[Torn777]

I am not actually married, but feel like I have been through a horrible divorce. Three months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 13 years. We have been living together for 9 years. I thought he was my soul mate. Until I found out that he was lying to me and was having emotional relationships with two other women behind my back. He called these women "friends", however he does admit to kissing one of these women but claims nothing more happened. I promptly broke up with him and vowed to never take him back. He claims he is innocent of any cheating and that he only pursued these other relationships to boost his ego. He thinks I am over reacting and wants to work things out. I feel that I was cheated on and that I can never look at him the same way.

I have been able to keep myself together except for the "bad days". Today is one of those days. I feel lonely, lost, confused. I start to blame myself. I wonder if I will ever find that kind of love again. I wonder if I am making a mistake by not taking him back. Just the thought of going on a date with a stranger and starting all over again makes me start to panic. I don't know what I am doing anymore. Can anyone offer any advice?

[Belle1979]

If you love him then perhaps working things out is an option that you should explore, but trust is a major player in any relationship.
If you did go back to him would you put 'conditions' on the relationship, would you be able to forgive (I don't think you can ever trully forget).

On the other side I have recently split with my other half (he is now in a new relationship - perhaps it was going on before he broke it off with me, I don't think I'll ever know) and same as you the thought of going out with a stranger - even thinking about it makes me break out in a cold sweat. It's a very scary prospect. Give your self more time to find who you are and what you want out of life.

Therapy and this forum has been a life saver for me. Keep posting your thoughts and hopefully it will be become clearer to you as to what you really want to do

[shezbut]

((torn777))

I am sorry I can understand how you're feeling inside ~ you described the experience well.

I think that it takes time and some general sense of self before you can tell whether or not your relationship should be over. While your bf denies cheating and claims needing a boost of ego to be the culprit, it is pointing out the fact that your bf needs others to make him feel good. You, getting back together with your ex, will not change your bf's general terms. And that does put you at risk for another heartache down the road.

I hate to be the bearer of such bad news (really! ), but you both should work with a couple's counselor if you're really interested in re-developing your relationship. Otherwise, chances are very good that his past behavior/s will come out again.

That said, give yourself some time. Time to become comfortable with just yourself. You don't need to be with someone to be happy. You can fill that void with activities that you enjoy. Things that you always wanted to do or try ~ go for it! Get to know that you will be okay without the bf. You will make it just fine. Once you've come to terms with who you are, and have gained some self-fulfillment, then you can try another relationship.

btw- It can take awhile to regain your sense of self. Be patient and try lots of different activities/interests to keep you going.

Best wishes!

[Torn777]

Thank you so much for the support. Today my ex officially ended the fight to try and get me back. My mind knows that I didn't want him back, but somehow I found comfort in knowing if I ever changed my mind he would be there.

I don't know why I am taking this so badly because we have been separated for over four months. I have been trying to keep busy but some days I feel the void more strongly. My life is virtually unrecognizable to me right now and I just don't know how it happened. Please tell me things get better....

You are grieving. Grieving is an individual process that will run its course. Might be a good idea to click on the Resources tab at the top of the page to do a bit of reading about grieving.

Good luck.

[LynD]

Hi Torn. I am currently separated from my husband, since August. I totally understand what you are going through. Somedays I miss him terribly, others I am ok. I get angry, scared, sad, etc. The thing is we have to let ourselves grieve. I wasn't doing that at first. It's ok to have bad days. Sending you big hugs!

[sanityseeker]

Things will get better. There will be good days and bad days until the grieving is done. The good days will gradually outlast the bad until it is all boxed away as memory. Soon your life will be recogizable again as you fill it with new sources of comfort and fullfillment. Acknowledge you gains and trust that there will be many more yet to come.

Wishing you well.