[Jenn1fer82]

My bf is going through a nasty divorce where she refuses to let him see their four kids and its breaking him down everyday. His child support is sky high and he is so hard on himself that he can't be the boyfriend he can be just because of the lack of finances and emotionally available when he is preoccupied with the frustration of the divorce and kids. I've told him I love him regardless and asked him to put aside his pride and accept help by asking his mother a loan and hire a attorney. He just won't do it. My concern is how do I take care of my bf in the mist of all this stress. How do I be there for him when he doesn't want to accept help. How do I support him when I watch him break down even though he thinks he's good at hiding his feelings. I've never gone though anything like this before so all this is very new to me. If anybody knows about the laws on child support in the state of California that can help please send them my way.

[jerrymichele]

Jennifer when someone goes threw a divorce it is very painful. Time only heals the pain. Right now he's probably feeling like his whole world just left him. He needs to hire a lawyer to have his visitation rights. If he will not take the loan then try legal aid. I would encourage him to see a therapist. I think in all the states they have community resources that help people with legal aid and health clinics. Look in the phone book and see if the information is there.

[HelgaDE]

Jen a Divorce that includes kids tend to get very nasty. It will breakdown anyone who's rights are being violated. What I suggest that you do is to be there for your boyfriend no matter what! You may need to do most of the work like finding him a good lawyer and to search up your local states statues and educating yourself and your boyfriend the local laws. Sometimes you may need to be your own lawyer because divorce lawyers tend to cost a lot of money... It can also ruin your credit. A close friend of mine is in the middle of a child custody battle between her ex psychotic husband. My close friend had 3 kids with him and since the divorce it has been an extreme roller coaster. I'm actually shocked to see that my friend still has it together, I guess it is because I've been such a great friend to her

I would also like to warn you about the possibility of your boyfriends ex wife turning her child against your boyfriend. This is called PAS - parental alienation syndrome. Please go to http://www.paskids.com/ and educate yourself about this serious issue. My close friend's child is suffering from this syndrome as we speak of right now.

Please take some time to watch some of these Youtube videos about PAS.

Hightly recommended to watch!

Demi's Parental Alienation Story

(First part)

(Second part)

Your boyfriend needs you the most right now so be at his side at all times.
I wish you and your boyfriend the finest luck.

Originally Posted by Jenn1fer82

My bf is going through a nasty divorce where she refuses to let him see their four kids and its breaking him down everyday. His child support is sky high and he is so hard on himself that he can't be the boyfriend he can be just because of the lack of finances and emotionally available when he is preoccupied with the frustration of the divorce and kids. I've told him I love him regardless and asked him to put aside his pride and accept help by asking his mother a loan and hire a attorney. He just won't do it. My concern is how do I take care of my bf in the mist of all this stress. How do I be there for him when he doesn't want to accept help. How do I support him when I watch him break down even though he thinks he's good at hiding his feelings. I've never gone though anything like this before so all this is very new to me. If anybody knows about the laws on child support in the state of California that can help please send them my way.

[sunrise]

Jenn, I recommend your BF see a lawyer. Doesn't he want to see his kids? He needs a lawyer to help him get his custody rights since his wife won't let him see his kids. She doesn't have a leg to stand on unless he has been abusive.

If anybody knows about the laws on child support in the state of California that can help please send them my way

I would advise that you stay out of the child support discussion. It is one thing to look up divorce laws about separation and custody and such, but when the new girlfriend starts looking into child support, there is the danger of it being viewed as her just wanting her new guy not to spend his resources on his "old" family so there will be more for his new relationship. I know you are not doing this at all, but there is just this suggestion of that when the new girlfriend takes an interest in child support. Instead, I think you should continue to encourage him to get a lawyer and to not give up on getting to spend time with his kids and be a good father to them.

he can't be the boyfriend he can be just because of the lack of finances and emotionally available when he is preoccupied with the frustration of the divorce and kids

Be supportive and patient and give him his space and time. He is not going to be able to be "the boyfriend he can be" until he has all this settled and is divorced. Many people going through divorce don't form new significant relationships so soon for just this reason. If the relationship feels too one-sided or unfair to you, you might have to move on, because it's going to take your BF a while to get past this.

I would also suggest counseling for your BF. He sounds like he might be depressed.

[lovehope]

I will say stay by his side, attend church any church, there must be a higher power of direction for u both for him to be strong and for u to be able to with stand the stress of standing by him and his emotions, if will get worst b4 it gets better, ive been there and sometimes it even feels like its easier to walk away but this too shall pass, i promise...

[sweetypie]

i am sorry you and your boyfriend are going through such a painful and difficult situation

every situation is different, and of course as you mentioned some laws on divorce and child custody may vary, state to state.

most state divorce and custody laws are outlined in numerous books in your local public library. and. . . . online. you can get actual copies of the LAW though, at your library. both would be a good start. (note. fathers have rights. there are attorney's who specialize in fathers rights)

my personal opinion on how you can be supportive and helpful to him at this hugely difficult time, is to remain loving, but keep in mind if he seems distant or needs space, that it is not personal towards you. it is often how a man needs to work through things.

you can also help by beginning this legal research, and then when he seems receptive tell him you felt if you got some information it would take some pressure away from his own stresses and duties. . . and no matter what he decides, extra knowledge can ONLY be a bonus.

and lastly, but certainly not the least important, stand by him, no matter what the outcome or what decision he makes. he needs your approval though he won't outwardly ask for it. these are likely the most difficult decisions he'll ever make in his life, and in all honesty, they are his to make, and the mother of the children. and the court. you take a secondary role, but please don't think i mean that in a disrespectful way.
you may take a secondary role in the decision making process, but you can take a primary role in his life and heart if he knows you are there no matter what. and that you believe in him

thanks for letting me 'chime in'.
and i wish you and your bf the very best.