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#1
Apr 28, 2009, 03:55 PM
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Saw T today. Realize that relationship with friend is unhealthy and toxic. I' think i've always known that. Just got too involved. The whole abuse cycle---we'd have a disagreement or a fight, i'd apologize, things would be ok for a bit then i would do something that set her off and she'd be mad, blaming, venomous and throw the guilt on big time---i go over and over what did i do and can't match my behaviour with what she claims i have done
 --but i would apologize, cry and say i'm sorry--and things would be good for awhile till i would do sosomething like not answer her texts for a few days......then the abuse would start again...... so this time i have made the decision to end the relationship....really for sure this time. and what i need is lots of support. i want to go inside and not face the fallout or the pain of ending this relationship. I want to do anything to avoid having to live thru this--- always before in abusive relationships i have gone just so far living with the pain and the panic and anxiety then apologize and get sucked in again. I don't want to go there this time, but i have never lived thru the uncomfortable, painful feelings to the point of my own resolution without running back to the abuser......and that is what she is---an abuser. so logically i know. i know what i have to do. i know the steps. i know some of the pain i have to walk thru------- i'm scared, panicked, anxious. I am trying to put together support ppl who will encourage and sit with me when i am feeling like i can't take the pressure any more and i want to surrender and go back. This is where i am right now---and that's not even going to where others inside are.....that's part of the mess. 
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#2
Apr 28, 2009, 03:58 PM
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*sits with you*
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 white_iris
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#3
Apr 28, 2009, 04:16 PM
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(((((( white iris ))))))
  This is such a good move to make. Yes, you will feel guilty and even a little lost for a bit but in the long run you will feel so much better. It is so good that you can see that this was an abusive relationship that you were in and I understand how difficult it can be to break free but remember you have T to talk to and we are here on your side also.
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 Pegasus Got a quick question related to mental health or a treatment? Ask it here General Q&A Forum “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing that it is stupid.” - Albert Einstein |
| white_iris
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#4
Apr 28, 2009, 04:40 PM
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I'm here for you WI....
 I will sit with you while you're going through these difficult times. You are doing a good thing for yourself, and it is REALLY a difficult thing to do. I hope once you move through the more difficult moments, you will be able to feel some pride in yourself for being strong and making a good decision for your health and well being!! Lots of hugs and support for you!!!
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| white_iris
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#5
Apr 28, 2009, 05:17 PM
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((((((((((((((( white iris )))))))))))))))
here with you 
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| white_iris
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#6
Apr 28, 2009, 05:45 PM
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ill be here for you... i still live in home with my abusers... its terrible. im trying to build strength and get the courage to leave... but im terrified of what will happen. i tried before and was unsucessful..
but i am here for you, because i dont want escaping abuse to be scary for ANYONE ever. you have EVERY right to leave, and dont let yourself feel guilt... i believe in you. ~Everyone in The Breakfast Club |
| white_iris
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#7
Apr 28, 2009, 05:53 PM
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...........
........... ...........single for over two and half years........living by myself......and aucually getting better........go figure...... .......had the oppurtunity to work on me and my DID.....and took it.... ..........only because that pain is a hek of a motivator........ ........................sparrowstail ..................... |
| white_iris
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#8
Apr 28, 2009, 06:10 PM
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Dear White Iris,
You have blossomed!! (pun intended  ) & grown!!! Your strength & courage are remarkable!!! You are taking care of YOU!! You Go Iris!!!!!! You are so right! You deserve wonderful treatment! That's how true friends interact! Not all the dismal, misery you've been putting up with.After I leave my friends, I always feel good @ myself!!! (maybe that could be used as a little measuring stick for you, lol) * I'm Here for you Iris & I offer my very Best Support!!!!!! (PM me also!!!) Much Love! Holmes
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| white_iris
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#9
Apr 28, 2009, 07:02 PM
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((whiteiris))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
__________________
 Yesterday I was so clever, so I want to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself. |
| white_iris
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#10
Apr 28, 2009, 08:17 PM
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I will sit with you for as long as you need support. You are doing a good job and keep telling yourself that. I know it is difficult to end a relationship, especially one that is abusive but has been there for a while. Know you are in my prayers and I give you hugs if you want them.
Take care of yourself, Pooh |
| white_iris
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#11
Apr 29, 2009, 12:15 AM
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Go you! What a wonderful thing you are doing for self(ves). Self care is so very hard, especially when we've been programmed to do anything but. Keep us posted. How can we support you through this? Good job
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| white_iris
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#12
Apr 29, 2009, 08:31 AM
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i feel so strong one minute and then i question if i am doing the right thing.
