Lost Emotions - why?

I grew up in a very tight cultural centric family. We never really shared out feelings outright. We immigrated here from Europe at a young age and my father worked 16 hours a week to provide for the family. I learned a strong work ethic and dedication to family at a young age. I love helping people and put others infront of my feelings.

I met my wife when I was 21 and we married after I graduated college and started working. I was 25 and she was 22. We have been married now for 20 years and have two great boys.

She was raised in the same cultural centric family but emotional expression was key to their communication approach. She was raised thinking that she should marry a nice boy who would love and take of the family.

We did everything by the book. Married, waited 5 years to try for children to give ourselves enough time to get to know each other. She stopped working fulltime to be a stay at home mom and i continued my career as the provider.

Child 1 came and 3 years later, child 2. About this time my wife started her self exploration of what was missing in her life. Was she truly meant for something else. For several years this was going on w/o me knowing it. She never really told me about it and frankly, I was clueless to any signs. Remember emotional sharing and expression was not something my family did (or still does to be honest).

Over the last 8 years, my relationship with my wife as drifted from lovers to one of a brother & sister relationship. We never argue, we run the house extremely well together and take care of the boys. She has started singing in a band which has been her dream and I have supported her 100% and I am her biggest fan.

So you ask, what's the problem? Well she has expressed that what's missing in her life is an emotional connection we me. I don't open up and share me with her, that I don't engage with her unless she starts the emotional conversations. She feels empty and like she's living a fake life.

I have tried therapy, single and couples therapy. At the end of the day, what she needs from me doesn't appear something that I can provide her. I express myself and love through physical acts of doing and caring. I have never been one to open up and share and cry and let others in. I resolve things internally when needed.

It's to a point now where I feel as if I don't have any emotions whatsoever. I feel apathetic at times towards the relationship though I do love my wife and I tell her that. However, she doesn't love me from an emotional perspectvie but loves me as the person who cares for her, provides for her and the boys and supports her in all she does.

I'm confused and don't know how to react to what's she's asking. We have had talks where if she was able to live on her own and provide for herself she would probably want a divorce. However, she feels trapped because she doesn't really have a career she can fall back. She has an interior design degree but didn't like doing that the first 5 years of our marriage before kids. During her self discovery these passed few years she went back to school to be a hairstylist to have some flexibility around the kids schedules but after shoulder surgery that's not a career that support her injury.

I fear that we are headed for a divorce unless I can figure out a way to communicate and connect with her again on an emotional level that feels totally unnatural to me. I'm lost !!!

Any ideas or support would be helpful.

Hi "Lost" ~ I know this must be hard for you -- especially the way you were raised.

But I think in order to keep things together, you need to see a therapist by yourself. In therapy, he can help you learn how to express yourself WITHOUT FEAR. I think fear is what is behind your inability to express your emotions, since you were told NOT to express them. Or at least that was implied by your parents. Evidently, you feel it is something that STRONG people don't do, and that couldn't be further from the truth. Strong men, providers, fathers, CEO's of companies, etc., ALL can express their emotions and even cry! In fact I personally feel a man is MORE MACHO if he can cry and express all his emotions. I think it shows that he's NOT afraid to lose his manhood by crying and opening up.

Your wife needs to "know" you on ALL levels and that includes emotionally too. Right now, she doesn't even know you. She only sees what's on the surface, and in a marriage that just isn't enough. When 2 people "partner" up in a marriage, they TRY to become as one -- they share everything hopefully, and that includes their emotions. When that is lacking, the marriage becomes COLD. It doesn't matter if you have sex or not -- that is just an ACT. If you can't share the emotional part of life, then everything is COLD.

So you need to see a therapist and learn how to open up to your wife so she CAN get to know you. Once you begin to open up, it will be like you just got married -- a new beginning! I wish you the very best. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Thank you for your insight. I totally understand where you are coming from and I see it too. However, I've been to 3 different therapists already. None have helped. I have had both male and female therapists to ensure I got both perspectives. I have actually sought out female therapist in hopes that they could apply the female perspective on things.

