Final straw

I left my H 7 years ago....with my finally kicking him out of my new farm 6 1/2 years ago when I tried to give him a chance in a new environment 2100 miles from where we had lived...the move there the previous 6 months for me had been enlightening & I had realized just how much I couldn't stand living with him after 33 years of horrible life together. I hid out the first 15 years in my college degree & my engineering career...then the last 13, I ended up trapped in the bad marriage I should have gotten out of while I could have.

Right after I kicked him out, I got a letter from the IRS (from our mail that I still had forwarded to my farm).....10 months before he had received a letter from them that he never told me about & never even contacted them about.....so I ended up negotiating with them & working out a payment plan & getting all the penalties removed........

Just 2 years ago I found out that he had stopped paying the property taxes then quit making the house payment that I was still on. It was at that time I realized that I really needed to get a divorce before he destroyed me completely financially (his irresponsibility financially was one of the major reasons I left in the first place among his inability to communicate & when he did communicate it was usually lies to cover up stupid things he did).

The lender called me about his not making payments.....& that was when I found out....& tried to contact him about what in the world was going on......almost 1 1/2 years of not paying property taxes & over 1 year of not paying the house payment & he couldn't account for the money that he hadn't spent.....it was ALL GONE & he was still struggling to make the house payment on time once they renegotiated the loan.....sadly, my name couldn't be taken off the loan even though I quit claimed the property over to him.....I have my farm & I got the money that I loaned him out of the refi that was done on the home.....so no problem....I own my farm all paid for after my mother died....I sold her home & took my inheritance & used that to LEAVE HIM.....something he thought I would never do.

Fast forward to just a few weeks ago.....I had overpaid a bit on the IRS when they finally removed the penalties....so I get this federal government check for the refund amount...made out to both of us just as it had been on the tax return. I sent it by certified letter to make sure he didn't ignore signing it....got it back only to find out that I can't deposit it except in a joint bank account & no check cashing place will cash it unless both are present (he's 2100 miles away). So I call up our joint account & find out that the account he's using has been running at $1600-2000 overdrawn every month & he's living on the overdraft charges they charge for every check that comes in while it's overdrawn. When his disability check comes in....the next day he takes out his large sum of cash for the month just to the point where it's goes into overdraft.....so I can't even cash the check through our joint account unless I'm able to hit that very small window when the account is positive.

Several other very bad choices he's made over the years.....his parents gave him money for a car after the car I left him broke down & quit running.....so he goes out & buys a gas guzzler camero then complains about how much his cost of gas is...then while not paying his property taxes & not paying the house payment....he goes out & gets a title loan on that camero at around 300% interest because he doesn't want his bank account to go into overdraft....which he kept doing anyway......then the camero quits running & he goes out & buys a NEW car because then allowed him to qualify for it.....yea, they let you qualify, knowing that if you default...they get the car back anyway....how stupid can he be.

Everyone at the CU has been wonderful at helping me see exactly what's been going on.....it's also brought to light just how financially irresponsible he is. However over the last 6 months....I have been doing a lot of research on aspergers & looking back & seeing just how it applies to everything that was a problem in our marriage. When the IRS situation came up....his/my pdoc wrote the IRS a letter saying that there was more wrong with him than just the ADD, but that he needed a neurological exam to determine what was going on that he never followed through with. So with all this evidence put together through my research.........

I decided to call Adult Protective Services from 2100 miles away to alert them to the fact of just how bad off he is financially & how irresponsible he is to take care of himself....filed a report on him. I have long been out of his life for 7 years.....& I looked back at the money from the refi.....while I was doing all his bills during that time & have proof that I was spending the money on paying his bills until the money ran out.....after I got the money that was mine out of it.

When I left....I left everything I owned still in California with him....I basically took nothing & really have no way of getting the things in the first place. So when the divorce is finalized....he basically has everything & what little I got out of the refi over what I had loaned him to make repairs on the house....was basically a small amount of payment & not even 50/50 of what our marriage had accumulated over the 33 years in things.....there was NO money left after he totally blew it & paid everything on credit after I lost my engineering career & ended up in major depression.....he was unable to handle our finances during that time & we should have filed bankruptcy but he just never got around to it.....so all the IRA's were gone before I ever left him in the first place. Shoot, I still have cloths left there that I didn't end up bringing in the small moving van I drove across the country a few months after I bought my farm....& NO furniture...I have been living in my farm with absolutely NO furniture for 7 years....I have my bed that I had bought, a coffee table & a rocking chair, 2 night stands & a couple of end tables while everything else was left in Calif.

