[grump1]

I have recently filed for divorce. My wife is a serial cheater (9 times that i know of over the course of 26 years) has gambled away almost all my money and is an alcoholic. Yes, I know I should have divorced her many years ago but we(or maybe it was just me) were still raising a family. Being in the military, I was able to "escape" the problem by being deployed. I retired about 18 months ago and began seeing her for what she really is for the first time. So why the hell do I feel guilty about initiating the divorce process? Why am I expecting her to feel any remorse?

[trixielou]

i recently filed for divorce also & i was just thinking a little bit ago as to why i feel guilty. im so ashamed to say it but my husband plead guilty to child molesting and is in jail. he got 1-3 years and after a year he has to go before a parole board. he is an alcoholic and we never did have anything over 13 years of marriage. he was also physically and mentally abusive and i think we r so programmed to feel false guilt for nothing we even did when we finally do leave we r the ones that feel all the guilt. when he was first accused of molesting this little girl i didnt believe it i was so controlled and manipulated but i finally left and since the cobwebs have cleared i know he did it. u sound like u deserve so much better and its true what u have said about seeing someone as they really r for the first time. i couldnt for 18 years but i feel like a big weight is being lifted off of me. i hope everything goes well for u.

[Leed]

God bless both of you!!! Grump ~ First may I say THANK YOU for your service to our country!!! We don't say it enough to our service people, and you should be thanked daily! So thank you very much! Secondly, your wife must be very sick to have cheated that many times. She obviously needs therapy, but I doubt that she thinks there's anything wrong with her. The must be in denial -- not only about the cheating problem, but also the gambling! She definitely needs a therapist. But YOU have NOTHING to feel guilty about. If you feel guilty about being away so much, I'm SURE she knew what she was getting into before you two got married, so that's no excuse at all! I see NO reason for guilt on your part, based on what you've said. So PLEASE stop beating yourself up -- sure after 26 yrs of marriage you have to grieve the death of the marriage. I too was married for 26 yrs., and divorced my abusive husband (whom I stayed with due to the children, which was a big mistake according to them!) and I had to grieve the marriage. But other than that I did NOT feel guilty at all for the divorce. I felt FREE and wonderful! I hope you do too! You deserve so much better!

And Trixie ~ My heart goes out to you!! What a horrible thing to have to come to terms with. To think that you know someone and come to find out, he's no where near the person you thought he was! It's almost too much to bear when you first find out -- but thank God we can get rid of them in this country! lol In some cultures we'd be stuck with them for life! But seriously, I don't know how you got thru that. You must be a very strong woman to have made it thru that in one piece. I totally respect and admire you. I think he SHOULD have been put away for life. But YOU have NO reason at ALL to feel guilty -- for heavens sakes, this guy doesn't deserve to have a decent woman as his wife! You did NOTHING AT ALL! He used you & manipulated you --- how can YOU feel guilty? No my dear -- get rid of that guilt. Bury it and never dig it up again. Talk with a therapist if need be, but no guilt is called for in your case. Go ahead and talk about the whole thing, but you sure don't have guilt to carry. I wish you the very best.

Both of you -- take care of yourselves. Pamper yourselves. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[trixielou]

ohhh thank u for the encouragement. they said they dont know if he will appear by phone or video at our divorce hearing but in a way i hope its video so i can look at him face to face & he will know im not the weak person i was. i go to group therapy and i have come a long way in a short amount of time--when i did one on one the other day the therapist even told me that. im wearing makeup doing my nails & hair & i walk 4 miles a day all for me. thank u sooo much again for the kind word! again grump1 u dont have anything to feel guilty for. u were a good husband and she needs help bad. ive had an alcohol addiction before and i took the steps to stop it & she needs to also. good luck!