[Poohbear13]

I am not sure if this is appropriate to share but I need feedback so here it goes..............

Over the last several weeks life has been getting more and more difficult to deal with. My depression, anxiety, and dissociation have been getting worse. First off I am working with 2 new therapist that are working together to help me. My parts are getting to know them and it has not been easy. My parts have been coming out and taking over. I recently found out that I have a part that I did not know about and when he is out it is just like living my abuse all over again. As you can image this brings more triggers and the cycle of triggers and dissociation starts.

Another part, Toni, is a 16 yo female who loves to hook up with men. I have been working exceptationally hard to keep her from hook up with anyone. I don't have internet access at home so she can't hook up with anyone on the internet. Instead I come to the public library with my computer and do what I need to do here. I have found myself in places that I don't have any idea how I got there. Toni has been driving me around town and I become aware of it before she does something stupid. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. Tomorrow she is going to meet one of the new therapist and he is male. I am scare to see what she does. I am really afraid she is going to hit on him and I will get embarassed and not sure if I can see him again if this happens.

Another part is a 6 yo who doesn't talk. She just comes out and cries or I feel overwhelming feelings of fear and anxiety from her. My therapist had me make a mandela last week and asked that I use it to keep all of them to contained.

I am just feeling out of control and my depression increases when I feel out of control. I am currently taking ECT treatments for my depression because drugs have not worked in the past. I am currently getting ECT every other week. I am about to contact my pdoc to see if we can increase them to weekly because I can't seem to get myself out of bed to do things. I really push myself and find I have no will power anymore. All I want to do is stay in bed or check my messages and go home to bed.

I hope I am making some kind of sense because it is not making sense to me. I feel crazy and out of sorts. I definitely don't feel human or like myself. Am i going crazy?

[JudeeB]

You sound overwhelmed and scared. But what I'm reading is all good stuff. It's vital that your others connect with your Ts. Your therapists can help them, yes, all of them. Your therapists will understand if an alter acts out, they know it isn't you. They know what the behaviors mean and how to handle them. It will be OK. If they don't come out they don't find healing.

It can feel scary and I remember how I felt so out of control but it really is part of the process. Everything you described is part of the healing!!! Feeling so confused it may be hard to see it but as a fellow DIDer whose been through all of this, I tell ya, it's all good! It may be chaotic for a while but with good therapists and your willingness to trust the process you are on your way to healing and peace. Took me ten years or so but now I live with my four remaining alters in harmony and free of the chaos. It is possible. Take it one day at a time, some days will be harder than others but you are on the right path!

hugs,
Judy and Company

[pegasus]

No, you are not going crazy. Considering the trauma you have been through it is understandable.

Be gentle with all of you, sounds like you are doing all you can. Share with your T's as much as you can.

(((((((( Poohbear )))))))))

[turquoisesea]

First, I wanted to say what you shared is plenty appropriate

sounds like things have been pretty crazy on your end, I'm sorry that I dont have much advice, but one thing,

about the 6 year old. Has there been any way to figure out why she has been crying? Maybe you could set up something where you live so that if the 6 yo comes out, there are games to play, like coloring... something, maybe something you liked to do when you were 6. That way there's a chance the she will see the "toy" and maybe get distracted with it

If you can talk to her, keep saying she's safe, maybe tell her she can play games... anything to make her feel secure.

For the depression (I have major depressive disorder).. get yourself out whenever however you can, try to fight it, that horrible cycle. Know its hard.

sending loads of hugs

[Poohbear13]

Originally Posted by JudeeB

You sound overwhelmed and scared. But what I'm reading is all good stuff. It's vital that your others connect with your Ts. Your therapists can help them, yes, all of them. Your therapists will understand if an alter acts out, they know it isn't you. They know what the behaviors mean and how to handle them. It will be OK. If they don't come out they don't find healing.

It can feel scary and I remember how I felt so out of control but it really is part of the process. Everything you described is part of the healing!!! Feeling so confused it may be hard to see it but as a fellow DIDer whose been through all of this, I tell ya, it's all good! It may be chaotic for a while but with good therapists and your willingness to trust the process you are on your way to healing and peace. Took me ten years or so but now I live with my four remaining alters in harmony and free of the chaos. It is possible. Take it one day at a time, some days will be harder than others but you are on the right path!

hugs,
Judy and Company

Judy:

It maybe part of the process but it is still very chaotic and scary. Thanks for the encouragement and the advise.

