[Beach Bum]

I am a single mom w/a 5yr old daughter. I have been with her dad for what would have been 7 years next month. In the past 7 years we have moved some many times i can't believe it. i have been through and endured things that I never imagined that I would, all to prove how much I loved him. He was not capable of really showing love or compassion only through sex. That is basically the only time he would even touch me. He was no an emotional person. He was very distant and cold hearted. He did show our daughter love, though. So I know that he is capable of it. He has just hurt me over and over again, with no remorse for his actions. It was almost as if he was diliberately trying to make me miserable. He used me financially,physically and emotionally. I still love him,but don't understand why. How could you care for someone who put you through so much H * LL. He is not a very responsible person, he so calls himself self employed, but doesn't work enough to pay bills or even give me any money towards his daughter. We have split up several times in the past, and always got back together. When I would ask him why he was so mean he would tell me that I made him that way. I have no family to speak of and lost most of my friends. I'm looking for someone to talk to, get some advice on how to deal with this. Even though he was abusive,he's the only family I've known in 7yrs and having his daughter hurts. It will always be a reminder of him. When will the pain go away and will I ever get my self esteem back. ?

[Leed]

Hi ~ YES you will get your self-esteem back, once you are completely rid of HIM. He won't be around to brow-beat you, and constantly put you down. He won't be there to continually abuse you. And this will be better for your daughter too, because you don't want her thinking that this is how a woman is SUPPOSED to be treated!!! I'm sure you don't want her marrying someone like her father!!!

You say you "love" him ~ I say you probably are just dependent on him. YOu THINK you love him. But how can an intelligent woman like you really LOVE a man like that??? You say you have no family -- so chances are you just hung onto him because he was all you had.

You really would benefit from talking to a therapist. You need to find out why you allowed yourself to be treated like this by this man. You certainly don't want this to happen again with someone else!! And it could -- you could enter into another abusive relationship because that's all you know. Get in touch with a good therapist and talk to him/her. You won't regret it. It will help your self-esteem greatly too. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else -- and right now I don't think you love yourself very much.

Best of luck dearheart ~ and please keep us posted on your progress. Hugs, Lee

[2MuchCoffee]

You poor thing. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Wow, I could write a very similar post myself. I'm in the middle of almost the same situation and kinda confused myself so I don't think I can offer good advice.

But I wish you well. Keep reaching out.

Hello, Beach Bum. This person is toxic. So glad he his out of your home.

Is professional help an option for you?

Good luck.

[Vibe]

I think you answered your own question - how can you love a man like him when he's been so consistently abusive and neglectful to you? Because he's the only person (other than your daughter who is dependent on you) that you have right now. And because you've let yourself grow attached to him for several years. It's understandable that you would feel close and that it would only make the pain worse.

It's also why you have to get away from him, so you can start to grow apart and you can become involved in good, healthy relationships. I'm glad to hear you threw him out, but I am also very worried that you have a pattern of taking him back. You'll need to stay strong for your sake and your daughter's. Maybe get a therapist and join a support group for women in similar positions as yourself. Find some other people to be around and don't allow him back. You need to find the self-confidence and will to do what's right for yourself and carry through. Good luck to ya. I think you can do it.

[Beach Bum]

Thank you to all who responded. I have been looking up self help articles on coping with getting over an abusive relationship. Trying to get some type of therapy. I really don't want to make this mistake again. I have suffered from depression since I was a young child. My father was very abusive to my mom and all of us kids in every sense of the word. He was a very mean strict southern baptist wannabe preacher. We got beat constantly and were always threatended that we would burn in hell for doing bad things. I was terrified to go to sleep at night. On top of that I use to beg my mom to leave my dad or I would run away. She eventually did and the man whom she met murdered her when I was 14. So i kinda blamed myself. I begged her and begged her to leave and when she finally did for a better life, she was stabbed to death. I lost my best friend. I was suicidal for a while. I became pregnant 2 months later. I felt like god took any mom and but gave me someone else to love and that would love me unconditionally. My first daughter helped save my life. I have even lost contact with her. I need to try to locate her....That's another story. It's a struggle just to get throught the work day, but at least I'm busy and it helps somewhat take my mind off of my problems. When I go home it's hard,because I have no contact with anyone but my daughter. So I focus on her and spending time with her. Always letting her know how much she is loved. My mom was very affectionate and caring and I'm the same way. So is my daughter, she is my heart. Without her I don't think I would have the strength that I sometimes do. I have to to take care of her. Money is really tight, right now and I have a hard time sleeping worring about how am I going to pay this, how am I going to afford that. Him living with me has put me in debt and I have no one to blame but myself. I feel stupid. Never again. Me and my daughter deserve better. I heard it was gets worse before it gets better. I hope so. I am so lonely. I wish that I had some friends to talk to . i need so type of support from an adult perspective. That's why I researched the internet and found this place .....Thanks you for all the advice. It really helps.

[2MuchCoffee]

Oh my gosh. I don't know what to say.

No wonder you've had the struggles you have with relationships. You had kind of an unfair start in life. But NOW you can take control of your emotional health and your entire life and make things so much better for you and your daughter.

Therapy is a MUST for you. Please please do whatever you can to get started with a professional. Reach out to friends and family, too, if you can.

And I need to take my own advice.

[shelly2u]

Please for your daughters sake don't let this abusive man back in your life. You have had a rough time. I wish I could give you a hug! Be strong. you can! you have to be for her. I agree with the others try to find a good Therapist. and a support group.
I have been through a lot myself. I have grown strong, and have done this for myself, and my kids. It can be done!

[Beach Bum]

I have looked into the Salvation Army to help us with food. Since I'm paying all of the bills and am starting over in debt from him, I am really limited,but while there I checked out some childrens activies for my daughter. She is going to be a Sun Beam. I was a Sun Beam when I was little. LOL, this is too cute. She is so excited. This will be her a chance to meet other friends and do some fun activities outside of the house,and who knows maybe I'll meet some friends too. I don't have any, gods knows that I need them. I don't know why, but I often wonder what my ex is doing, or rather who he's doing. I don't know why I still care. I feel dumb, but I'd by lying if I didn't. He is really handsome and a charmer. If you met him you'd think she was a great guy, extremely handsome and charming. Jack of all trades, including stealing your heart and breaking it in half and moving on. I found out on one of our break ups, we were still talking etc.....and he must messing around with other women. He didn't miss me or grieve or anyone. Just moved onto the next one. While the year we were seperated I was with one man, and dummy me felt guilty. Like why is I trying to be with someone else, when i clearly still in love with my ex., I was trying to make myself move on. But I have to be very careful. I have my daughter and want to make sure the next one is responsible and a good hearted person. I don't want to repeat this mess. It hurts like HE**!!!!!!!!

[Beach Bum]

I am still trying to move on. Some days are okay and other days are very hard. I need some friends. My daughter is the only friend that I have. I love her to death, but I really need a adult friend to talk to....I feel like i'm losing it.