I express my love through acts of selflessness and doing. This is how I communicate best, by doing rather than speaking. I don't like to hurt people by expressing my dissapproval. I would rather be the one hurt than hurt someone else. This has contributed to me not being willing to express my emotions of frustration and anger.

I'm a little resentful I guess of the fact that 12-13 years into the marriage I all of a sudden have to be giving her something that didn't even know how to do. What about loving someone unconditionally for all of their good and bad faults.

There are so many conflicting statements made by the 'experts'. I read an article today that talked about why men resent women. So much of it related to me and the fact that my wife also needs to back off an appreciate all that I do and not talk down to me. The fact that I come home from a full day of work and start 2 loads of wash to keep things moving and fold and put away the clothes does seem to matter. Not that I want her to say somethign but I don't want her to tell me that I folded the towels the wrong way.

There's more to it here and some of it falls on my spouse as well. If it's not her way then it's wrong...I'm tired of that too. So maybe, I don't want to change. I don't know. I'm just tired I guess but I'm afraid I will have let my sons down in the process. In all of this, that is my biggest fear...dissapointing my sons.

Have you tried talking?

Like doing exercises where you just tell her how you are currently feeling. Verbalize your selflessness. Explain why you are doing things. Your posts show that your capable of expressing yourself. Don't try to change overnight. It will take time.

Also, you can learn to frame disappointment and frustration without harming the other individual.

Ask your wife to be in your shoes. Let her understand that you appreciates the actions she does. Give her positive affirmations through actions and words. Tell her you love her and kiss her in front of the kids. Practice coupling a small endearing phrase with the action. Hug your children.

When I do something for my boyfriend there is a 'cost'. I ask him for kisses! After you get off from work, talk to your wife and see if she will allow you to hug her because you missed her. Tell her a hug gives you the willpower to do the wash.

You can communicate with your actions in a loving way. You can be physically expressive. My dad and mom showered my sister and I in kisses and hugs. My dad couldn't say 'i love you' but his actions showed it and he eventually got there. It takes practice.

Another suggestion is to get a pen and paper and express yourself in letters. This may help because your introverted and open dialogue may be hard for you.

I totally agree with Confused, he/she (sorry cant tell by post what gender you are, haven't been a member long enough to recognize everyone yet.
anywhoo agree that pen/pencil, paper is a wonderful very therapeutic way of expressing yourself, as Confused has stated you appear introverted, and I tend towards that trend my self, but with many trial and error efforts have slowly broken down that brick wall, and i am slowly but surely emerging from that introverted shell i kept myself in for so long especially late teen early 20s
I will say as a teen writing and journalizing, or just writing complete nonsense if what ever happens to pop in your head, greatly releases a lot of frustration, and in the years to come ( i peg you about my age? 44 ish?), as you look back at your writings, you will see how far you have come, and what you have achieved emotionally and physically. And it really does help you to be more open with your partner, as writing it down first, transfers it finally out of your mind on to paper, then from there it can slowly be transferred from your paper to your partner. Its a starting place, not easy, but worth a shot.
i understand your aspect completely on actions speak much louder than words.
And i myself suffer this myself, and can only truly express myself completely and honestly when i write or type, i I try to say my words to partner or anyone for that matter, I begin to get nervous and stutter, and the palms of my hand get sweaty.
I am currently going through an odd divorce, ad the only way i can communicate effectively with soon to be ex is to email, the feeling is mutual, he is very kind and expressive in his emails to me, and has very uplifting things to say to me, to help me through my day, via email.
So anyway wanted to share my thoughts, an find emailing is a very good beginning point to express your feelings at first, to where you than come to be able to say these in depth things more and more in person as time goes on.
Good luck, and i hope you find that happy medium to communicate with your partner, it take compromise form not just you but your partner as well