remarried but still want old life back

I'm so depressed with myself. I got married again four months ago and I do love my husband. I have no love for my ex-husband and don't want him back, but I can't stop wanting my old life back. Does that make any sense?My daughter started high school this year and I need her more than she wants to be around me so I miss that relationship too. I want to go back 5 years to when she was younger, when I had my house, my ex was always gone anyway and we didn't fight, just more like best friends. I was on zoloft all those years too which I got off of last year.

From these feelings, I assume now that I got married before I was ready, but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing and was eager to be with my new husband every day and night, not just once a week and nightly phone calls. Other reasons were I have no family where I live but my daughter, and now I have a real mother in law I think the world of. My daughter has a step dad that would do anything for her. We have family now that loves us, a decent home. Our new home is just not as nice as my old one and in a small town 15 miles away that is poor and a bit depressing. My daughter hates it here but I drive her to her old school district so she still has the same friends and classmates. If I listed my blessings they would be much longer than what I have to be unhappy about. I prayed so much about what to do and everything fell into place as far as the marriage plans so I was sure God and the universe was leading me down this path.

Now I just want my old house and neighborhood back, which I still own, just rent someone. Why do I care about that house so much? I lived there 8 years out of my 49 years of life! My new husband says we can move out of his house if I don't like it, which I don't. However, he won't move into the house I shared with my ex because he doesn't want to live in a house another man is paying for. Yes, he agreed to pay off the mortgage on that house and I am renting it, ha! His cheater's guilt. My new husband said we could move, build, whatever, we just need to take some time to get our finances in order, and be sure we find what we want. I've decided to wait a year to year and a half to move. No more rushing into things! Can I find happiness in the meantime? Will I adjust to my daughter moving on and not leaning on her? Sometimes I want to send my ex a message and tell him my life is still a mess because of him. Why do I want to let him know I am unhappy? I know he will assume it's because I still care about HIM, which I don't.

So, now that I did get married maybe before I should have, how do I make the best of things without being depressed all the time and looking back? My new husband is a good man and I don't want to talk myself into deciding I made a mistake. I want this marriage to last for the rest of our lives, and I have no interest in looking or talking to other men. I hated being alone but now that I have what I wanted, part of me just wants to be alone and dwell on my old memories and what I had!!

I'm sorry you are hurting.

And I do understand wanting your old life back. But, know that you don't really want that life back - just the nicer house, better neighborhood, maybe the rut/routine that became comfortable to you, etc. I used to believe that my old house was better. I had friends in the neighborhood and was lucky that I could be a stay at home mom. Today, I have to work - but my children always refer to my current house as a home. The last one was just a house. Big difference.

If you love your current husband - stay focused on that. There is still a lot of life ahead of you and he sounds as though he understands your frustrations. As time goes on, things will settle down. Divorce and ensuing years after can feel like a roller-coaster ride. Normal. Really, there is no such thing as getting married too soon if there is real love.

So, if you love him and trust him - give it time. I wouldn't be surprised if you come to see that a new home that you and your new hub choose will be the best home you ever lived in. Might not happen as fast as you might like, but it is a goal the two of you can set.

The relationship with your daughter...try to think back to yourself at her age. I sure wasn't close to my mom - but now we are best of friends. It only took 30 years to make that happen!

Finally, although you seem happy that you stopped the Zoloft - perhaps it would be wise to see your doctor and reconsider. It does sound as though you are depressed, and meds might be helpful at this time.

I wish you the very best!

Hi ~ I have to agree with "Caretaker." Things were familiar in the past. You had settled into a routine. You say your house was "nicer." You loved the old neighborhood. Here, you obviously don't feel "at home." Your daughter is a teenager, and if you can tell me how you can MAINTAIN a close relationship with a teenager, I'll patent it and become a millionaire! LOL Teenagers change from day to day. She'll love you one day and hate you the next. LOL

I also agree that you DO sound quite depressed -- I thought as I was reading your post that you should be back on your antidepressant. Please take to your doctor about perhaps getting back on it -- I have a feeling you'll feel much better, and things will begin to look up. Just give it some time.

God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Thank you so much! My daughter stayed with a friend yesterday and night before and when she came home she barely spoke to me. I told her I missed her and she said she missed me to. I said "No, you didn't but that is ok because I wouldn't expect her to miss me while with friends. However, she said "No, I did miss you, just not being here and bored. So that was nice in one way, but she does hate our home. Anyway, she is a teen and a spoiled one at that as I have catered to her every whim, especially after the divorce. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and reply so thoroughly. It has helped me feel better today!!

