Don't read if not in a good place...

why does it always seem to come on days when you think you are getting through to something meaningful and then it all goes to hell in a handbasket? i'm so mad at our mom that i want nothing further to do with her. she thinks that looks are everything, and we just have had it with her sanctimonious diatribes. who the hell does she think she is, trying to impose on our daughter something that she doesn't think we are? the mom has ALWAYS been super-critical about our looks...our hair is too thin so why don't we wear a wig, our body is too fat so why don't we go on a diet, we have teeth missing so why don't we get our mouth fixed SO OUR DAUGHTER WON'T BE EMBARRASSED BY OUR LOOKS, and on and on and on. we have had enough of her. long ago she and dad adopted us, but within the first 5 years had shown us an ugly side and that is why we came in the first place--to protect the host from her physical and emotional/psychological abuse. keeping us in a confined area for literally HOURs at a time, never playing with us, never showing us kindness, but always showing her temper and her displeasure. promises to do better through the years always proved to be just empty words, and at the tender age of 14 told us that if we got pregnant, she would disown us in a heartbeat and would have no further contact with us. Then she accused us of trying to break up their marriage when we were 15, even though she was warped beyond reason, taking drugs and then throwing us into the state hospital because we were "uncontrollable". **** HER. then when we got out, we weren't about to take the pills that were prescribed, because we weren't crazy, and we hated the way it made some of us feel. so she decided that she was going to take them...talk about a sick *****. now she accuses us of not loving her because we don't go to see her more often...but she lives 3 hours away in a different state, and we don't have a car, and taking the bus is too difficult for us. she accuses us of not loving her, but that isn't it. we love her, we just don't like her. and so we told her so today. she tried the guilt trip on us and it didn't work, so she just hung up on us. well, that is it. we are done with her. for good. if that is how she is going to treat us, we don't need the ****ing abuse any more. she is such a hypocrite, saying one thing in private and then pretending to care when she is around others. big whoop there. and by now we are certain she has told everyone in the family just how awful we have been to her today. she needs to get a life. one thing is for certain. we won't be seeing her anytime soon, or talking to her anytime soon. right now we don't even care if she dies. we won't be there. we won't subject our host to that kind of guilt and fear. i'm pissed that she tried throwing bible verses at us as if that was going to make us conform to her standards of how we should act toward her. she wants to alienate us from her, that is fine. we don't need her pittance of being in her will. let her give it all to her son. she can't say enough about the fact that we don't talk to him enough either. how we got into that kind of abuse i will never figure out. don't even want to know. right now we are trying like hell to keep the host from taking a whole bunch of pills, and going into the hospital. we don't think she would come out if she went in. it would be the end for her. so, think about us as we struggle to come to grips with the fact that we have a ***** who won't leave us alone, but who because of her insecurities has to subject us to them also. LEAH

((((((((((((((Leah))))))))))) I am so sorry things are hard right now. I think it's wonderful that you stood up for yourself and are taking care of self/ves. Good job on that.

(((((((((((((((leah)))))))))))))))))))))))
couldn't read, but wanting to give support anyway!

leah,

i'm so sad that you have had to go through so much emotional manipulation and abuse. the holidays are often painful for people like somehow it just pulls out all the ugliness in some people instead of the beauty the media suggests we should all feel.

you all deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are and i HATE that she would ruin the beauty and wisdom of the Bible by using it to manipulate or bash you. that is so wrong on so many levels!!!!!!!!!! i found God to be the first one who ever loved me in good, healthy, clean ways. he kept me alive.

i am writing just to say, that i hear you and i can sympathize. my mom was one of the top two most damaging abusers in my childhood. a mom is such an important person to a child. we need their love, support and training - not just criticism and tearing down.

i wish i had some special healing words that would make it better and all i can say is i understand and i do believe that things can and will improve. you are doing well to protect your host. if she gets serious call 911 or whatever you need to keep her safe for all of your sakes.

by the way, i have a leah too, like you she is strong and has been a spunky and helpful alt. hugs if you accept them

leslie/leah and the pixies

((((((((((((((((((((((Leah)))))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry you are struggling so much right now. Please try and stay safe.

BB

Thank you EVERYONE for your kind words. I am grateful for them. Being the angriest alter Yahna has, I find myself in a dilemma often, because of the continued abuse of people who SAY they love us but really don't. I don't like being out and aware of people, because sometimes I get so angry that I lash out, trying to protect, and do damage. It is not the norm, but self-harm is sometimes better. Feeling the pain is knowing that we are still alive, however fragile that may be. Crys says I need to find healthier alternatives because I may go too far someday. But I have never subjected us to that kind of fear, and don't think I ever could. I know, never say never, but that is how I operate. Kind of warped, but hey, it has served us well all these years. And saying thanks is really difficult for me. Not that I want it to be known that I am soft, but only because of the safe place I find myself in to let out what is inside. LEAH

I don't know if the mother is stupid, or just not listening, but she still thinks we are going there for Christmas. I blew up at her the other day, because she was playing the victim role so well, and told her that she only wanted to pay for our teeth because it was HER that was embarrassed, not Myriam. She tried telling us that Myriam was embarrassed about my teeth, and I really ripped into her about that. Myriam accepts us as we are, loves us for us, not for what we look like, and then she tried throwing scripture...well...I told you that part...then we get a check in the mail for the bus tickets anyway...is she dense? Did she tune out when we said the buses were full and we couldn't get a ride on one? What the **** is the matter with her? Doesn't she get it at all??? What a ***** she is. Doesn't regard any of us as worthy of her love and affection. She has very conditional love. Very. And she blamed us for all the problems she was having with dad when we were teens, and almost got a divorce. She blamed US for the divorce thinking. Since when is a child the fault of getting a divorce? And then she said, as if we were just trash, if you get pregnant I WILL disown you. Now, I may be crazy, and I AM a *****, but she adopted us, and then was the #1 abuser. How is that supposed to be love??? She can give all our money over to our brother and his family. I don't need it, don't want it, and am better off without her in our life. All she does is continually slap us with condemnation and guilt. We just will never be good enough for her. She never should have adopted us, and we feel that she would have been better of not adopting at ALL. She already had one natural son. She should have been content with that. She treated him way better than she ever treated us. Gave him things, took him places that they said were going to take us, but they never did. Ever. I need to go. The call is strong. F*** her and what she did to us.

LEAH

BEEN TRYING TO PM YOU ALL DAY BUT ITS SAYING THAT CANT ACCEPT PM'S........CAN YOU LOOK IN THE PROFILE AND SEE...WOULD REALLY LIKE TO TALK WITH YOU AGAIN
HOPE YOU ARE SAFE HUNNY
DONNAxx

((((((((((((JewelsofEagles))))))))))))))))))

Sorry that you are in such a painful place right now.......know that you are not alone with this and we are here if and when you need to talk
Been trying to pm you all day but it will not go through .....do you have it set not to recieve pm's or do you not want to recieve them

Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers

Mandy and allxx

((((((((((((((((((((Leah)))))))))))))))))))))

bead is sorry that you have, and still are suffering so much.

you are in beads prayers, and her is send you blessings and peacful,
hopeful thoughts your way.

please stay safe

safe hugs if you want them
pm if you need to

marsidotz