just need some thoughts....

So I have been in this crazy interesting relationship with my ex-husband. I will be the first to admit that it was probably 80% (if not more) my fault for us getting the divorce. Anyway, we have 2 kids, and we have been slowly getting closer again. I think it's great that he is willing to forgive and forget, as I have been able to as well.

He and I are contemplating moving back in together (my roommate moves out in Feb, and I can't afford to live on my own)...obviously if we made that move it would have to be permanent because we are NOT going to put the kids through that again.

I don't know what to think. My heart doesn't go "pitter patter" every time he's around but I definitely got jealous when he was seeing other people (after the divorce, of course). At the same time, I have not had a relationship since we divorced...is it because I want to be with him, or because I don't want to deal with one?

So, I don't even know what to feel. I don't know if I am doing this because I care about him? I do love him, I don't know if I can truly say I am In love with him...or if I am doing this for convenience and familiarity, or because the kids want us back together so badly.

We have a decent relationship now. I am just afraid, maybe of myself? I don't trust easily either.

So, any input is appreciated, don't hold back, I need a reality check, please. What do I do?

Have you two had counselling? Have the issues that split you up in the first place been talked out?

There is a big difference between loving someone and being in love. I think once you love someone, a part of you always will. Familiarity is safe. You should probably sort out your feelings before making any huge commitment. I am in the process of splitting up my family, and I know how hard it is when kids are involved. I finally had to ask myself if my relationship with my husband was the one I wanted for the rest of my life. When the answer was "No", I knew it was time to leave. In your case, ask yourself if yours with your ex is one that will make you happy in the long run.

I wish you luck (and love!).

Wounded is right. Ask yourself if you want to be with your ex for the rest of your life, because your kids shouldn't have to go thru this ever again. The reasons you broke up should be taken into consideration too - and perhaps counseling would be a good idea!!

You may be contemplating this because of several reasons -- familiarity; the kids; fear of entering into a new relationship and getting rejected; safety; security; convenience, etc. You notice I didn't put "love" in there because you don't even know if you're in love with him. That's something YOU are going to have to figure out. Obviously you feel something for him since you get jealous when he sees others. And just because your heart doesn't go "pitter-patter" when he comes into a room doesn't mean you don't love him or that you're not IN love with him. When people have been together for a length of time, love goes deeper than that, and the 'pitter-patter' stage is gone, but the love is still there and very very deep. YOU are the only one who knows if that's the kind of love you have or not.

I wish you the very best. I hope whatever you do, your kids come FIRST in your decision. They are the ones who will get hurt if you make the wrong decision. Kids are ALWAYS the ones who get hurt first in these cases, so don't make them go thru any more trauma. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

(((AngelWolf3)))

That's a really tough situation for me to my give advice upon. 99/100 times, I'm confused by my feelings and intentions. So, I certainly don't want to share any of my bad luck. I just wanted you to know that I can deeply relate to this issue.

My ex-hub and I also have 2 kids together, which requires regular visitation and communication with one another. I do care about him, and frequently dream about us being back together again. What that means, I have no idea! Relationships are extremely complex to me, as there are many different possibilities. I am unwilling to put our girls through any more trauma, so I keep my dreams and emotions to myself. It's better that way for me. I'm pretty darn sure of that ~ as there are still key issues that bug the bejeezers out of me! Things that won't ever change, and I have to remain mindful of those issues to keep me in a clear state of mind.

Perhaps you need to remind yourself of positives & negatives of your ex-hub, and examine whether or not you have truly come to accept these personality characteristics. Can you accept his lack of change? Have you changed & can he accept that reality?? Try not to run with the emotions, but stay mindful of both facts and emotions ~ take both sides into consideration.

I wish you the very best!!

Your feelings seem pretty normal because you are going through so much stress and it seems easier to go back. Maybe it is. But, I don't know what made you two part in the first place. Is it something that is a deal-breaker. If you are compromising what is best for you to make it easier for everyone rethink it first. If you were not being treated right then you might want to wait a bit. Will the reason that made you leave in the first place be better now if you go back? Or will you think that you just jumped back in to the mess you had finally just escaped from? Get used to your new situation before you decide. God Bless and good luck.

I'm not a fan of going back together where there have been problems. At least not after a long time of separation. I believe it's really hard for people to change, so I can't trust anyone who seems to have changed, but after a good time of getting to know them again. I think that the reasons why it didn't work out will make it fail again, but second time it will hurt much more and lead to a worst break up.

I know cases where couples started living together again after a divorce but just as good friends. It was weird for the kids, because they also had an open marriage and, as hard as you can try, kids always know when something's not right.

You can't be in love with your ex husband because there's too many doubts inside of you and falling in love requires an open mind and an open heart. Of course you love him he's the father of your children! You went through a lot of experiences together, you wanted to share a whole life. But sometimes the hardest part is letting go of all those plans of a future together, not even the person or the feeling, but what you planned/thought/dreamed it would be in the future.

Maybe it's because everything is making you feel a little guilty. You started by pointing out it was 80% your fault. That sounds like guilt to me. Your children having to go through the separation, your ex husband willing to forgive, adn the prospect of not having enough money to live on your own... It must be overwhelming and the solution must seem simple, but it might as well be a big mistake.

I believe that, after all this, you haven't really given yourself a chance to try and have a new relationship. Maybe it's not the time, maybe you're too disappointed of having failed in your previous marriage or maybe you're just too full of problems, that you can't afford trying to engage and all what a relationship means.

I would think about it twice. None of you four deserve to go through a separation again. And if you have a little hunch that it will end up bad again, better take your time to see where it might really be going to.

take your time and see where it might really be going is always good advice. The fact that you questioning is a good thing.

People can change. It is rare and it can take a lot of work, but sometimes acceptance and understanding can create a sort of a change just by building on the confidence and trust.

There is, even in a marriage that stays together with some success, many times the "waiting for it to happen all over again," ready for another dissapointment and an overiding reaction to every slight or action on the to be added to the whole and blown way out of proportion.

It takes work to learn to look at each mistake as it's own thing and not added to every other past issue.

Then the words become always and never. This is never true

People chANGING MAYBE NOT SO MUCH, BUT REALTIONSHIP AND PERSPECTIVE CHANGING can happen.

The initial learning of how to change some of the thinking is quite difficult, but when change is realized on a larger scale the new guidelines become a habit...

Take your time and hold onto your heart.

The kids involved does indeed call for restraint and forethought, but maybe you can make this progress without "getting back together" full time.

Much love and luck