Soon to be divorced :(

Hi, i introduced myself in the welcome forum. But will go over a little background of me.
I have been married over 20 years. My situation is of one of a strange nature.
For the last 10 years of our marriage we had an open marriage , basically swingers, with some bi-sexuality going on, for both of us.
But I finally was over that type of lifestyle and no longer wished to participate in it for health and spiritual reasons, and i think this is the straw that broke the camel's back, so to say, why he has decided to end the marriage.
I am totally devastated to say the least, we are not been officially divorced yet, and he sees other women, which digs the knife deeper into my heart.
I just need kind words and support.
I have many physical/mental ailments which have also contributed in part to dissolving our marriage.
I likely have MS am currently under going testing, and a very severe form of IC (interstitial cystitis), its a disabling bladder condition, and i have been through every avenue to help lessen the symptoms to no avail. i am left taking a high dose of pain meds, and nerve meds, and relaxants, and without those meds, would not be able to live day to day.
We have two children, the oldest being an 18 year old boy, and a 13 year old girl who also presents with many disorders as well.
She was dx with autism at 3, but that has proven to be misdiagnosed, and we are currently seeking new updated dx of her issues. As she does many things an autistic person cannot do, one being lying profusely, most autistic people cannot easily make up fallacies and stories off the cuff like she can. But I know when she is lying because i know her so well, she is like an appendage of me.
Recently she made a video of her self reacting to a video on the internet. In reality when she first actually saw said video, my son told me she laughed and giggled all the way through it, not a typical reaction to video in question.
But the video she made of her self pretending to react to this certain video, was so convincing, that if she was not my daughter, I would have completely believed she was watching the video and that her reactions to it was genuine, she is that good of an actress, most autistic people cannot pull that off. she presents more with bipolar and ADHD, and tourettes, as she has tics which differ from the stims of autism. In early years I have learned that autism can completely mimic the exact same behaviors in children who have tourettes.
So that's my story in a nutshell, I do not present with much mania as my daughters does, i tend towards the clinically depressive end of the spectrum.
My husband denies having any issues.
Son has managed through his own will power to work through his bipolar/adhd issues on his own, and is completely competent w/o meds, and does quite well. I am amazed at how he has turned his life around. And a bit jealous at the same time, wishing I had that capability and will to do that as well.
Again I am here for support and to give support, as helping others tends to help me heal inside as well.
Peace...

Oh gosh. I'm so very sorry. Bless your heart, you certainly don't need this. What reason does he give for wanting a divorce? Does he still want to "swing?" With everything you have to cope with now as far as health issues, I think that's pretty shallow of him. Evidently, he doesn't remember the vows he took, huh?

And now you are dealing with serious issues with your daughter, and he's going to leave that all to YOU?? What is the matter with him? Does he have no sense of responsibility or any parental caring or love? He's really LOST it, hasn't he!

Dearheart, you definitely have MY support. You're going to need it. I just can't imagine what you're going thru right now. But if that's the kind of "man" he is, then perhaps you're better off without him.

I have to say tho that I've heard of this happening many times with people who "swing." Maybe that kind of open marriage isn't a very good idea? It seems that often it comes to this end. I'm sorry your marriage did too. Please stay here and keep posting -- and if you want to talk, feel FREE to private message me ANY TIME. I'm usually around. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Thank you Lee, i do need all the mental and physical support i can get, momentarily I have to go pick up my daughter from school, but either later tonight or in the am I will PM, a I do need some one to chat with, as i do feel so alone in all this.
Thanks for your kind uderstnadingof a very delicate and odd situation.

I have been married only 11 years, but "swinging" is one thing we have tried to fix our marriage as well. It blew up in our faces badly every time. Before I was diagnosed two weeks ago our conversation led right back to him and how his curiosity is killing him. When I told him I couldn't do it again he left for two days. Now I have a mental health diagnosis he is all about me, yet I don't quite feel it's genuine.

In the face of everything else you are dealing with I think you are amazingly strong to still stand up and say no to your husband. That gives me hope that I (in the midst of my confusion and fear) can also stand strong in that. I don't really know what to say to help you, but know that your story helped me today. Thank you.

