[oldlife_disrupted]

I know it's weird, considering how long I tried to get her to talk, get her to try marriage counselling, get her to stay…she refused all of it. She ripped the heart out of my chest and I never got a satisfactory as to why she couldn't even try. I'm starting to hate her for it.

I've spent the last 2 months feeling like I'm in an emotional freezer. Nothing moves, nothing changes and it only gets more and more uncomfortable.

The only time I feel like I might get some satisfaction is when I consider divorcing her for this. I'm stuck, broke and rejected. It just seems like
I won't get out of this mess until I sell the house and break ties with her…not that life will be great afterwards, just won't feel trapped and used by a person I thought I could trust.

[healingme4me]

A person can only give of themselves, so much. Is a marriage filled with resentment and animosity any better of a choice?

[winter4me]

Originally Posted by oldlife_disrupted

I know it's weird, considering how long I tried to get her to talk, get her to try marriage counselling, get her to stay…she refused all of it. She ripped the heart out of my chest and I never got a satisfactory as to why she couldn't even try. I'm starting to hate her for it.

I've spent the last 2 months feeling like I'm in an emotional freezer. Nothing moves, nothing changes and it only gets more and more uncomfortable.

The only time I feel like I might get some satisfaction is when I consider divorcing her for this. I'm stuck, broke and rejected. It just seems like
I won't get out of this mess until I sell the house and break ties with her…not that life will be great afterwards, just won't feel trapped and used by a person I thought I could trust.

I don't know if divorce will bring you any "satisfaction", but it is always a choice. You might want to write down the pros, and cons. Does she want a divorce?

[oldlife_disrupted]

She has no idea what she wants, or at least that's what she tells me. She assured me a few times she just wants a separation, not a divorce…but that could be just her hedging her bets.

She's always friendly on the phone. Told me twice she misses me, also told me she still loved me, hugged me a couple times but then she runs back to her rental and lives her life over there like a single person.

I have no idea what to make of this but even as I build a life of my own I hate this loneliness and rejection.

[Perna]

Yes, I would definitely see a lawyer and consider divorce. It does not sound like there is anything in this relationship for you? If you and she are building your own lives in your own spaces, you might as well be divorced.

[Open Eyes]

I can't really say what you should do because there isn't enough history about this woman who has suddenly chosen to distance from you.

It could be that she had been abused in the past and has developed some PTSD or avoidance that she can't explain or doesn't understand herself. Sometimes this can come about in a woman after she has been married for a while, it may be something "delayed" and she doesn't know how to talk about it or understand it herself.

Do you know if she has abuse in her history?

You talk about having your heart ripped out, well, it's probably nothing "you" did wrong and something "she" can't seem to deal with and may need help.

Well, you don't have enough history IMHO for me to tell you just to go and see a lawyer.

OE

[oldlife_disrupted]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I

Do you know if she has abuse in her history?

OE

I don't think she was abused by her parents but she did grow up around violence and she was a teen mother and she is a cancer survivor…but wouldn't she have brought this up and just gone to therapy? Why would a person just become secretive and leave?

[winter4me]

Hard to say. Maybe she doesn't know herself. Might be time to at least set a time limit on the separation; just let her know you can't live in limbo, and either the relationship is actively worked on, or it ends.
Children involved?

[oldlife_disrupted]

Yes, 2 kids and 2 step kids (I'm the step father, step son lives with me full time) otherwise I would probably have gone full no contact and moved on with my life.

I'd love to discuss a time limit with her but my therapist says all that'll do is pressure her and most likely drive her away or push her into coming back before she's ready.

I guess what I'm hearing is it's too soon to tell. That's good enough for now I guess.

Thanks for the feedback, appreciated.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by oldlife_disrupted

I don't think she was abused by her parents but she did grow up around violence and she was a teen mother and she is a cancer survivor…but wouldn't she have brought this up and just gone to therapy? Why would a person just become secretive and leave?

No, not necessarily, it could be that she doesn't really "know" what she wants/struggles or why she needs to be separated.

How old is she if you don't mind my asking?

[oldlife_disrupted]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

How old is she if you don't mind my asking?

She's 41.

[Open Eyes]

Ok, 41 and she has two children and grew up around violence. Well, she is at the age where women begin going through menopause so her hormones could be changing, she should have her hormones checked, some women have a really hard time with menopause.

How old are her two children? Did she have a previous marriage?

[oldlife_disrupted]

The oldest are young adults. She wasn't married to their father, it was a bad relationship and once she stopped harassing hm to support his kids he disappeared.

She went to the doctor about symptoms, she's peri menopausal but because she's a cancer survivor she can't take any medications for that.

IMO, go for the divorce. I'm 42, was married 17 years. My therapist gave me great advice: decide if you want to stay in the marriage. if you do, get in marital therapy NOW and work together on it. otherwise, get OUT now.

I wish you the best.