I agree with caretaker that you really do not want your old life back. I thought that too for awhile, but there is really no going back anyway and even if you could it would not be the same. It took me a long time to get over a broken heart and put my life back together even though my ex-husband was cheating on me with the neighbor and made my life hell-on-earth.
I am remarried, an no things are not perfect. They never will be regardless, but I love my husband dearly and am willing to deal with or put up with the rest. It took me awhile to realize the dream I had when I first married was not reality.
If your daughter is in high school, she will begin to more distant and her friends will occupy the focus of her life. It is what we human females do at that age. Sometimes a mother is lucky to have any communication at all. I suspect she still loves you though, just wants to be more independent.
Your new husband sounds like a keeper. He is probably right about moving back to your old house. You really can't go back, but you do have an opportunity to build a new life in a new place that has a chance of being better

You know, if I really charted it out I wouldn't want my old life back probably. It's easy to idealize the parts you want to remember. I think sometimes I just need more time alone than I get now and that makes me feel like I wish I was still single. My new husband is so good to me and is trying hard to help me adjust. His mom said he is so happy and it makes her happy to see him that way. My ex husband thinks he's great too. He said he had no doubt J. is the man for me. I am going back on a low dose of zoloft for awhile to help me get through this adjustment phase. After I've been told on here I might need to go back on it, my therapist told me, my friends, and my general dr. so why am I fighting it!

Bertieb,

I am going to recomend to you the same thing I did the other girl whose husband decided to leave after 20 years. These are testimonials aboput all SSRI's from users, ex-users, and spouses. I lost my best freind 6 months after starting Zoloft. I woke up next to a stranger. http://www.topix.net/forum/drug/effe...R28DFD3N759/p2 Do yourself a favor and check out just a few of these stores. There are about 150 differnt stories here in the several thousand posts. It has turned into a support group as much as a place for testimonials.

I can only say I couldn't have dealt with the things my husband did to me in our marriage without being on Zoloft! It was not the cause of the demise, but probably kept it going all those years. I've had anxiety problems since I was a teenager. I read the thread you sent and I do hate being on those kind of meds but the trembling, weight loss, crying,ocd, and panic are far worse than taking the medication. I started again last week, hopefully it won't be forever.

bertieb, I'm glad you also checked Mith's link out. I have to say that when I went there, I felt very concerned that someone might just decide to chuck the meds that are helping them. Yes, some people have adverse responses, but if we work with our doctors we can usually find the right med that can help us through some very tough times. And I truly believe that sometimes we need meds to help us and over time, plenty of us can get off of them.

Some People have adverse affects? http://ssristories.com/ Taken from the news and courtrooms where SSRI's were indicated or responsible for everything from murder to sexual abuse. One thing these stories can't include is how many people are affected when a person goes manic. Children, parents, friends, extended family, co-workers, strangers caught in the cross hairs. This is off topic here, so I will just say that ones perception changes when on any drug. Every drunk believes they are better looking, funnier, better fighters, and (most dangerously) better drivers. Perception of reality is skewed by them. Don't have to believe me or any website. Check the prescribing pamphlet of every one of them and read that it instructs the doctor to "remain in close contact with your primary caregivers. Now why would they protocol (one few doctors follow) a doctor to do that. Why not just ask the patient if they are behaving abnormally? Getting high is never the way out of your mental health problems. It will always only treat your symptoms.

But bertieb, you may be right. You ex was abusive. But even in your response you revealed some dysfunction. "I couldn't have dealt with the things my husband did to me in our marriage without being on Zoloft! It was not the cause of the demise, but probably kept it going all those years." You shouldn't have. You went to a doctor, told him you were being abused and he/ she gave you something to help you deal with the abuse?! If he was abusive what you long for is common. What you are experiencing is residual Stockholm syndrome. Subconsciously abused people develop deep attachments to their abuser. Being abused was "normal" for a long enough period of time that the mind longs for the return to normality.

I wish you continued peace and health. Thanks you both for engaging. I have never learned errors in my thought (and I have found many) by just listening to people who wouldn't disagree with me openly. Thanks.

One of the main reasons I like PC is that we all have the ability to write out our struggles, ask for suggestions and explore what others offer to us in responses. I know I always learn something new when a different opinion is offered. I sincerely hope that I don't come across as strongly disagreeing with what anyone else says.

Ultimately, we each have to make decisions that are best for us. What any of us suggests/offers to another might not match up to some of the more personal details that aren't provided by the OP.