Dazed and Confused

My husband of 21 years recently left. He said he needed space and did not want to be married anymore. Since leaving he has initiated outside relationships with other women. He does not know I know this as, I still have access to his cell phone bill. When asked he says he does not know what he wants to do. I am confused about the entire situation. Yesterday was our Wedding anniversary and no call or contact from him and today, Mother's Day he shows up at my home at 8:30am to take myself and our grown (college) kids out to breakfast. I don't understand what he wants. I need help with this roller coaster I am still on. Drinking has become a past time for me and I am not able to sleep. Help?

Hi ~ I'm so sorry this has happened, but please -- don't drink. As a recovering alcoholic, I can tell you that it does NOT make anything any better. In fact, it makes things worse. Not only that, but you NEVER know when you're going to cross that invisible line into alcoholism. Oh sure, you will tell me that "you can handle it." Well, that's what *I* said too! But lo and behold I ended up a full blown alcoholic! And I fought that addiction for 20 years before I got sober. Do you want that to happen? I doubt it. So please -- stop drinking before you cross that line. You have NO idea the guilt, shame and remorse that you'll find if you don't stop.

As far as your marriage, I certainly wouldn't be sitting around waiting for him to make up his mind. He's out dating like he was a bachelor! This is not only embarrassing for you, but it hurts too! How could he have just blown away your wedding anniversary? And gee, thanks for Mothers Day breakfast. But you're not his mother! Your kids should have taken you out, not him.

While you're waiting for him to make up his mind, why not file for legal separation? At least that way you'd have some LEGAL protection. For instance, he couldn't all of a sudden come home and tell you to get out of the house cause he was bringing some bimbo home with him!!! You need legal protection. So talk with an attorney and do it before HE does. Get some things set in stone!!! And don't be "nice" to him cause he hasn't been "nice" to you and he won't be if he sees an attorney either!!! God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Thank you for the advice about the alcohol. I will keep that in mind. I don't have alcohol in the house now and I will try and keep it that way.

I have thought about the legal separation. In truth he left almost a year ago. In our state I can file for divorce in 2 months. He continues to pay most of the bills in the house. Gives our children money and has told the children he does not know what to do. Saying this I realize that his actions oppose his words and told him so this morning, when we had to rescue my son who had car issues.

Everyone (my children, myself and his mom and dad) has asked him what will happen, but he is unable to say what. I asked him point blank about other interests (women) which he continues to deny. His statement is that he does not have time for another women as it brings complications. But the phone records don't lie. I know what I should do, but I am afraid to let go. It is hard to just stop loving someone. Deep down I know he has stopped loving me but reality is so hard.

I just don't know what I should do....I don't want to let go.

Honey, a legal separation is NOT a divorce. So you're not really letting go. BUT you ARE protecting yourself, which you NEED TO DO! Please don't let this go on any longer -- make SURE in the separation papers, that what he is doing NOW continues to be done!!! Also make sure that you get the HOUSE and that he PAYS for it!!!

Sooner or later you're going to have to face facts. He LEFT you -- and he's been messing around with lots of other women. The fact is, he's CHEATING on you, and he's doing it a LOT. Do you want a man like that? And how can you forgive that? Doesn't he remember the vows that said "til death do we part?" i dont' know about you, but I took those vows very solemnly and seriously! Once a man cheats and is forgiven he normally does it again. Check the statistics.

He doesn't care what he's done to you, or what he is continuing to do to you. It's all about HIM. When he says "he doesn't know what to do" and all that crap, it's total nonsense. He just doesn't have the NERVE to ask you for a divorce -- he's waiting for YOU to do it. What a jerk. It's time for you to get MAD. Mad that he threw you away after all those years. Mad that he's doing this in front of all your friends and family. Just plain MAD.

Believe me, I'd be filing for DIVORCE in a heart beat, and I'd take him to the cleaners!! But that's me. I'm Irish, and I would NOT let this man make a FOOL OF ME.

God bless you my friend. I know you're hurting, but this hurt is going to continue until YOU do something about it. Please take care and let us know what happens, okay? Big hugs, Lee

Not just the bimbo he's bringing home, but what about the diseases he could be bringing home, too. Graphic, yes, but it really is out there.

It hurts now, this I know. I agree with Leed, about not allowing them to make a fool of us, him of you, etc.

My ex still denies his own infidelities. Hmphhh. Just hmphhh.

21 years is a long time to have invested into a marriage/relationship. Mapping out the rest of your life, retirement, etc.

A man who cannot make up his mind?! Wow