I was actually struggling with the divorce because I honestly don't remember much of what I left in Calif after 7 years & he wouldn't take photos so that I could write down the things that I might want to claim if I ever get out there in the first place. Sometimes I think that just getting the divorce through without dealing with stuff is really the smartest thing to do....but my lawyer wants me to at least have something in writing that gives me claim to certain things. Most of the furniture is too heavy & too big to move that far in the first place. Dealing with him has been a total nightmare & from the very beginning I refused to do anything that wasn't in writing so all our communication was either through text (which I transcribed) or email......& there has been very little communication on his part in the first place.

Dang guy was there when my horse was put down & he didn't even bother to tell me....I found out on facebook the following monday morning when my horse trainer posted about it....she had assumed that when he was there & on the phone that he was talking to me about it.....which he wasn't. His total inability to communicate in any reasonable manor throughout our marriage.....leads me more & more to the assumption that aspergers has played a serious roll in his part of the failed marriage....but at least I can understand the reason now & not just that he was being a total jerk....even though it's how that behavior comes across anyway. It doesn't change how I feel about him or how I ever felt about him throughout our marriage that was nothing but constant fighting.....our marriage was actually over before it ever began as there were issues before I got married that I actually had told my mother that I changed my mind & I didn't want to get married to him afterall.....serious issues that were the final issues that I left him for after 33 years of trying to deal with it.

Anyway....right now, I'm waiting to see what the social workers come up with from the APS report I filed against him....my hope is that they force an evaluation & will push for getting him a conservator over his estate (finances) so that he will have to quit digging his hole deeper & deeper. While at the same time....I'm not sure quite how to approach out daughter with this information....& when I talked to his pdoc (who had been mine before I left) he asked me to write up my concerns & fax them to him (that way everything is in writing) for him to go over also. It would have been nice if his parents cared enough to help with information from his childhood & how aspergers might have shown up then without their actually realizing it looking back....but they are angry with my leaving him & when I told then that their son has serious problems after the IRS situation & that they needed to be aware of the fact that there was more wrong with him than just the ADD....then never responded but commented to him in an email that I got hold of....that he was the saint for having put up with me for all those years through my depression & suicide attempts (yep.....it's only been over the 7 years after I left him that I realized exactly why I had those suicide attempts & it wasn't all because of my loss of career.....it was because I didn't see any other way out of my bad marriage I felt trapped in with a husband who couldn't take care of anything when I was unable to). I had no idea that my mother was going to die of cancer & I was going to get everything & be able to sell her house for enough to outright purchase my farm that I had always dreamed of having.......so I am thankful that God kept the suicide attempts from being successful as they actually should have been several times.

I desperately want to get this divorce finished.....but at the same time, I want to make sure that he is taken care of through a conservatorship because I know he can't take care of himself....it's way more than obvious after 7 years.....I only have my disability money left at this point...everything else I put into my farm & my truck & I save up before I buy anything while he impossibly is digging his hole deeper & deeper when it comes to finances by continually making very unwise choices because I don't think he's capable of making wise choices especially given the distinct possibility that aspergers is what is the controlling force in his life.

In sickness & in health.....but I just don't want my life destroyed by having to continue to live with him or around him......sadly, he's made his choices & he has to live with those also.....I have made my choices....& I am surrounded now by the most wonderful people & friends...who are more like family than I ever experienced in my whole life before now....I have never been happier even through the difficult times I still have......I have people who care & who will stand by me......what I would have expected from a H but never had....so I am better off with no one & living by myself....& maybe some day finding someone who really does care & who I can care about also....but I fear that after all the bad experiences, I would be too afraid or unable to care for someone that close in my life....as I came from totally dysfunctional parents when it came to emotional caring into a marriage with a H who was totally incapable of emotional caring.....so I honestly don't know if I would have the ability to care or not & would definitely NOT want to get into a marriage that I would be the one who ended up destroying it.

I think living along & having close friends who care from outside of my inner life....is the best thing for me. I have no problem living alone with my eskie dogs....they give me all the company I need or really want at this point in my life....besides the fact that I still need to get the divorce resolved in the first place anyway....& that's going to be more stress than I really want also after I see what happens with the APS report & their contact with him face to face.

I asked what happens if he's able to BS them.....they assured me that the social workers are trained in that kind of stuff....lol....we will definitely see what comes of this....but it was something that I felt was seriously necessary while everyone else around him including himself is in denial that there is anything wrong....except for what I know his pdoc knows....but couldn't get him to act on either.......hopefully I will be able to get something to happen through this action that will be in his best interest....while still achieving getting my divorce finalized.

You have been through a lot. I'm glad you have your farm and the Eskies. I know you love them very much and they can be great support and comfort. I'm glad you have found friends around you.

I hope you get your divorce soon so you can get past the issues of your EX. You will know longer have to deal with him and his problems. Reducing your stress level. After 24 years of marriage I broke free. Best thing I ever did for me and my self-esteem.

Best wishes too you.

Still waiting to hear from the Social Workers.....haven't organized the letter to H to get cooperation in cashing the IRS check....but have worked it through in my mind...just need to get it down into an email.

