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#1
Nov 21, 2011, 02:20 PM
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Hello all. I am a divorced man who is still deeply in love with his ex wife. We were married for 12 years and have two children together. I have something wrong with me in that I have a tendency to set very high expectations and I can find flaws in almost anything or anyone. Our marriage started out rocky. We barely knew each other, she is from Scandanavia and I am from the US, so there is a culteral difference too. We got married after we found out she was pregnant with our son. It came at a time in my life when I was tired of the singles scene and felt I was ready to settle down. She is beautiful, intelligent, driven, and loving...but I neglected her emotionally for most of our marriage. I never cheated on her, never hit her, never broke things or threatened to leave. Nothing like that...but she says that sometimes she wished I would hit her. At least I would've been showing her some attention.
Inevitably, she sought emotional comfort in another man. Once her feelings for him became strong enough, she left me. We were supposed to be having a trial separation, but I found out shortly thereafter that she was seeing this guy. At that point, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was very much in love with her and I had done my very best to drive her away. I fought for over a year to get her back. Throughout that time, she moved back in, then moved back out, stopped seeing that other guy, then started seeing him again, and so on and so on. Finally, she saw the other guy for what he was, an opportunist and frankly, a bit of a pyscho. There was some stalking going on toward the end there. About 7 months ago we decided that we would try again. After a year of counseling and many many books, we thought we were ready. Unfortunately, I deployed to Iraq just as we were finding our groove. While I was gone, the stress of being in a combat zone amplified all my negative emotions. I was jealous, suspicious, angry, and paranoid. I never sounded happy to talk to her and eventually, I told her that we weren't making each other happy and we needed to move on. Deep down inside, I really hoped that she would argue against this and fight for me the way I had been fighting for her all that time. She didn't. Well, I'm home now and I have been trying to act as if the stuff that was said during my deployment shouldn't count for anything. It's too late though. She has a new "friend" who makes her laugh and "treats her well". She says that she can't be in a relationship with me right now because she needs to heal. She is moving to the Northeast in a few weeks for a new job and I'm going to stay here so the kids can finish the school year without moving. Then we are all going up there, but I'll most likely be in an apartment of my own. I just want to be close to the kids no matter what happens with us. The wierd thing is, this "friend" lives in the Southwest part of the country. There is no future for her and he together, but she is willing to put me through this pain and agony just for this week that he is staying here for a visit. The week before he came, I was staying at her house and it was wonderful. We were living together as if we were still married. All benefits included. We talked about how much we loved each other and couldn't let the other go, but she still had these plans with this guy that she wasn't willing to break. She claims that all she wants from him right now is friendship, but I find that very hard to believe since I had to go to a hotel so he could stay at her house. I've really screwed things up for myself and my family. I just wish there was something I could do to make it all OK. |
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#2
Nov 22, 2011, 03:21 AM
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I'm so sorry this is happening -- BUT I think you're being too hard on yourself. It takes TWO to screw up a marriage. You can't take the blame for everything. If she was emotionally needy during the marriage, she should have SAID so and done something to try to rectify the situation. You aren't a mind-reader.
It sounds to me like she is enjoying the "single" life right now -- but I suspect that it's going to get old very soon. Perhaps more counseling would help -- it sure can't hurt.  Please take care of yourself, and ease up a bit on the self-blame. Continue to be attentive & caring for her, and she'll probably come around. If not, then it just wasn't meant to be.  God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee
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 beauflow
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#3
Nov 22, 2011, 06:03 AM
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Quote:
What scares me is that during the past two years, whenever I would win her back by trying to convince her that I will never go back to being that guy, I would get comfortable and start thinking of any little thing about her that I didn't like. Smoking (she started again when she moved out the first time), the tattoo she got after our divorce (kids' initials in a heart with wings), the occasional facial hair, teeth not white enough, deep coughing in the morning, OMG...I feel like a jerk just listing these things! So once again I would pick apart any small thing I see. Then, when it all goes bad again, I am right back to missing her and wanting nothing more that to have my family made whole again. I now realize that all these things I look for in her aren't things that are wrong with her, but there is something wrong with me. No one is perfect, myself included. Why do I look for perfection??? |
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#4
Nov 25, 2011, 05:30 AM
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Who knows why people look for or insist on perfection. Maybe they want their "fantasy mate." LOL
What things about YOU could SHE list? Like you said, no one is perfect, and there are probably things about you that get her goat. Since she did try to 'fix' the situation while you were together, and it didn't work, she may just have had enough. I'm sure she does need to heal, but the end result may not be the two of you back together. I'd suggest counseling for you -- you've been thru alot, especially having to go to Iraq. That alone could cause problems --- but you mentioned being jealous, suspicious, angry & paranoid. These emotions could crop up again if they aren't addressed. I wish you the very best. I guess all you can do is take one day at a time. God bless. Hugs, Lee |
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#5
Nov 25, 2011, 05:51 AM
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The way you've self-sabotaged, it seems as if you don't think you deserve to have what you work so hard to get. I haven't the ghost of an idea why. Lee's idea of therapy seems a good one to me. Unpeel the onion & all that ...
If you do some hard work now, you'll be clearing the way for whatever your next relationship is--your ex-wife, or some fantastic new love. Roadrunner |
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#6
Nov 30, 2011, 12:21 AM
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It takes two to tango, your not the only one responsible for the end of your marriage. She probably still does love you, but not enough to be faithful to you when your deployed. Sometimes people take advanatge of how much we love them, and use it to there advantage, i dont know if its intentional, but your always going to be the one hurting as you love her more than she loves you.
Is she going to come back to you, yes! Is she going to stay with you, probably not because the next time you deploy or dont give her what she wants she will find someone else to give her attention too, until she finds the right one, and i dont think it will be you. Plus all those feelings you talk about, like jeolous, trust issues etc once there in there like an infection they spread through your whole body until you become consumed by it and its destroys your relationship. I hope you get your happy ending though, there is a possibility that she will change and finally figure out that she wants you! Anything is possible! |
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