[0879]

This is a long story, but bear with me. I'd really love any advice I can get. I am pretty lost and confused at this point.
I'm 20 years old any up until about 8 months ago I have been very close with my mom- she has been my best friend. About two years ago, my mom lost both of her parents (who she was very close to... took care of... talked and visited with daily) and she got very depressed and felt pretty lost. At this time she and my dad had been arguing and hardly getting along or talking much (they are married, have been for 21 years). This was a "known" issue, but was more or less related to the stress of our family situation. Around this same time I graduated high school and moved about 50 minutes away to go to college. I came home every weekend and was still close to my family, but saw my parents slipping further and further apart.
Fast forward to this past summer, my mom told me she was going to move out. I was very upset and felt like she was giving up on the our family. She ended up staying because I felt like this and she told me she'd work on it. She didn't work on it too much at all... rarely spent time at home... was always out with friends and a few months later she did move out. She and my dad had had some heated arguments and my mom threatened to move out... meanwhile my dad didn't want her staying if she felt this way. So, like I said, she moved out and took about half of her things with her.
We didn't get along for a while after she moved out- I was very upset with her and felt like she didn't care about anyone but herself. A couple months after she moved out we had began to talk more and get along better. She was still talking to my dad... even moreso than in the past few years, but she didn't want to move home. I felt like something was "off" with her and when she told me she was going on a vacation with some of her friends, I just couldn't believe her. I did some investigating and found out that she was going on this vacation with a guy she had been seeing. I've known this man for years and my mom had known him for longer, but in the messages I read they were "in love." This broke my heart. I legit didn't know what to do with myself. I confronted her and she told me that she was seeing this guy and dind't want me or my dad or brother to know. I kept this secret for a long time, but it weighed very heavy on my heart. When I was with my dad, all he talked about was my mom and how he still had hope that she'd move back... while I knew my mom was seeing this other man.
I eventually made my mom tell everyone the truth... and know it's "all" out. But the thing is that I know she is still lying to me and to my dad. She asks as if she might move back in and tells my dad she loves him, yet she has this other man in her life... she has switched all of her info to her new address and calls her apartment "their (as in her's and the guy's) place" and they act like a full out couple.
I really need advice on what to do. Do I confront her and "make" her make a decision on staying with this family or getting a divorce? Do I confront her with all the little lies that I catch her in?
I know some might say to stay out of it and that it's a problem for my parents to work out, but this weighs on me. It effects me every minute of everyday. It's effecting my relationship with my boyfriend, my school work, my mental health... everything. It's hard to have all this love for someone, but know that they lie to you... to your face nonetheless... on a regular basis and it doesn't seem to bother them at all. My mom has changed so much and nothing makes her realize what she's done. It's like dealing with an addict of some sort. She just doesn't realize what kind of hurt she is causing, even when I try to tell her.
Thank you for taking the time to read all of this. I've never been on a forum like time before, but I hope someone might have been in a similar situation with a lying parent or something and has some other advice than to just cut her out of my life. That is something I can't imagine...

[Leed]

I guess I would let her know that *I* knew about it, and that I was very disappointed in her cheating & lying. I would tell her it was very unfair to Dad for her to be telling him she "loves" him yet she still has this guy in the apartment.

BUT, I would not tell Dad. That's between him and her. She can't keep up this farce for long before he finds out. And he will. Someone will tell him, you can be sure -- but don't let it be you. That will only cause a huge rift in the family. Your Mom will feel betrayed by you and you don't want that.

I know this effects you horribly, but TRY not to let it bother you so much. I know it's hard -- you love them both. But they have to iron out this mess by themselves. Undoubtedly there's more to the whole story than you know about. So don't judge either one of them.

I wish you the very best. Try to keep busy with your own life and chances are things will work out. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[abnt]

Hi there 0879.

Everyone deserves a sense of peace and happiness. And I can see in your message that the situation you are in might feel overwhelming. It isn't a good position for anyone to be in. You have been placed in the middle the moment your mother told you to keep a secret. Perhaps it's a good idea to speak with a licensed therapist help you work through this.

I know that you are feeling stressed out and would like to find a simple answer. But it's important to decide for yourself what to do. You matter. How you feel matters. You are free to make whatever decision you feel is best. But there are a few things that you should stop to consider before proceeding. Take a moment to consider your own personal needs. What course of action would be best for you? What would help you feel better right now? The last two sentences clearly are driven from feeling of fear. Fear of damaging your relationship with your mother. It's okay to feel afraid. But from my perspective, you can still pursue a relationship with your mother. While also addressing your own stressful situation. Because what she has done to you can be considered hurtful. -Towards You- Not just your father.

It isn't about the two of them anymore. You have a relationship with both of your parents and you have been place in the middle. Allow me to tell you two short stories that I've lived through where people have chosen not to speak about an affair;

A high school junior has bullied in my school because her father was relieved as bi. Both of her parents have aids. The father had an affair, which he later admitted was another man and unprotected. Members of the community knew but said nothing. My own mother was cheated on by her best friend and people knew but said nothing. Could you imagine how these two people would question their relationship with "friends" who only stood by? Now think of how your father would feel about you. Deep down inside you already know how he'd feel. Whether or not he knows you knew about all this- guilt can be a horrible thing. It can hurt just as badly as fear. I think that a part of you is afraid because no matter what you do, you will feel guilty. That's why they call it being put in the middle.

Your mother isn't a bad person. You don't need to demonize her for what has already happened. Do you want the relationship with your mother to go back to how it used to be? Being close and having fun? If that's how you feel I'm sure she'll love to hear that from you. Tell her that you love her. Tell her that placing you in the middle is greatly effecting your life

This is a serious issue and I still think that it's a good idea to look your options for therapy. On this site, and the awesome references it has. Take care, 0879, things will be better with time.

[0879]

Thank you both so much! I really appreciate you reading and taking the time to give me advice. I never knew there was an online community like this... I think even writing all of it out helped me deal with it a little. I really love my parents so much, but I guess it will be best if I try to stay out of this as much as possible (with the things that don't directly involve me) and just be honest with each of them. I know I need to talk to my mom about how all this is affecting me, I plan on doing this next weekend when I see her.
Abnt, you really made my feel better. "Overwhelmed" is the perfect word to describe how I feel with all of this. I really can't describe how much calmer you made me feel about everything. Like I said, I am going to talk to her soon... and let her know that I miss how our relationship was and how I shouldn't think she is a bad person for doing this. Again, thank you.