[mardandew]

My husband of over 31 years, has recently had a mental breakdown of some kind. To make a long story short, he had been showing signs, (controlling, manipulating, screaming, not listening, etc., etc.), but because I loved him, I ignored them. My grown sons, two of whom live with us, on the other hand did not. In any case, he had a breakdown, cursed and screamed and got violent (first time). Had to call the cops and now have a civil restraint against him.

As a family, we had been discussing moving from New Jersey to California, to join my youngest son and start a new life (things were getting bad for us in NJ). Now I realize that my husband was just "yessing us to death" and was not really serious. In any case because of what happened, my two sons, my dad and I are going to join my son in California and begin our new life.

My problem is not that I am sorry that my husband will be alone, it's just that I can't believe what has happened. How do you start a new life in a new state when you have been devoted to (what turned out to be) a crazy man. My whole life was wrapped around him and my sons. I am so scared about the unknown. Will I be able to find a job (at 58, I've been looking for 18 months in NJ), will I every find happiness again? How can I stop trying to figure out what happened and move on? Why do I want so badly to get even with him for what he has done.

My three sons assure me that all will be well and that we will be fine as long as we stick together (they are my rocks) and I trust them completely. But I don't want to become a burden to them (even though they swear that would never happen).

How can I overcome this fear and realize that all will be ok? I am so worried about everything.

[gayleggg]

It will take time to adjust to all the changes you will be going through. I would trust my sons and take their advice, but consider seeing a therapist when you get to California to help you sort through all you feelings and stresses. Best wishes on your move.
Gayle

[kaliope]

im still trying to determine what kind of break your husband had. I mean, was he mentally ill, something he could not control and had a breakdown because of the pressure or are we talking domestic violence anger management issues here? im guessing the second. you have been violated and you are angry, thus the need to retaliate. leaving is retaliating. he has no one to cook and clean and shop and boss around anymore. and your new life is going to be scary, very scary. but you have your rocks. sounds like you raised three good kids. they aren't going to let anything bad happen to you. they will help you get on your feet. in the mean time, you get a therapist like gayle suggested to help you work thru your marriage and divorce and all the changes in your life. good luck.

[mardandew]

Thank you for your replies. I believe in my heart that all will be well and thank God that I did something right, raising these three great boys. They will help me get through it, I'm sure. Just some moments of angst, I guess, seem to have them every once in a while these past few days. Can't wait till this is all behind me and we are settled once and for all in our new life in California. Thanks again everyone.

[LostNAngry]

First off, I am sorry that you are probably going through one of the toughest times you could have ever imagined going through. I think you should really find a therapist to help
you sort out your feelings and to have someone that is on the "outside" of the relationship to discussed what happened with. That is a very long time to be with someone and then to wake up one day and be with someone you don't even recognized. I think you should also find out what has caused your husband to become the way he is now and WHY he was acting so out of it. I by no means am making excuses for him but I am just wondering if he has had something really bad happen to him to make him act out in a different way than normal. I wish you the best of luck and again sorry that you are feeling so much pain. I cant even imagine.

[Colorsoftherainbow]

my husband wants to divorce me after 22 years of marraige, I'm scared to death. I pray everything works out for you. Let me know what helped you. I dont know how to deal with this. I'm going to counseling and have a appointment to see a psychiatrist. this is going to be a long road.

[Inmediasres]

Thirty-one years is a long time, but it sounds like you are making the right decision. I have been married for 32 years and am facing a separation as well. Although my husband has never been physically abusive, he has been extremely controlling and verbally abusive. Like you, I am afraid of the unknown. I have not worked since my oldest son was small, so I have no skills to market.

One comfort that I do find is that I will have my children (I have 2 boys). Although I don't want them to think that they have to become the only source of my happiness, they really have been that to me since their birth.

Best wishes to you as you begin your new journey. I think you'll be telling yourself once all is said and done that you should have done this a while ago.

