need advice

before we were married my husband & I dated for a year. Out of nowhere he dumped me. I was devastated. A year later he came back, professing his love for me - BUT then went on to tell me that he dumped me for his former mistress (with whom he was in constant contact with while he was with me). I wigged out! then became completely obsessed with trying to find out anything & everything I could about this woman. I tried and tried to have him talk to me, tell me their story, but he refused, said it was none of my business. So I continue to try to find out why???? We fight all the time sometimes it gets abusive.

I went on and married him anyway. I think for my ego and not the right reasons. Christmas is especially hard for me because he dumped me on Thanksgiving and brought her here for Christmas. I am so deeply depressed and ruining yet another holiday. I can't get the thought of him and her out of my mind. Can this relationship be saved?

I am going through a similar situation. Your husband/boyfriend cheated on you and you want details and answers. If he cares about you, he will give you those answers, and you deserve them. Its normal to wonder what he did with her, said to her, etc...so dont feel bad for feeling the way you do. When I found out my wife was having an affair I was numb for 2 weeks, I couldnt function. I am now, 5 months later going through depression. Its just how one processes an affair. He betrayed you in the worst way possible. If you can afford it go to counseling, even if he wont go, do it for you. You deserve better. I hope all works out for you.

I'm also going through a simlar situation. WHat do you mean "he brought her here for Christmas". To be honest I don't think you should bother trying to save this marriage. I don't think it's salvagable. I know you must be in terrible pain and I understand how the holidays are hard to bear. I appreciate your honesty in saying you married him for the wrong reasons- you're right. If your fights get to the point where he's abusive, this is all the more reason, not to be with him. I came to PC for the same reason as you - because I was tormented by thoughts of the other woman.

I'm not familiar to the inclusion of infidelity, however, I am to the marrying for the wrong reasons. And since that is what you've said you've done, (marrying for the wrong reasons, and especially with fighting all the time, to the point of abusiveness), then chances are likely that your marriage will eventually reach an end.

The fact that you cannot overcome the idea of him cheating on you is what's basing your present emotional status. He wont share with you what you need most TO put this to a rest, therefore, I don't really see much relief for you in your present situation, unless you allow yourself TO get past this on your own, which doesn't seem likely.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but it seems to me that you really only have 1 of 2 choices: Either accept the fact that he isn't willing to help you through this and overcome his infidelity on your own in order to remain, or leave.
I realize that sounds easier than done. It boils down to how much you are willing to do for your own self, as he certainly doesn't seem concerned with helping you at your time of need.
Don't ever think that you HAVE to remain in an abusive situation. Do what's best for you.

I hope this works out for you. Good luck.

Shangrala

thanks for your answer - good luck to you too

thanks for all your replies. I have been trying to get thru this on my own, thru self-help books, etc., but none seem to work. Everyone can give advice, but the truth lies in him. He is the only one who has the answers, yet he will not share with me. So my self esteem has gone down the drain thinking she's better than me, prettier, sexier, etc. Yet I have seen her and she's NOT! And to make it even better she has moved into an apartment right down the street from us, so now I dread the day of coming face to face with her - it's inevitable. And then I wonder, will those old feelings come back to my husband.