[turquoisesea]

Possibly triggering, as this part is violent.





I have a horrible part inside of me... it comes out does horrible things. First it mainly centered on hurting me (SI), it was first simply a voice inside and I did not think it could control the body. But it can and it has been very often now. Now it focuses attention on our boyfriend. It will smack him, yell curses at him, try to run somewhere to SI, even hit him in special places
Boyfriend is absolutely amazing
But I could never do that... how could I do that.

I can't help thinking, I made it, I am horrible, if I can make something that horrible, if I can BE something that horrible, what kind of person am I? I HATE IT, I hate myself... I can't control it but it's my fault

What do I do...?
I this me, I want to believe this is NOT my fault, but how is it not?

[Elysium]

First off....(((((Hugs))))) if you want them.

This sounds like a very difficult and scary thing for you and your BF to be going through right now. I am sorry you have to experience this.

I too have a part similar to this, however my others have found a way to keep him down and he is not allowed out. There are very strict rules around that!!

I don't know what I can say to help you, other than to offer support that you are not alone.

It is difficult, because even though we have these alters, we are all very aware that we need to be accountable for our actions. It sounds like you have a good understanding of this.

I don't know if this would be helpful for you, but is there a CODE word, or SAFE word that you and your BF can come up with that he can say if he is feeling threatened by this part, that maybe one of your other parts can work on taking responsibility for listening for? Then, if he says the word, that part can step in and buy you some time to calm that angry part, or allow you or your BF to remove yourselves from the situation for a while till things blow over. Just a thought. It would probably take some work.

Ask your T if they could help you work with your others to try and make this work.

Please hang in there. I can tell you are concerned and that is good. I would be more worried if you weren't concerned.

Remember, all these pieces are parts of you. They served a purpose to help you survive earlier in life...they did a good job. Now these parts need patience and re-training. This does not make you a bad person at all.

Please hang in there, and let us know how it's going for you.

P.S. Although it is easier said than done...hating this part of you is not going to make it any better. Someone elses inner hate is most likely what caused this piece of you to develope and continuing to hate it is only going to feed it. The only way to learn to work with this part is to LOVE it a little; to love yourself a lot. I know this can be a terribly difficult thing to do.

[Poohbear13]

i too have a part similar to yours. my part only hurts me and my dog (sometimes). i have to really watch out for him. we are working on being more cooperative with each other with our Ts. it is not easy work. there are times he comes out and wants to hurt but one of my other parts tells me when he is out.

i know how scary it is for you. i really don't have much else to say but i understand.

hugs if you want them.

[Behindthecouch]

I understand it is fairly common to have a "bad" part.. like the embodiment of both of memory and perpetrator.. Talking with T about ways to build internal communication can help - creating contracts for behaviour, safe spaces for other alters, and also places where "bad" parts can be confined if they cannot keep to contracts.. have you tried this? Doesn't always work all the time but it can help and can make you feel like you have a little more control.

[trevorzero]

Probably the essential thing to acknowledge is that everything that you experience is an aspect of your personality - there is nothing alien inside you - there is nothing foreign.

If you love any part of you then you must therefore love every part of you.
You are the totality - you are not a fraction.

The hurt that you can occasionally inflict is a demonstration of the sheer forcefulness of your personality - you have strength and boldness and cunning. These aspects of your nature can be put to a positive use, especially if you can learn to embrace them without self-loathing.

[Hunny]

Turquoisesea,

Take care

IS

[Malady156]

Know how you feel. don't have a T or anything so really cannot get a handle on the precise nature of things, whether living in a 24/7 dissociative trance expressed creatively at times or whether living with bona fide DID. But having recently become aware of its own deterioration, this one can sympathize with the idea of having a "bad" (dangerous, hurtful) alter. That must feel very scary to you, to be out of control like that and on top of it worried that others might see that as YOU doing "bad" things on purpose.

Your boyfriend sounds truly amazing indeed, to be willing to cope with all that. Certainly he loves you a lot! Take comfort in that. If you have a T maybe you can enlist him/her to help you work on making contracts with that 'part' for things s/he can do to de-escalate and/or seek help when 'forefront' and feeling hostile or unsafe?

Stay safe.