Thank you Gill, I do hope that I not only receive support here, but genuinely give it as well, as helping others with similarities is very beneficial to ones own healing, and sorry you are experiencing similar difficulties, it does comfort me to know I am not the only one who is suffering these odd marital confusing scenarios.
i do not wish to portray my soon to be ex-husband as a slacker, and good for nothing, we both still love each other very much, but realize we have too many obstacles to over come to remain spouses, we do genuinely hope to achieve a strong close friend type of relationship, in which we really never had to begin with, it was from the beginning all about sex, sex, and more sex. And at the ripe old age of 23, he at 31, it seemed fitting at the time. But we all grow up and out of these type of activities someday.
Well at least I did,he cant let go of his lifestyle, and i can no longer live it.
He has been very good and generous throughout the 20+ years we have spent together, i will admit to him being quite verbally abusive at times, but almost always has apologized shortly there after.
i know we are doing the right thing divorcing to salvage any friendship that will hopefully develop down the road.
but this still doesn't take the sting and heart break, and devastation I am feeling away.
I do have enough insight to know that in time, all wounds will heal, this too shall pass.
But for the moment seeing past the next hour is extremely difficult to me.
We have two teen children, i believe i mentioned above with issues. So that along with probable MS dx, I have a lot on my plate, and to beat a dead horse into the ground will repeat, eating an elephant can be done, one bite at a time.
So its baby steps for all of us.
i think we all need each other to lean on here in these forums, where we are not being judged or condemned by in lnlaws or outlaws as my friend likes to call her Inlaws LOL.
My soon to be ex was and is an excellent provider and has never let this family down financially.
he is not perfect and occasionally admits to that. His strongest weakness besides the immortality of extra marital sex, is when he drinks, he becomes what I like to call a god complex, where he believes he is the authority on everything, when sober he is very kind to be around.
I could have even dealt with kinky fetishes, but the falling down drunk while trying to be intimate was a very big turn off for me.
But oddly enough he now has slowed way down on his drinking.
And will add that unlike previous bf's i have had in the very distant past,he has never ever missed a day of work regardless of his drinking habits, for that matter has never called in sick at all ever. He may occasionally pull a muscle at work ( he is a mechanic), and come home early, but not often.
He has recently achieved getting a cdl, which is no easy task, and remained sober for about 6 weeks, so he is capable of drinking far less then he does, he just doesn't wan't too.
He knows that if/when he lands a trucking job, his drinking will come to a screeching halt, as they will pop test him often for alcohol levels in his body. And he is OK with that. so who knows. ( he tries to put the blame of why he smokes and drinks on us (myself and our kids). But I experience just as much stress and don't smoke or drink, so he cannot in good faith blame us for his drinking habits, as when it comes right down to it, we are all responsible for our own actions as individuals.
He will throw in my face that i am on many medications, but they are not recreational, everyone of them is for a reason, and they keep me from being in a total constant state of misery and pain 24/7, both physically and mentally.
I feel he thinks I a less than because i need meds to stabilize mentally and physically, this is something out of my control, i have no choice, if I want to live any quality of life, i need meds to help achieve that.
Right now my biggest concern is how to support myself. Am going to apply for ssi the moment divorce is final( or does anyone have any clue if it matters if i wait til divorce is final or not, as any disability i hopefully will receive will be achieved solely on my on merits for working the last 30 years of my life, and they would not be going by his income at all, my friend strongly suggests i wait divorce is final, but i feel the sooner the better , the quicker i can achieve an approval, have tried in the past, but with non cooperative docs, except one psychiatrist offered a letter of recommendation for 50 bucks, which i think would b well worth it, and, as i have strong case of drs who will now back up my disabilities ( partly physical( leg paralysis and involuntary bowel leakage during night, and slowly losing the ability to drive, have to wait one more year til daughter can get permit, she can drive perfectly fine right now, but at almost 14, they will not offer her a learners permit at her young age,)partly mental with depressive severe anxiety panic disorder), so i have a strong case to work with. And if anyone is spiritual, God or not, please keep me and my family in your thoughts, prayers, what ever it is you do, to please keep us on your mind for healing for us all to begin starting now. husband prob not agree with me getting disability, like taking easy way out, and sponging society, but he does not know the knowledge of my pain. So i need others in my corner to help me achieve this goal. Oddly enough my crazy 18=teen son is all for it? go figure, kids???!!)
i do hope i can continue to be of help to any member here, and in return ask for just a kind word or two..peace...sheryl

I am not for certain how it is in your state. I do know when my sister went to file for divorce, she was able to begin a lot of paperwork for support help as well, so all that was being processed at the same time divorce proceedings were being processed. She was able to get assistance because her husband had left the home and no longer resided under the same roof.

Like I said, it may be different where you live. But I hope it gives you a little bit to look up to and a step to take to the goal of supporting yourself.

For what it is worth (HUGS)