[multipixie9]

after months of almost compulsive time online here and in email something flipped a switch in my head and now i can't stand to be online. this is one element of being d.i.d. that bugs the crap out of me. i spent up to 20 hours at a time and only slept when my body demanded it, which is not every day and then boom just quit.

i am putting this out here to tell the folks i had communicated with that it is not an intentional slight or rejection. in fact, i do not know what it is except perhaps my annoyance with myself for not doing enough real life. i am winding up tight inside, i need direction, i need some kind of structure and i can't give it to myself. yea d.i.d.

i care about you guys and i will be back when i can. see ya.

leslie and her pixies

[Hunny]

Multipixie, although I haven't been here on PC long, I sure can relate to the unpredictableness of this disorder. But, more important to keep true to you.

Writes like you'll get some needs met and implement some more structure while away.

Looking forward to hearing of your progress.

[Rasta Rascal]

Hi multipixie…

Although I don’t know you, I have enjoyed reading your posts and will miss seeing you around the forum.

Do what’s best for you and, in so doing, I hope you will find the direction and structure you need.

Take care of you!

RR

[turquoisesea]

I more than understand. I've done that myself. It's good to reach out into rl, I'm glad that you are. I still hope to hear from you, now and again, but I really am GLAD that you are getting out there.
sorry it's from frustration though

wishing you well
~turquoisesea

[iamtwilight]

yeah, tell me about it :P

but we will wait for you here, sooner or later.

thanks for letting us know!

- twilite

[multipixie9]

thanks for kind replies. I am scared because i feel i am spinning out of control. I have so many emotions at once i feel like my own personal tornado on a rampage and it feels dangerous.

i sure wish there was a 12 step program for being did!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i probably won't be as gone as i implied but the 20 hour marathons gotta quit. Too imbalanced even for me.

i care about the people here on pc.com, especially those of us who are did because in real life most of us are not able to be together for support.

but don't feel unloved if you responded and you're not did, i am also, depressed anxious, addictive, insomniac, eating disordered, have chronic pain and if there's anything else i hope i don't remember it...gee, my own life bums me out completely. Sorry for the pity party but i honestly can't help it today. If i could support myself i would run away from home.

calling my t later on...

love you all because you are good people, hugs,

leslie and her pixies

[possum220]

Dear Leslie and her wonderful pixies.

Its easy to let the computer take over real life. But who knows you may find some hidden talents? Things to explore and fun.

Take care hun

Possum

(((((pixies)))))
i hear you on too much computer time--trying to cut back myself.
trying to touch the real world---
know about the spinning emotions also.
writting helps
so does meditation, breathing and trying not to figure it out.
many emotions from many at once....going thru some of that
right now.

as for 12 steps for DID---the 12 steps can be applied. Have been
using them for myselves.

If you want to discuss the usage of them in DID situations, we will be
glad to do that.

Hugs and love
wi

[Sannah]

Leslie and Pixies, I have always known that when you don't come here and communicate that you are taking care of yourself and this is very good!

[Fuzzybear]

[Kendyll]

That's cool. You need to take care of you guys! Do what works, do what helps!

[multipixie9]

the past 4 months came to a frightening explosion today, an inevitable blowout of anger like i never remember being able to express.

day by day i've felt more and more paralyzed until this weekend, our 29th anniv. I just went numb, silent and non-functioning.

i had talked to god, prayed to god, begged god and finally today told him i hated him, me and my spouse with everything in me. I seriously thought something horrible could happen and made a frantic call to my t.

they got me in this afternoon. I wore solid black all over - which would be silly affectation except for the black rage spilling out of me. Something finally broke inside and i faced how helpless i was back then and how powerless i am now (2 diff. Things) it was a holy experience and a stronger part of my original self emerged from the rage. I asked god to name this part of me and he named her deborah after a courageous woman who lead israel when the guys couldn't get willing to do it.

god showed me that i am exactly who has wanted me to be "grit and all" there was more to it and i have a nasty bunch of programs to continue to undo and replace with truth. But today is something i am pretty sure i will date life by what was before and after this day. God knows me and cares about me and it was so liberating. It is impossible to recreate this experience for you in words. But i think you will "get" it.

i do appreciate every encouraging word on here. White-iris, i do not know if i will be able to immediately check in on 12-stepping for did, but i am intrigued and will hope to get back to it. Hugs to each and every one of you who wants one. You folks are awesome

deborah/leslie and the pixies

[Sannah]

Wow, Leslie and Pixies I am in awe of you and your healing .........

[iamtwilight]

what a beautiful experience, i'm so glad you got to experience it and got reassurance from god.