Break up, please give me your insights

I don't want this to go too long but also I want you to know everything so I'm going to put this in point form.

- Dated for 2 years
- Girl of my dreams
- Planned to get married, I already have a ring and was going to propose
- She was pushing for marriage more than I was
- Seemed to be the perfect relationship
- She met someone else, admits that she was attracted to him but promises she is committed to me and we work through it
- A week later she breaks up with me, believes that God has told her to
- Says she still wants a future with me and still loves me, just needs time apart.
- Her decision: Separation for 5 months, then we can meet again and re-assess (It's already been 3 months since) She promises me that she won't see anyone else during this time and that she will wait for me.
- She starts seeing that guy she met just a week earlier on the same day she broke up with me. I found out the hard way.
- Things didn't work out with them shortly after. He took advantage of her and forced himself onto her. She admitted this to me and apologized. Admitted to feeling very ashamed of herself.
- We're not allowed to talk or to be in contact at all until January, her rules

I can't fully grieve because there's no closure. I try to hold on to hope but I feel used as I feel that she really just left me for someone else. I feel like I'm just being strung along as a safety net for her and who knows what's going to happen when we finally meet in January. I'm trying not to judge her, I'm trying to get out of my own imagination of what she might be doing. I don't feel I can trust her anymore and yet I still want to be with her. I love her and I want to give her another chance, I can forgive what she's done if she wants another chance too but it's this waiting that is killing me. I don't want to wait and just hold on to the hope that she'll come back if she's already decided that it's not going to work. I feel so weak and desperate for her. She didn't give me any good reasons for the break up just that God had told her to do it. We didn't have any major problems and generally were very good at communicating and talking things through.

I just really want someone on my side. I'm not perfect but I don't think I deserve this. I'm trying my best to be confident and move on with or without her but I just can't. I've also lost my job recently and have been battling depression for most of this year because of various issues, this break up has been the worst though, like I've hit rock bottom. I have a history with self destruction that I have been avoiding for several years but now more than ever I want to return to those vices of drinking, drugs, and cutting. I am experiencing some suicidal ideation. Please help.

Thank you for reading.

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. It stinks.

Really glad you are reaching out. You have come to the right place if you want someone on your side. There are a lot of lovely people here that offer support, advice, input, care. Many that can relate. You are not alone.

IMHO, it looks as if you have your work cut out for you with this person; however, the heart wants what the heart wants. But at what expense? Your health, welfare and general well-being?

Do you have a T that you can speak with? It's important I think to speak with someone to share your feelings and also to find out the root cause of why you continue to go back (or wait) for someone that makes you work so hard for a relationship, who continues to reject you and toys with your feelings.

You do not deserve that *but you have to really feel that way in order to make a change or to see things from a different perspective*

Based on what you have shared, what would you tell your best friend if that person were in the same situation?

I hope you will be good and kind to yourself. And I hope that you will continue posting and let us know how you are doing.

Rose

Thanks for your input and your kindness.

I do have a therapist that I see weekly and it is good to talk to her but I find that it's just not enough. However it is good, I wouldn't say it's giving me an idea of why I'm allowing myself to obsess about my ex but it is giving me a good sense of how I can put a positive spin on my negative thoughts.

I like the way you put it though, "...who continues to reject you and toys with your feelings". There is truth in that and it's nice to have someone affirm the way that I feel, even if it is someone who's only got a handle on the surface of the situation.

It's tough to think what I'd say to my best friend is he were going through the same thing. I guess I would tell them to do exactly what I'm doing, filling my life with other things and praying for the best in the end. But that could be just cause I'm in this situation right now and it's hard to get out of it. I can see why someone would say 'just move on' although most of my friends who I talk to about it tell me not to give up just yet.

Anyway, thank you again for your caring response. I'm feeling the love in this community already

- A

Hi My friend ~ I'm sorry you're struggling so. You've come to the right place.

I think Rose asked a good question. I want you to ask yourself this: What would you tell a close friend who was going thru this VERY SAME problem? What would you advise him to do?

Think about that, and then figure out what you should do. I think you can answer your own questions after you ask yourself these questions. You're an intelligent man -- you can figure it out.

But I do also agree that you should talk with a therapist too, to get at the root of what is causing a lot of your difficulties with the depression, since it's been making you suffer for quite some time. You surely don't want to continue to suffer with this forever! So contact a therapist and make an appointment -- you need to begin sessions and the sooner the better.

God bless and please keep us posted on your progress, will you? We ALL care about you! Take care. Hugs, Lee

I have been exactly in your situation.
At that point I did not have anybody to look forward too for an advice;and ended in 11 years of misery(lies,marraige,separation,almost divorce,eparation long one,false reconciiation and then now finally divorce);

Both Leed and Rose,have asked you to do the best;
But this what I want to add 'Why do you thnik so less of your self;do you think you are so bad that somebody is justified enough to cheat on you;it doesnot matter whetehr you were married or not,dating and marraige are both commitments;and someone who can cheat you then and put it so lightly 'yes i was attracted...bla..bla...and then using you as a puppet or their ego-booster to wait for her till ,she,like a queen,decide what needs to be done next";

gain your confidence,come out of this mess now(to save you a life time of misery,tell her amicably in person or through other means that you have decided to move on and lead a healthy life ahead ;
Do not encourage her begging,if she does that wanting to come back;give her an insight that life is not a fiction or a game of attraction for some one to lose or win;we need to love,care and respect each other mutually;and that is what was missing currently with you too;

this is not justified,love is not supposed to bring any sort of drama or pain;this is in no way love for you;let her earn you,and you do not become a doormat please;

Also all the insecurites that you have been thru,i do not think it is worth all this;life is meant to be healthy and happy;there would be plenty of good honest women who would respect you and love you for what you are and not go about cheating on you;
Next time please do not jump into a relation or blindly trust;take your time and brfriend the person,know what nature she has got and see if she really is trustworthy enough of your love;
Please do not settle for dirt;you are uncomfortable now with her;and a relationship whose foundation is not based on trust wont last;it is msery,i know this for sure.

and about self destruction,this all I have to tell you friend;in you case you drink,take drugs and cut yourself;in my case it is uncontrollable anger or rage;

My rage not only adverself affected my family(who are here for me in my time of distress),but also has made me loose self esteemand I felt all is my fault ;

i just realize,I have never loved myself enough;and this time I am sure ,whatever tough time comes in,I am not going to give in;

So it is just me now,grooming myself,exercise,looking for a better job(i 2 have lost mine );So we are both in the same boat
Wishing you the best in life,do not treat yourself in a bad manner,and then nobody shall!!!!!

Thank you for all the responses, it's good to hear from people who are straightforward with me as opposed to my friends and family. As much as I know they mean well and their heart is in the right place it is often a biased response I think. It is good to hear different perspectives, even though they are hard to hear I can see the truth in what you guys are telling me.

hi,

How are you doing.I came across few audio's by louis hay.The link is in my signature.Just signup for it(name and email) and you get to download the 40 minutes audio file.Please do listen to it.It might be life changing....Do post if you llsten to it and like it.take care