How do you take care of your insiders ..

Easter - husbands family is getting together for a dinner ..
each of these ppl trigger me and our defense rages out ..or the opposite .. the children get scared and hide /isolate ..
I was over at him moms with him yesterday ..cleaning..and having to hear family secret stories that i could hardly bear listening to ..so cleaned harder to get away from her .. then we had dinner and came home ..
some very ugly things came out ..even about my own sister that they are not related to (obviously) and i could feel the rage inside but said nothing back..went silent.
today she called and told me his strp mom wanted to know did she invite my sister and she said NO!!! in anger toward my sister .. then she called me and began yelling at me how she wanted to slap her down if she ever saw her again ..etc.. again the rage is there but not out.
now - after all the shopping and cards - gifts .. there is no way i want to go .. there is more to this story with every person that will be there but that is the jest of what is going on inside at this moment.
i told my husband i am not going .. i can not afford for the rage to break out or i end up in the basement hiding away from these ppl who hate me and my family..
though it will look bad if i dont go .. just think i better take care of my insiders and stay home in our peace..is that wrong?
my husband says it is wrong .. but i have to take care of us.
just feel caught between everyone there and to me would be like jumping in a fire . my choice is no no no no ...i hear everyone inside saying no ..
just dont think i need to ignore those voices.
i did want to go before all this came up out of her mouth .. bought things to make it nice .. oh well will let myhusband take it over there .
guess this makes me the bad one .. but i cannot take anyone talk bad about my blood family!! my defense is strong . even though my own blood does not care for me ..never has .. cant take when others talk bad about them or anyone else i love so much and maybe too much..

Hi.....

First and foremost....self care is the MOST important thing.

If you are not comfortable with what is going on in the family at the moment, I think it is perfectly fine to stay home and have a peaceful Holiday as opposed to one wracked with anger, rage, and pain.

I do not think this makes you the BAD one...Not at all!!

I can imagine it must be difficult with your husband requesting you go. I also think he needs to try and see things from your perspective.

Just a thought....if you guys have more than one car...you could drive over separately, together, and you could stay for a while, and when you were ready to step out, you could leave any time you like.

Better yet....I don't have any plans for Easter....Just come over to my house!!

Seriously though, I wish you peace for your Holiday, and if that means staying home to take care of yourself, then that's what it means.

Happy Holidays to you!!

thank you for your reply
i know if i stay home .. it will be peaceful .. even though they will all be talking ugly about me - at least we do not have to hear it...
they hate me anyway and they try their best to keep me away from them during their holiday.
we have been pushed out all our lives and that is a huge trigger for me ..
sorta like i am dmmd if i do and dmmd if i dont .. used to it.
would rather stay here in peace.
it is much better than falling into a den of lions.

I agree about staying home. Why get all upset at a gathering when you don't have to be there? If you must go take separate cars like mentioned above and don't force yourself to stay past your tolerance point. Sometimes we have to take care of ourselves.
Best wishes to you,

Kayti

thanks for your reply ~
one thing we do have is choice ..and i do not use that near enough in my life .. going to use it tomorrow.
everyone inside of me is upset..freaked out .. scared ... sad .. angry ..
i am calm .. just trying to settle inside
my husband would never let me take a second car for that if i went ..
he also thinks i should go and not worry about them .. but then he hasnt a clue of how hard that is for us.

wow ..after i made a firm decision to stay home and keep my peace ..and be safe .. this morning my loving husband said nothing to me .. then just before he left here told me to have a lousy lonely easter.how lovely of him to say ..
its ok .. i have my peace my insiders are safe that is what counts.

Well....that was sure a nice thing for him to say!!

I can understand him wanting you with him, but it seems as if he is attempting to cause you to feel guilty for taking care of yourself.

Good work for you though!! I hope you have a very peaceful and relaxing Easter holiday and do something special for yourself. Take a nice warm bath....eat some chocolate, watch a favorite movie. You deserve it!!

When your husband comes home, share with him what a great relaxing day you had and how much you enjoyed it. Tell him, it was the best Easter Sunday you'd had in years! Then don't ask him how his Easter was. But he'd probably force you to listen anyway...just keep that smile on your face and give thanks that you didn't have to experience it first hand.

we had a nice peaceful day
So glad i did not have to experience the hell that goes on there
I realy do not care how theirs went .. taking care of myself today feels great!

((((((((((((Shame))))))))))) Sounds like he was reacting out of hurt and anger. I'm sorry he said that. Perhaps when he comes home, you can both just let it go and enjoy spending the evening together. Good job on using self care.

(((shame))) you did the right thing

hope he calms down when he gets home and apologizes or at least acknowledges that you are taking care of yourself and therefore of him, too.


twilight

sending hugs!!!

hi shame,

i think you made a good choice to take care of yourself in a bad situation. sometimes it is the only good choice to make. my spouse can not truly understand what i go through and he is not sympathetic about issues that cause me great distress. i am having to learn to take care of myself and not feel guilty for doing so.

family loyalty is only right when it goes in ALL directions. people who are abusive do not deserve our loyalty or time spent in their presence.

i hope things get better now that the family occasion is over. i am always relieved when "holidays" are over. i do much better on ordinary days =)

leslie and her pixies