[multipixie9]

i know you feel afraid, poohbear, i did too and i felt angry and invaded when my alters began to express their needs to do things i did not want them to do. i wanted them to "get healed and hurry up and integrate". that 'charming' attitude got me all kinds of resistance, fear, anger, distress, depression and sheer cussedness from different parts. i have not had a lot of support from my spouse and so i was always worried about "them" coming out and "getting me in trouble".

when i began to understand my alters some and realize they had needs like mine and that my attitude was causing them distress and making the whole process not work well in therapy.... then i began to adjust my attitudes and expectations and i am now their advocate and voice and i care about them and their needs. as they see me care there has been less stress and more communication and cooperation.

as i understood more i feared less and resented less. it was a progressive experience and still is. i am having some long hoped for experiences like finally getting a part of my original system out front that had been hidden for over 40 years. it has been worth the work, worry and learning curve.

i know how tough it is on you but it will get better and the things written before my post are things i've found to be true also. i hope you can find some patience for your parts and yourself, it would really help you all. hang in there, pooh!

leslie and her pixies

[fluttterby]

Poohbear,

I know I'm new to the boards and folks don't know or trust me yet. That will take time to develop. But I would like to share my thoughts and opinions regarding what you shared.

I too have DID. I relate to the seemingly nonstop depression and chaos--feeling out of control and unable to function. I am so thankful we have gotten past that stage in our recovery. As you and your others work through the memories and trauma, the depression does improve. So I want to encourage you to hang in there. There is hope.

Regarding ETC, and this is my opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest...I really don't recommend ETC. I had a pdoc that wanted us to go through it. I'm so thankful I did not agree to the treatments. Actually we had an advocate that fought on my/our behalf against the treatments. This fellow, who is also a therapist and worked with many DID folk and whose wife also had DID, worked with clients that had ETC treatments and the results were not good. I have spoken with others who lost chunks of memory and had other long-term problems. I know ETC is purported to be safe and effective, but I have heard contrary claims by others wishing it had never been done. It may be beneficial for some.

I don't know your situation, and this is obviously a decision between you and your healthcare professionals, but IMHO it is better to find the source of the depression rather than trying to shock treat it away. It's possible you may have parts that are carrying depression for very specific reasons. If this is the case, then no medication or ETC treatment will resolve the core reason for the depression--at least not until it is addressed.

After refusing the ETC we were then heavily medicated. Despite being on six different psychotropic drugs, which included two antidepressants and an antipsychotic, I still did not get any relief from the depression. I later discovered that my others were pushing the drugs out of my system. (Yes, this is possible!) They wanted nothing to do with mind altering medications (similar type drugs were associated with past abuse). That, and due to the complexities of DID, it's extremely difficult to treat all the symptoms with medications. Also, as more was learned about the disorder, mental health professionals realized medications usually were not affective in managing symptoms associated with DID.

I also relate and understand the cyclical triggering. Something I found helpful was making a list of all the triggers, what causes them to become triggered, and then write out a plan on how to handle the triggers. It also helped to get my others involved in identifying and implementing the various coping strategies. Obviously half the battle is learning how to get system cooperation. I started by attempting to communicate with my others through the use of a journal--writing notes back and forth to everyone. Eventually as the doors of communication opened and trauma had been worked through, we became co-conscious and a working relationship amongst my others developed. It also helped when we got off all medication. My system wasn't fighting against me or all those drugs anymore. It has been 15 years since the medications were stopped, and I do not get those dark ongoing episodic bouts of depression either.

You mentioned concerns about a flirtatious part. If you have a good T(therapist) who is skilled in treating DID, I wouldn't worry too much. It's common to see flirtatious, promiscuous parts in systems. I had one too. A good T will be able to set appropriate healthy boundaries. If you get some system cooperation, you can have some of your others help curtail that part's activities too. Don't do it as a means of punishment however. Otherwise that part may act out in rebellion. It can be a delicate balancing act! LOL

There is so much I could share. I don't want to overwhelm you with a lot of information though, especially since you don't even know me.