Thank heavens I have demanded that EVERYTHING be in writing since I left 7 years ago.....the first 6 months I hadn't really left, but I had already emotionally.

I thought it odd after 33 years that he never did communicate during those 6 months.....but I wonder if that's an asperger's thing also...out of sight out of mind.....he wasn't out of my mind, but it was such a relief to have him OUT of my life that I didn't bother communicating other than to express the things that were necessary for the marriage to work out....& I never got responses to anything I sent either.......communication was never part of the marriage.....& that IS an asperger's thing.

Sad that they didn't even Dx asperger's until 1994...but that's life......with his attitude, he wouldn't have done anything to work on making life work anyway.....it's sad to say that it's such a relief being away from him after 33 miserable years.....& I can't wait until I do get the divorce finalized. I am wondering if it will be easier getting help for him being separated rather than divorce right now.....but divorce is the only thing that is safe financially with someone that irresponsible if they don't get a conservatorship over him.

Have taken a break to work in my yard & cleaning my house after all the time I spent focusing on the financial issues....I need some ME & MY FARM time....& I got to go trail riding this afternoon to take a mental break from everything also....

Also thinking that maybe it will be easier if he does get a conservatorship over him to work with on the divorce as he doesn't have money for a lawyer & across state lines he can just choose NOT to agree to the things that I state & just NOT sign...so then the only thing my lawyer can to is file in the local paper there that the divorce is going throug.....but it doesn't take care of the assets stuff.......dang, it's so complicated trying to get a divorce from someone who is NOT mentally all there expecially when it comes to communicating & he makes his mind up to something & that's the way it is in his world & doesn't negotiate because he isn't capable of negotiating mentally.

Why did I ever allow myself to go through with the marriage????? I never thought that anyone could be worse in some ways than even my father. It was hell for 33 years.....& the last 7 even though I have not had to live with him has been hell trying to deal with the messes that he's caused.

Have been thinking about this a lot lately......I have been going through all the asperger's information I can get my hands on & everything just is 100% explanatory of H's behaviors throughout those bad 33 years of marriage.

It's sad that his behaviors came across to me as abusive.....when in reality....his behavior & lack of ability could show up in such an abusive way......financially & in the lack of emotional closeness. He fought making any changes that would make the marriage better...he would say he was trying but I would SEE NOTHING.

There is NO WAY I could ever go back to a marriage with him....but it's sad that he wasn't capable of being a real partner H.

I would have rather have NEVER married than to have spent those years with him. I'm not sure if it was just aspergers that effected his personality in such a negative way. But I was also confused because he could be so nice in such a naive way & then turn around & be so impossible to live with......it was like living in Hell.....but looking back & realizing that it was most definitely aspergers aspects of his personality that made him so impossible to live with.

Ugh, I wish I'd never been married....life would have been so much better alone as it is NOW. I find such relief being away from him....& yet his behavior & financial irresponsibility still haunt me because I just got to the point where I could get the divorce going again.

Sometimes I wonder if I look like the bad guy because I leave a person who can't take care of himself.....but dealing with him & fighting him was getting to be way too much for me......& looking back, feeling trapped in that marriage was the REAL trigger to my suicide attempts all those years....not laying blame on him....but the being trapped with no way out of the marriage. Now that I have found my freedom....I could NEVER go back to that life....it's hard enough fighting the things that keep hitting me now.

There is only so much tolerance we can have for one person in our life...& even if it's something he really can't change (I was angry at him because I thought he was just being a horrible jerk).....it's still something I can NO LONGER live with.

I believe in marriage in sickness & in health.....but I also found out that he couldn't take care of anything when I was the one who was sick.....he totally destroyed us financially during that time because he couldn't communicate & he couldn't negotiate & he couldn't take care of controlling finances.

Since I left it's become even more obvious that he's incapable of financially taking care of himself.....with an overdrafted checking of $16000+ for over 2 years.....& continuously making bad decisions without discussing it with anyone because if he thinks it in his mind than it's gotta be OK.....& he can't think through more possible solutions at one time.

UGH, I've been going through past emails from & to him.....& I can see just how disconnected from reality his mind really is. & to think I knew this problem existed before I ever got married, I just didn't understand or recognize what I was seeing at the time.

Why OH Why did I ever get married in the first place????

Strange because he wants a divorce so he can clear his debt with bankruptcy......think it's cleared anyway by the passage of more than 10 years.....as long as he doesn't do something stupid (which one never knows with him what he might do). He has always needed someone to take care of him financially. I tried to force him to do it under my supervision when we were married but he continued to insist on getting more & more into debt with spending money he never had (even before we got married....that was another red flag I saw)

Over the years my dislike for him built constantly.....but how can you dislike someone when it's NOT THEIR FAULT their behavior is the way it is????? But I don't like the behavior....I never did & I was going to call off the wedding before it ever happened....but that's what I get for bothering to ever listen to a mother who never knew what wisdom was either.

