It's all over/Fresh start

Met up with my wife this afternoon, then followed her to her lawyer's office. We signed the final version of our legal separation agreement. We will still have to go to court sometime next month to make all the formalities official, but for all practical purposes it's all over. We basically signed all of the financial, child custody, etc stuff that would be in a divorce without actually ending the marriage.

When we finished signing, I reached over and shook her hand and asked "fresh start?". She said yes. We walked to a couple of stores afterward and talked for a while. I asked if she had gotten what she said she wanted, financial independence, our home, the kids, and away from me for a while. She said yes again. We looked around in a Christian bookstore and found a book/workbook set on healing from extramarital affairs she thought looked good, so I plan on buying it for her as soon as I go back to work and start getting paid again. It's only fair, since I was the one that caused that particular problem.

She told me when we first started talking about reconciliation instead of divorce that if I wanted our marriage back, I would have to start again from the beginning, literally from the first date. I invited her out to dinner and she accepted. When I get the refund check for the balance of the retainer I paid to the lawyer I fired for shouting at her, that's what I'll use the first part of it for. It seemed appropriate to me and hopefully a good omen that we will really want to be together again, not just for the kids or because that's the "right thing" to do.

Time will tell, if only I can keep myself on track and avoid doing any more stupid things...

"right things" aside ...
I hope this is the path that both of you are meant to be on.
Roadie

I certainly hope that it all turns out well for you two. Maybe some time apart is all that is needed, and a "new beginning" is just the right thing. I sure hope so.

I doubt you'll do any more "stupid things." LOL Please take care. God bless. Hugs, Lee

Yeah, well, responding to an out of the blue message from my girlfriend with a reply that included the phrases "I miss you" and "I don't regret us" wasn't really the brightest thing I've ever done, as my wife pointed out to me when she read it about five minutes after I posted it. Stupid, stupid, stupid me. I can't afford any more slip ups like those, not if I ever want us to really have a chance together again.

Are you sure you really want to be with your wife?

You can force yourself to stay with someone, but that doesn't mean you will be happy with that choice.

PLEASE UNDERSTAND THIS IS NOT MEANT HOW IT SOUNDS AND IS NOT DIRECTED AT ANY ONE PERSON OR GROUP OF PEOPLE. THIS IS SIMPLY A VENT OUT OF FRUSTRATION.

That being said, I am going to be very frustrated the next time someone asks me if I really want to be with my wife. I had lots of people piling on to tell me I shouldn't have been with my girlfriend. They are correct, I am married and I was cheating. That's wrong. Now that the affair is finally all the way over (I sincerely hope) and I'm trying to rebuild the marriage I damaged, I have just as many people asking me if I really want to do that. Ok, simple fact, I have to do SOMETHING. I can't just exist and take up space and use oxygen while I wait to see what happens around me.

The way I see it, I have a few options. I can go on the rebound, look for a replacement girlfriend, and finish off the marriage. I can sit and do nothing and wait to see what life does to me. I can actively work on improving myself and better managing my illness both for my own benefit and so that I am a better companion/mate for my wife or for someone else down the road. I can work on rebuilding the marriage I damaged, slowly and on her terms, keeping in mind that we have both done wrong and we both need to change for it to work again.

I choose to work on the last two. First I want to heal myself for myself. Then I want to improve myself to be a better husband/boyfriend or whatever for my wife or someone else who may come along if the marriage still doesn't work. After that I can work together with my wife to rebuild our marriage with the understanding that we were both wrong we both need to forgive and move on. Notice I didn't say "forgive and forget". That would be highly unlikely, and frankly a little foolish for either of us. She's always going to to be watching me closely around other women, and I will always be alert for her telling lies and trying to stay out of hitting range when she gets angry.

As for whether I "WANT" to be with her, the answer is I still don't know. That's part of why we're giving it time before we even look into marriage counseling. She's not completely sure she wants me back either, not when she can have the benefit of living off my pension without actually having to put up with me to do it. We both THINK, and have told each other, that we want our marriage back better and stronger than ever for having come through another very difficult trial. We have a lot of history and time spent together, 18 years of marriage, 20 years total. As she tells me, she's been my best friend for 20 years and she's not going to abandon me. Something kept us together for those 20 years, something that at least has the possibility of growing back into love. The feelings aren't all gone. I may get frustrated and angry with her, but I still care about her and don't want anything bad to happen to her. We have two kids together who would benefit from having both of their parents in the home in a healthy relationship. Finally, according to all the religious and moral teachings we were raised with, and in accordance with the vows we made, staying together is "the right thing to do".

So faced with the choices, I choose to work on myself and then on the marriage. I may not be certain yet that's what I really want, but it beats sitting on my hands and waiting for lightning to strike. In time we'll either decide that a renewed marriage is what we want and move back in together as a family, or we'll decide it's no longer meant to be and turn the separation into a divorce. The worst that happens is I'm left alone with whatever improvements I've made for myself, and maybe someone else will come along to appreciate the improved version of me.

OK, VENT OVER. THANKS FOR LISTENING.

"I can actively work on improving myself and better managing my illness both for my own benefit and so that I am a better companion/mate ... for someone else down the road."

I like that one and 110% behind you!

(you are still a good person. You always were. Your behavior wasn't good).