You are in my thoughts.

Take care.

flutterby

[Crew]

Poohbear,

Were sending you guy's lots of hugstimes 1000! You ARE doing great work and like the others said your people are coming out choosing to try to figure out. You have been given some great ideas that I can't seem to add anything great. Just know you guys are in our thoughts and were thinking and hoping the best for ya!

[Poohbear13]

Flutterby:

You have given me a lot to think about and I really appreciate your advise. I will take what I need and leave the rest. Thank you for your input and thoughts.

Pooh

when our little willow (5 going on six she says) first presented, she hid under her blanket, sucked her thumb in between sobs and was terrified of everything. our T worked with her to find out what she was so terrified of and had to open cubboards and closets in her office, look under the sofa, the desk and behind the chair. my H worked with her outside. bought crayons, coloring books, play doh, and a stuffie.

it took time but she stopped hiding, and began to talk.

she is awesome. a chatterbox and a story teller. she has such creativity and is so cute. she still sometimes get scared and sometimes will wake from an afternoon nap confused and wonder what's going on. H has a good relationship with her.

we have Vicki inside who takes care of the littles and protects them and helps them feel safe.

it takes work with the little ones. but it is well worth the work.
wi

[Jewels]

dear poohbear...
firsta all, u aint goin crazy...an u seem ta know bout ur parts bettrn a lotta othrs do...i know mosta our parts but yahna doesnt wanna know...she tries her best ta keep us in but it just dont work...cuz we all needta b heard an helpd...i know she is just scard bout whats happenin ta her...

we tried ECT too but found that it triggerd more an more of the lilest of our insidrs...an the depression worsend steada gettin bettr...please please please see if u cn find a way ta listn more to ur alters an see if bein off many meds will make a difference...we were finally takn off all but two meds an now there is not the debilitatin depression we once had...sure there is depression cuz its a sad business ta hear all the stories an go through the retellin...but while it seems like the depression is overwhelmin...a lotta that is overwhelmin in an of itself cuzza what we went through...an the depression will take on a different kinda feelin...besides which its difficult ta treat everybody inside an what may work for one wont work for the rest...so its kinda futile ta take vast amounts of meds just ta keep us quiet...is bettr ta just let us retell, find closure, an learn that our stories r just as important as everybody elses...we dont lean toward the I word, but we can an sometimes do work toward cooperation with our host...for us is the bettr of both worlds...we keep her safe an we cn lend her our strength when our stories get the bettr of her...

but in the end its what makes evrybody inside an out more comfortable...sometimes we dont have the strength ta go on, but we oftn cn find the strength from someone inside...an thats enough til the rest of us gain our strength back...an it goes back an forth like that for a long time...at least for us it does...cuz we r a work in progress...an wanna let yahna know that she will always b safe, evn when we r out...an that is what right now is takin the longest...helpin her see we rnt all scary an bad like she thought...an we cn give her strength ta carry on...

donno if this helpd it is just our take on ECT an what we went through afterwards...we r far bettr than aftr our ECT cuz we started ta work with each othr an yahna rather than against evrybody an yahna too...

abbi of jewels

[fluttterby]

You are welcome, poohbear. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I don't mind. I have been through a lot personally, plus I have learned a lot from others and from my own experiences.

[Poohbear13]

Originally Posted by Jewels

dear poohbear...
firsta all, u aint goin crazy...an u seem ta know bout ur parts bettrn a lotta othrs do...i know mosta our parts but yahna doesnt wanna know...she tries her best ta keep us in but it just dont work...cuz we all needta b heard an helpd...i know she is just scard bout whats happenin ta her...

