My ex (wife really) has decided to divorce me and in our state we have to be separated fro 1 year. Unfortunately right now I'm still paying for all of the financial expenses including both apartments, utilities and other things. She says she is trying to find a job and can't but i'm panicking because it's gotten more expensive even for my upper middle income. I don't know how to split things fairly and I don't know how to get out of the trap where she controls me through dependence. She is acting like I'm the bad guy in the situation because I'm planning to let them take the car that was hers at one point (not technically as I never put in her name) and she uses that kind of stuff to keep me from doing anything. She uses "oh you're gonna take that from me too?" and "you gave me a life of hell for... years, if you want to be mean I can be a b* too" and I'm afraid since I'm the husband, I'll pretty much guarantee to get the short end of the stick.

is this all common and what do I do?

[Gilead]

It's apparently common among you and I.

I was able to make some headway by finally telling her;

1) I'll give you everything I possibly can so that you're happy - because then you'll leave me alone and I'll be happy

2) You have no leverage at all with me so stop trying to tell me what to do - because if you don't stop then I'll stop giving you what you want

Since then it's been pretty cordial, living 150+ miles apart helps, not divorced and don't care if that ever happens. I hold up my end of the bargain and give her as much money as I can which basically doubles her income from her job and that's it. Not sure if it will work for you but so far I'm ok with it.

Thank you and I'm sorry you went through a similar problem. In all honesty, I think it would help. The part that's hard right now is it's so entangled right now. I bought her a car (not thinking she'd be divorcing me in a year and a half) and she wants to keep it. Fine I would give that to her but it's killing me with the payment. Heck I AM giving her what I can but that's just it, it's not enough because she's not working and insists on some seriously expensive habits - iphone, car and other things... she won't let go of. I need to free up something so that I can live too. I understand what you're saying and at some point I hope it helps. but I am paying everything already.

Originally Posted by Gilead

It's apparently common among you and I.

I was able to make some headway by finally telling her;

1) I'll give you everything I possibly can so that you're happy - because then you'll leave me alone and I'll be happy

2) You have no leverage at all with me so stop trying to tell me what to do - because if you don't stop then I'll stop giving you what you want

Since then it's been pretty cordial, living 150+ miles apart helps, not divorced and don't care if that ever happens. I hold up my end of the bargain and give her as much money as I can which basically doubles her income from her job and that's it. Not sure if it will work for you but so far I'm ok with it.

[Perna]

If she has not already filed for divorce, get a lawyer and you do so now. The lawyer(s) can help with the equitable split of resources; if you do not have the ways and means, she can't have the house/car/whatever -- anymore than you can! It does not sound like she is at all realistic/attuned to economics if she is thinking "you" are taking the car versus what can be afforded if there are two households; ask her if she would like the car or an apartment to live in? :-)

If she has not already gotten a lawyer, you should pronto; my husband's lawyer helped with the impractical (and "wrong") ideas of my husband's ex-wife. Who files first gets a modicum of control (my husband's lawyer suggested he buy his house in a certain county to not live in his ex-wife's county which was more lenient with giving away the farm, whether there was a farm to give or not :-) Just living in a different county, with more equal laws (50/50) saved him from a harder life than he could have had for the 10 years of the process of payment.

[Gilead]

MG,

Perna's right then. If you're doing everything you can then you have to see a lawyer. I know the helpless feeling - it's not a good way to live.

Talk to a lawyer. I filed for divorce but called the whole thing off before we went to court. The stress ratcheted way up for me - a lawyer for the divorce, another lawyer and an accountant to figure out the taxes. I'm not rich, I live paycheck to paycheck I thought the whole thing was crazy so I stopped it.

You need some real advice though so you should at least talk to a lawyer and then decide what the best course is for you. I think a lawyer would tell you that if she's capable of it she needs to get a job.

Even though you're cursed to be on the male side of things I think you'll find that the law might benefit you.

Thank you for all of the advice thus far. I agree I have to get a lawyer and I found one in my area that is supposed to be one that fights for men's rights so I might just go in for a consultation with them. Unfortunately being as broke as I am it's gonna be hard to even do that!

[Leed]

I hope your lawyer can help you out cause your ex is really choking you big time! I think that's lousy! When my ex and I divorced, we used the same lawyer! Since it was a rotten marriage, why fight? Just get it over with, right? So we just divided things down the middle, and that was that.

Of course, after all was said and done and he thought about it awhile, he became enraged and stalked me for several years. LOL I had to move away, but thats another story. LOL

Best of luck and God bless. I hope you get the help you NEED! Hugs, Lee

Originally Posted by Leed

I hope your lawyer can help you out cause your ex is really choking you big time! I think that's lousy! When my ex and I divorced, we used the same lawyer! Since it was a rotten marriage, why fight? Just get it over with, right? So we just divided things down the middle, and that was that.

Of course, after all was said and done and he thought about it awhile, he became enraged and stalked me for several years. LOL I had to move away, but thats another story. LOL

Best of luck and God bless. I hope you get the help you NEED! Hugs, Lee

Thank you so much. I think it's terrible too. I always thought it should be possible to just agree to go to the same lawyer but as it's going right now, I'm not sure if that's possible!