If you don't mind, it's really hard reading passive / poor me / I want my (horrible) wife back simply because I have to start all over

If you choose to take good, kind, forgiving, loving care of yourself, I guarantee you, you will want absolutely nothing to do with her down the line when you start focusing on you.

Also you won't be worrying about having to "give her" all the things you literally sacrificed your life for. That IS a hard pill to swallow. But oh well. It's only STUFF. Clearly it didn't mean much to you before either because you were going to start fresh with someone else (simply on love and bread and wine)

I also guarantee you, once you start feeling better and healing, the last thing you are going to be is alone. I promise.

I'm not sure if I agree with all of this yet or not, but it's a perspective I hadn't considered. I need to think about this some more. Thanks as always for your insight. What if she improves herself too? I know she is also in counseling and seems to be working hard at it. What if she stops being a horrible wife and we want each other again? How will each of us know if the other is worth risking our hearts on again?

One other source of frustration - in yet another former life I was a professional writer. I look back over my posts and the way people responded and think "that's not how I meant it!". I'm supposed to be good at this - I have a degree in it and I used to make my living writing. Why can't I make my posts come out the way I'm really thinking and trying to express myself? Confuses the heck out of me. I never know if people are responding to a mistaken impression because I didn't word my post well enough or if they are reading me just fine and seeing right through me and offering perspectives I hadn't considered. AAARRRGGGHHH!!! Frustrating!!!

Rose - this is frustration with myself and my thinking and my writing, not with your response. I really do need to take a while and think about what you said.

I think the answer to that question harkens back to many moons ago when you asked yourself or someone close and wise, "how will I know I'm ready"? Or "how do I know if I am in love?"

If you have to ask, you aren't ready. And
When you are ready, you will just know.

re: the writing thing. This is a place where we share our thoughts, feelings, ideas, etc. we are speaking (err, writing) from our hearts to others that can relate, empathathize, lend an eye, understand, send a hug or thank you, so it makes sense that our writings sometimes get confusing, jumbled, are out there, may change on a daily (or even hourly) basis. It's emotional writing. And a lot of time, it's purely stream-of-consciousness.

When we are frustrated, hurt, terrified, happy (well, as happy as we can be), venting, we are not writing as journalists.

I'm not sure of your specialty/field; however, I imagine, it was something where you had to do research, check your facts, check your facts, check your facts ... write to a demo, about a certain topic and remain even-keeled and impartial. And you had an editor and publisher that you worked with. And maybe even a Cub.

Keep writing. You are fine! You are making sense of things and getting it out / working through things. The more you write, and communicate, the better.

My professional field was technical writing, writing user manuals for the software industry. I had to get EVERY detail EXACTLY right EVERY time. And yes, it is every bit as boring as it sounds - that's why I took my love of volunteer firefighting and bailed out of tech writing and started firefighting professionally. My professional specialty was tech writing, but I also used to write and edit the newsletter for the campus honors society, write some pretty decent fiction, and even some poetry that was pretty good. I've had most of the writing spectrum covered at one point or another - that's why I get so frustrated if a post doesn't come out right.

so I'm confident you saw every single typo in my post/reply

(seriously though. I totally get your point. But try not to be hard on yourself. even with all the writing experience on the planet
there are reasons doctors do not treat themselves, lawyers do not represent themselves and writers absolutely do not edit their own work)

Bowhunt,

Your writing is just fine. I dunno, but I think I understand what you are saying. Look at that thread of mine you stepped into yesterday, really I was getting frustrated there.. And I can usually keep my cool. Was I not clear? I think I was clear as could be, but other people have other opinions. And we can't always make what we write come across to everyone the same way. So try to not worry about your writing.

I noticed that with your threads you are really taking things in and thinking, but that's so good. From the start of a thread to the end things might feel differently but that's ok, means you are really thinking and feeling here. Sorting it out best you can.

Seriously now, I'm no writer. Some of my threads have been so jumbled and confusing I am surprised anyone responded at all. I wrote quite a few while manic and quite a few while having psychosis. Haha you know the fun part.... When someone digs way back into the forum history and pulls up one of those embarrassing old threads of mine and make new posts on them. agh well.. You haven't written ones like that.. Yet hehe.

Ok so you know I think you are on the right track, your taking it slow. Your working on yourself. You've got that clarity there. You are working on becoming a healthier better you for you. And then the marriage, it could work out, and it might not. But you will know in the end that you gave it all you could. Really isn't that what's most important. The rest will fall where it may, and you will know when you get to it.

I think you and your wife are trying to take this and really work with it, in what does looks like a healthy mannor. No ones jumping the gun here. Slow and steady wins the race, and in the end you I think will be much better off because of the work you are doing now.

Honestly, I'm very proud of you!!! Did I tell you that? Look what you've done here. Really Bow not long ago there was a man here who was wanting to end it all, no future insight. That is not what I see here anymore, lots of talk about the future, and possibilities. I hope you see that too, give yourself a big pat on the back my friend, at least one from me, if you wont do it yourself. You do deserve it, you have beat yourself up long and hard enough.

Anika you are such a lovely person. Your response was spot on. Bow HAS come a long way and I commend you Bow for continuing to write reach out and work hard. This isn't easy. We will be / are here to support you keep writing. Keep working through things. And I agree with Anika...you have beat yourself long and hard enough. You do indeed deserve a pat on the back you have done great. We are so glad you are here. As I mentioned before too you have helped others and probably don't even know it just by writing and sharing