we tried ECT too but found that it triggerd more an more of the lilest of our insidrs...an the depression worsend steada gettin bettr...please please please see if u cn find a way ta listn more to ur alters an see if bein off many meds will make a difference...we were finally takn off all but two meds an now there is not the debilitatin depression we once had...sure there is depression cuz its a sad business ta hear all the stories an go through the retellin...but while it seems like the depression is overwhelmin...a lotta that is overwhelmin in an of itself cuzza what we went through...an the depression will take on a different kinda feelin...besides which its difficult ta treat everybody inside an what may work for one wont work for the rest...so its kinda futile ta take vast amounts of meds just ta keep us quiet...is bettr ta just let us retell, find closure, an learn that our stories r just as important as everybody elses...we dont lean toward the I word, but we can an sometimes do work toward cooperation with our host...for us is the bettr of both worlds...we keep her safe an we cn lend her our strength when our stories get the bettr of her...

but in the end its what makes evrybody inside an out more comfortable...sometimes we dont have the strength ta go on, but we oftn cn find the strength from someone inside...an thats enough til the rest of us gain our strength back...an it goes back an forth like that for a long time...at least for us it does...cuz we r a work in progress...an wanna let yahna know that she will always b safe, evn when we r out...an that is what right now is takin the longest...helpin her see we rnt all scary an bad like she thought...an we cn give her strength ta carry on...

donno if this helpd it is just our take on ECT an what we went through afterwards...we r far bettr than aftr our ECT cuz we started ta work with each othr an yahna rather than against evrybody an yahna too...

abbi of jewels

Jewels~

I don't know if my parts will ever cooperate with each other. I am not even sure some of them know that some of them exist. I am discoverying in therapy that I have more parts than I orginally thought and this has me very concerned. My therapist found another one yesterday and it really freaked me out. I just can't help but wonder just how many are there. Were things really that bad during the abuse? Could I have created some to just get through my early adult years? I am so confused and scared that I don't know what to do. I just feel like I am going crazy. I am becoming more and more aware of voices that I have never heard before. I feel like my world is changing and not for the good.

Pooh

[turquoisesea]

one thing to keep in mind... is that even though they have different identities, they are a part of you, created by you. they have YOU in common, so I really do think they can learn to work together, for what it's worth.
Not easy. Possible.
I'm glad you're finding other parts, even though it's scary. Remember that it's better to find them than to have them keep hiding

[genn]

((((((((((((((((poohbear))))))))))

I know how hard is to be on your situation hun. I am on it all day.
I have problems getting connect to my alters,so I end been in another places, doing things that make me feel embarrast, or just sayings thing that got myself in trouble .

I am also receving therapy tryng to overcome all of this. Do not give up hun. The important thing is that you are working on it. Hope everything will get better . Let me know how we can help.

tc hun
genn

Originally Posted by Poohbear13

I am not sure if this is appropriate to share but I need feedback so here it goes..............

Over the last several weeks life has been getting more and more difficult to deal with. My depression, anxiety, and dissociation have been getting worse. First off I am working with 2 new therapist that are working together to help me. My parts are getting to know them and it has not been easy. My parts have been coming out and taking over. I recently found out that I have a part that I did not know about and when he is out it is just like living my abuse all over again. As you can image this brings more triggers and the cycle of triggers and dissociation starts.

Another part, Toni, is a 16 yo female who loves to hook up with men. I have been working exceptationally hard to keep her from hook up with anyone. I don't have internet access at home so she can't hook up with anyone on the internet. Instead I come to the public library with my computer and do what I need to do here. I have found myself in places that I don't have any idea how I got there. Toni has been driving me around town and I become aware of it before she does something stupid. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. Tomorrow she is going to meet one of the new therapist and he is male. I am scare to see what she does. I am really afraid she is going to hit on him and I will get embarassed and not sure if I can see him again if this happens.

Another part is a 6 yo who doesn't talk. She just comes out and cries or I feel overwhelming feelings of fear and anxiety from her. My therapist had me make a mandela last week and asked that I use it to keep all of them to contained.

I am just feeling out of control and my depression increases when I feel out of control. I am currently taking ECT treatments for my depression because drugs have not worked in the past. I am currently getting ECT every other week. I am about to contact my pdoc to see if we can increase them to weekly because I can't seem to get myself out of bed to do things. I really push myself and find I have no will power anymore. All I want to do is stay in bed or check my messages and go home to bed.

I hope I am making some kind of sense because it is not making sense to me. I feel crazy and out of sorts. I definitely don't feel human or like myself. Am i going crazy?