Originally Posted by mardandew

My husband of over 31 years, has recently had a mental breakdown of some kind. To make a long story short, he had been showing signs, (controlling, manipulating, screaming, not listening, etc., etc.), but because I loved him, I ignored them. My grown sons, two of whom live with us, on the other hand did not. In any case, he had a breakdown, cursed and screamed and got violent (first time). Had to call the cops and now have a civil restraint against him.

As a family, we had been discussing moving from New Jersey to California, to join my youngest son and start a new life (things were getting bad for us in NJ). Now I realize that my husband was just "yessing us to death" and was not really serious. In any case because of what happened, my two sons, my dad and I are going to join my son in California and begin our new life.

My problem is not that I am sorry that my husband will be alone, it's just that I can't believe what has happened. How do you start a new life in a new state when you have been devoted to (what turned out to be) a crazy man. My whole life was wrapped around him and my sons. I am so scared about the unknown. Will I be able to find a job (at 58, I've been looking for 18 months in NJ), will I every find happiness again? How can I stop trying to figure out what happened and move on? Why do I want so badly to get even with him for what he has done.

My three sons assure me that all will be well and that we will be fine as long as we stick together (they are my rocks) and I trust them completely. But I don't want to become a burden to them (even though they swear that would never happen).

How can I overcome this fear and realize that all will be ok? I am so worried about everything.

[mardandew]

Well it's been over a month and a half since my husband's breakdown and things have really changed. I am now in California with my three sons and my dad. We've been here since Monday, September 9th and have been staying the in house we rented without furniture, sleeping on air matresses and eating take out. That part is not so bad.

The bad part is that since about two weeks before we moved, my husband has been begging me to stay (through my son, of course, since I filed a civil restraint agreement). By the time, he realized that he really blew it big time, my plans had been set in motion. Clothes and belongings and everything had been loaded to be shipped. Lease had been signed for new apartment and all that goes with a move.

The big problem is this. I still love him and since this was the first real blow out like this and because of the stress and (I believe he was taking too many pills to try to help himself from being depressed) the breakdown he had, I don't want to just throw the 31 years together away.

Since I have arrived in California and technically (am not violating the restraint agreement since I'm no longer in NJ) I had been emailing him. Of course, he still feels he is the victim, because of the way my sons turned on him, but I honestly believe that he has no recollection of the things he said and did (because he was not in his right mind. We have agreed to try to work things out in the future. We both may have to go to counselling and we have a lot of work to do.

I told him in no uncertain words, that he is the reason I left and him only. I am willing to work at fixing our very broken relationship and he seems to be as well.

Since arriving in California (and even during the road trip out) I have been very unhappy. I feel like a fish out of water. California, to me seems to be for the younger (My sons' generation) and I am just not fitting in here. I miss the greenery in New Jersey, the forests, trees, my Atlantic Ocean and all the historical parks and recreation near my home. This place is so unfamiliar and different. The only good thing I like here so far is the weather. It stays at around 75 degree almost all year, according to my youngest son who has been living here for the past four years.

Am I crazy to want to go back home, or am I just a stupid, love-sick old women (age 58)? Perhaps it just the unfamiliarity of all of this. But I really do miss New Jersey. Any advice?

Both Home sick, heart broken, and just plain depressed over this whole situation.

Not to mention, that I feel like I am intruding on my sons' lives now. They are all grown and don't need to be taking care of their heartbroken old mother and 87 year old grandfather to boot. They three of them seem to love being here and together for the first time in four years. (They have always been very close and are closed in age as well).

I feel like I can never really have my own life here and really want to go back home. My sons just keep telling me to give it time, but I don't think that time will help, unless my husband comes here to stay with me as well, which, of course, it is too early to even ask him, although the topic had been brought up several times over the past four years, as he promised my younger son that he would like to move out here to be near him as well.

What to do? Scared, depressed, miserable and really homesick.