Dang...if only I had listened to that little inner voice.....life could have been SOOOOO DIFFERENT.

I never cheated during our marriage.....but I always communicated with others outside of the marriage or didn't communicate & didn't realize what I was missing until I left him......I am just starting to see what more NORMAL lives are like.....& I am seeing just how dysfunctional our marriage was & just how abnormal H always was.

I love being single & alone & really have NO DESIRE to have any s/o ever in the future.....if there ever is one they will have to knock me over the head with a baseball bat to get my attention.

I had no friends when I was married & living with him.....now I have many wonderful friends & I am realizing that I wasn't the one who had the abnormal issues in our marriage.

Since aspergers is a spectrum syndrome.....I am sure that there are many that are more functional in marriage than others. It's sad that back in the 50's when he was born that aspergers wasn't even known about & not Dx'ed until 1994.....& his parents did a lot of moving around during his grade school years.....so he never could make close friends if he's been able to....but it also covered up his inability to relate to other kids by providing an excuse for it

His parents commented at my mother's funeral that he needed to sort out his own life & even when I wrote to them about the IRS situation & the fact back in 2008 that he seriously needed support & direction but that I could NO longer be there do to the marriage issues that were taking me to divorce.

I don't like him....but I also don't want to see him destroy himself....I want to see him provided the help that he needs.....& he desperately needs help....but with the negative feelings that have been bred during the marriage....I am definitely NOT the one to provide anything except for pushing in the areas possible from 2100 miles away that I can to get him the help that he needs.

I have been married to a man who acts exactly as you describe! How in the world do I figure out what has made him keep his head in the sand re finances ALL THESE YEARS??? Bigger question, for me anyway, is does it really matter at this point? I wish you freedom!!!!!! Good luck.

Yes, the thought is what does it matter at this point...I JUST WANT OUT.....but my heart even though I never loved him as a husband....wants to make sure that some care is put in place for him as he's digging his financial hole & he himself is NOT capable of handling himself. I realized that my engineering career kept going & I allowed him to do the credit thing rather than fight him......until I had to in order to get into a 2nd new home & get out of the home owner's association we first lived in.

But when my depression took over after I lost my engineering career....he had to take over paying the bills.....& it's obvious even now that he can't stop spending money on things he doesn't need or aren't necessities of life even though he now no longer has my income & he is on disability also.

I have a budget & when I need to live on beans & rice....or no food at all....I can do it.....just always make sure my dogs have food. I have cut my expenses, got my property taxes lowered, & my insurance lowered & my phone bill as low as it can go & still have a working smart phone (which now is costing me less than my stupid phone did a year ago). But he doesn't have the capability to make those kind of changes in his life even when I direct him to do them.....he's completely LOST in SPACE.....or in the way his mind doesn't work.

Honestly I was so angry at him for treating me the way he did for those 33 years.....I truly hated him. My life has been so much better since I left....I am actually realizing that I am a normal person....& that I was living with someone who wasn't....it wasn't ME that was the problem...but I thought that he was totally choosing to be a jerk & an idiot & abusive in so many ways.....until I realized that there IS a REASON. It doesn't make it OK....but I just know that it wasn't him intentionally HURTING ME....so in return....& for a divorce gift....I want to make sure that he is taken care of with a conservator....or someone who he has to answer to for the money he spends......he is very pathetic when I look at his situation from 2100 miles away....glad that I don't have to be any closer.....

I probably don't have to care & maybe there is a little bit of me involved in wanting the conservator because then it will be easier to handle the divorce.....& I need to get a $200 tax check cashed that has both our names on it....but it's my payment for all the work I did to save his rear for messing my in inheritance tax return (he didn't do it on purpose,,but it was another case of him knowing he knew what he was doing & instead of asking anyone....why would you ask when you know it all????

Just one more of his irritating traits that probably is just from his strangly put together mind. NOne of the other MI labels ever fit like this one does. He really is a very nice...naive person.......& does nice things because it's what you are supposed to do.......while the rest of his thinking so so broke in relating to others....that it's pretty much NON-existant.

I broke the ties between us years ago......but that's exactly when he totally fell apart & couldn't take care of himself.....then according to information, he has a older man living with him who can't take care of himself either & is a mental case.....but I can definitely try my best to get him the support & help that he desperately NEEDS as my parting gift.

He may not see it that way....but I don't care...it's what is in his best interest & that's what counts.

Yep sounds like he's a mess! Just stand your ground about the conservator, it really sounds like he needs the help. I hope you can pull it off from that far away. My husband recently was diagnosed with cancer, so I guess I'm in it until the end now. Not much else I can do!