice just

[nowheretorun]

(((pixie/leslie)))) what i meant is that if we can use our ability to visualize the safe area, it is a memory we can return to, similar to other memories... when you feel threatened you can imagine yourself in that safe place and it might give you the extra few moments you need to re-center....

drawing others into that space requires sensitive consideration from the others side... if they cannot accept your inner need to feel safe where you are, are they your friend?

[multipixie9]

lifelesstraveled, thanks for the group hug. it came right when i needed it tonight. never underestimate the power of a simple gift. Hugs to you too!

nowheretorun, thank you for amplifying what you meant. now i think i understand and i need to give some thought to that. i am not used to visualizing that way. but i could use a safe place right now. Hugs!

leslie

Here you go.

[sadly_me]

i'm sorry you are having such a difficult time right now!

i really do hope you feel better soon!!!