don't want to hurt anyone. i'm hurting her. i've not given her any explanation. i've not even talked to her. questions and more questions--- old voices "you are bad" "no respect for anyone but yourself" "this isn't how a good Christian acts"----- Tried to walk away from her last yr. went back. got slammed when i left for my own sanity last yr. vicious e-mails and telling me i was doing to her what others have done--that i am a tricker and a user..... this yr i couldn't take the triggering, the unhealthiness of her actions and her not seeming to really care....so i am done. but it's haunting--- one of her protectors was so vicious in her e-mail to me. lots of triggering words from the really bad time last yr. blocking to keep the memories from flooding. PTSD says T. need to walk thru the fire to get to the otherside. shock is wearing off. pain is setting in. memories are starting to come back--the awful ones that can't be shared with anyone--have to work thru even tho i just want to go inside and hide. I need ppl to remind me that i won't die, i can get thru the pain, memories are just that----and that i am healthier and stronger than before. that it's not my fault. the decision was right. that i will come thru this stronger and healthier. remind me not to give in even when it seems too much to bear. and that i am loved and appreciated by my friends. thanks all for listening to my ranting. |
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#13
Apr 29, 2009, 09:40 AM
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((((((white_iris))))))))))
We just wanted to remind you that you are a SURVIVOR We wanted you to know you won't die! Because You Are a SUrvivor!! We wanted you to know you will get through the Pain and memmories will come and you can get through them... Because white_iris You Are a SURvivor!!! Just wanted You to know that YOU are Healthier and Stronger because you can Speak and Write about your misery now and You can ask for help unlike in your past, like me... Because You my friend Are a SURVivor!!!! White_iris just reminding you that it's NOT your Fault nor has it ever, ever been your fault! Because You are a SURVIVor!!!!! You make good decisions white_iris Because you choose to come here and ask for Help, way to go! Because YOU are a SURVIVor!!!!!! White_iris I just want to remind you DON'T give up or give in when things in life becomes so hard to bear... Because YOU are a SURVIVOr!!!!!!! white_iris you ARE Loved and it sure does seem you are MuchAppreciated from your firends from here for sure! Because white_iris YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!!!!!!!! I hope you get feeling better and just know you are really appreciated here at PC by me for one and times that by all the ppl you have helped out on PC.  white_iris but we ask youto just remember: YOU Are a SURVIVOR!!!!!!!!! I hope you believe that you are a __________hint(survivor) Your friend, ThaCrew
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later |
| white_iris
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#14
Apr 29, 2009, 09:48 AM
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..........
...........just the thought of relief.........maybe not right now in the middle of the pain.............but just that thought........that there is a chance that things maybe better...........later..............was enough motivation for me......... .............eventhough there were many many days when the only thing I could do was sit still and hurt...............and show up for therapy..........even to this day...............therapy at 1 tomorrow.......that will make 3 x this week........as many weeks before ........................... .........and realized my picker....my plucker for relationships......was definately broke.............. ........I have not died yet from no sex.............auctually I have great sex today......with myself........   ......................sparrow ................................... |
| white_iris
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#15
Apr 29, 2009, 10:49 AM
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you can make it
*sits here with you*
__________________
Yesterday I was so clever, so I want to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself. |
| white_iris
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#16
Apr 29, 2009, 12:03 PM
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It's never easy and I've had to do it more than a few times. Recognizing the need and making the choice to let go of someone is a huge step towards a healthier you. but yes, it's sad and i feel that for you. If it helps, keep telling yourself that you have no choice, that this is the right thing to do.
Be Caml, be strong, love yourself enough to keep safe.
__________________
Miri I have no armour; I make benevolence and righteousness my armour. Samurai, anon |
| white_iris
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#17
Apr 29, 2009, 03:02 PM
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(((((((((((((( white iris )))))))))))))))
 love, furry paws
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| white_iris
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#18
Apr 30, 2009, 08:17 AM
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really don't know if we can do this--don't know if we can make it.
more guilt. another wham. when will i learn to just delete?????? stirred up big time. i'm so stupid so bad why did i hurt her? why didn't i just tell her it was a bad time? why didn't i just answer her text? really hating myself right now. really confused want to just apologize and set things straight want to just be done would rather her beat me than the words. |
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#19
Apr 30, 2009, 08:42 AM
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Iris, are you being triggered right now? Is this deal with your friend triggering something else from the past?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#20
Apr 30, 2009, 10:38 AM
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very triggered
can't handle guilt trips can't handle being told how awful i am when i don't know what i've done. stupid bad no good worthless evil gave you a chance and you blew it will never meet expectations can't do anything right failure really not in a good place right now. someone just hit me and i wll be fine.......... |
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#21
Apr 30, 2009, 10:55 AM
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__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| white_iris
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#22
Apr 30, 2009, 01:47 PM
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__________________
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| white_iris
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#23
May 01, 2009, 10:02 AM
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((white iris))))))))))))))))))))))))
BB
__________________
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| white_iris
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#24
May 01, 2009, 01:06 PM
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Some of our senses are returning.
We have tools to use. We are going thru grief. We are stronger than before, We have grown in health and maturity. WE CAN make healthy choices WE CAN protect ourselves WE ARE NOT bound to our abuser(s) we are still very hurt and sad and feel a range of difficult emotions. it will take awhile to work thru them. thank you all for being there. PLEASE continue to be there. As much as we know in our healthy mind, it will take much to apply and work thru emotions that want to hold us hostage. |
| white_iris
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#25
May 01, 2009, 03:30 PM
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Very Good Work Iris!...............
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| white_iris
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