[portlandiagirl]

Hi all,
Thank you for taking the time to read my post.
After years of trying to make my marriage work, things have escalated to the point where divorce is the only (or at least the best) option.
A little background:
Married for just over 7 years, 2 children ages 6 and 2. My husband has been professionally diagnosed as NPD. Finding this out and working my own therapist has really been an eye-opening experience for me. I have realized that there's nothing I can do to make this relationship work if he doesn't think there's anything he needs to change (and of course, given the NPD, he thinks it's all my fault). The emotional and psychological abuse has substantially escalated in the last few months. He has told me he hates me in front of the kids; called me names such as lazy, irresponsible, etc., in front of the children; has drained our finances including opening credit cards and taking out loans without my prior knowledge. He threatens me with divorce and tells me I need to find another place to live frequently, he even went to the courthouse and got divorce papers and told me to sign them. This is an intimidation technique I've come to realize, and he has no intention of actually following through. I stay home with the children so I have no income of my own - he controls all the money and doles out some to me as he deems appropriate.
So, I finally made the decision to divorce him. I borrowed money from my parents and am working with an attorney. The papers will be filed today and my plan is to tell him tonight. The kids will be with my mom and I've asked my dad to come over when I tell my husband as I am concerned about his reaction (this was recommended to me by my therapist as well).
Here's what I would love some input on from other people who have experience in this area: any ideas what I can expect in the next few days/weeks? I have the option to file a petition with the court to essentially kick him out of the house but still have the bills paid (otherwise he is under no legal obligation to leave). I am thinking I need to take this step, but it could still be a few weeks before that would take effect as the courts are overloaded presently. I am planning on staying with my mom for at least a few days, but she lives rather far and it will significantly impact the kids' lives (especially the eldest with his school) to stay there.
Any thoughts/advice/etc. from anyone who's been here would be SO appreciated! Thank you!!

[Travelinglady]

Hello, portlandiagirl, and welcome! I have not had this experience, but maybe someone will come along eventually you will. Remember that folks with this disorder are Johnny one notes: "mi, mi, mi," (me, me, me). So you can expect him to likely be angry that you are making the first move. Maybe even a "how dare you want to divorce ME" attitude. And blame you for everything. He will likely make things difficult for you, perhaps fighting the divorce, but I am not sure. And, of course, trying to keep you from getting anything decent in the settlement.

Again, I am guessing, though, since I have not experienced this situation. Best wishes, dear one. Hold firm and protect yourself and your children.

Please keep us informed.

[portlandiagirl]

Thank you, Travelinglady, for your thoughtful response.
I told my husband on Thursday that I filed for divorce. He took it better than I imagined he would (thank goodness because my imagination can really run wild!). And you were exactly right - it was all about him. He tried to make me feel guilty -that he has no where to go (not true, just no where he WANTS to go). Then he decided that he was too upset to spend the day with the kids as he had planned to do, disappointing them. For now, though, I feel a bit of relief. I think when he gets served with the papers (sometime this week) that things could change.
Thank you again.

[hvert]

As the child of an NPD father, I can't tell you how much better our lives became once my mother finally divorced my father. I wish she had done it years earlier - living with with a narcissist really damaged my sense of what 'normal' behavior is.

I have not been in your situation, but I wonder what your lawyer thinks about you leaving the house for a few days. I am thinking about your husband changing the locks while you are away.

I hope that he just goes away. My experience of narcissists is that many of them prefer to be the dumper rather than the dumpee and will try to make it look as it if is their choice to leave.

Originally Posted by portlandiagirl

I told my husband on Thursday that I filed for divorce. He took it better than I imagined he would (thank goodness because my imagination can really run wild!).

He hasn't taken it at all , he ignored what you said as he has the " Power " here , not you.

Welcome to the " Mind Games " part that never ends , to punish you later on .

My advice is protect yourself " Always " from him now , never be alone with him without witnesses , change the locks , phone numbers .etc

He will use every manipulative trick in his toolbox to regain control over you and poison your friends too.

Not all Narcissists are Psychopaths , but all Psychopaths are Narcissists.

[healingme4me]

How's things? Advise, don't trust his words. Accept that he'll bash you behind your back, and live in truth that his lies of you, are just that. Lies.

[portlandiagirl]

Hi everyone, thanks for checking in on me healing4me.
Much of what you guys predicted has come true. He moved out of our house and in with his parents for the time being. Of course, as you all thought, this is all my fault -even though he has been the one throughout the relationship to continually threaten divorce. When I pointed this out to him he changed his tune a little bit - it became my fault for using a lawyer when, according to him, we could have handled this ourselves. He tried to blame me for him having to live with his parents, saying that living with them is a threat to his sobriety. Luckily I have done a lot of personal work around not accepting responsibility for his sobriety and I am able to not take that on. His sobriety is HIS responsibility, not mine! (Oh, and maybe if he hadn't been so irresponsible with the money he could afford to live somewhere other than his parents house!)

The biggest issue I am dealing with right now is his behavior in front of the kids. He continues to put me down and say negative things (and use an angry tone) when speaking to me in front of the kids. Luckily our interactions in front of the kids are relatively minimal. For example, this morning when he came to pick up the kids, he walked into the house and the first thing he said to me was "The house smells like *****. You really should clean it, it looks and smells terrible. It's disgusting." I have a chicken cooking in the crockpot, which is the smell he smelled and as far as the house being a mess...yes, there are toys all over the floor but the house is CLEAN - it's just not tidy. People with kids know what I'm talking about! This comment sent me into a tailspin after they left and I doubted my ability to single parent, whether I am doing the right thing...all kinds of stuff. But then I realized this was just another way he tries to disregulate me. I need to work on not letting him affect me this way.

My 6 year old is in counseling which I'm hoping will help him process some of these issues. His therapist (my son's) met my husband once and just from that meeting was able to pick up on a lot of the narcissism issues - this was the very first meeting we had with her, I had not spoken to her previously to this about this. It amazes me that other people can see these things with my husband when I was so blind to them for so long. Yes, they are mental health professionals, but still.

I am doing my best to protect myself - documenting everything that seems important. My attorney has drafted a temporary support and custody motion which will provide me with a bit of legal security. Of course if he chooses to disregard that order nothing can really stop him so I have contingency plans in place in case he stops paying the bills (e.g. moving in with either my mom or my dad).

Thank you again - I will keep updating. I appreciate everyone's input. It really helps to have your support and insight into what might be coming. I am the type of person that likes to be prepared for any scenario and so it really helps!

[Fuzzybear]

[nicoleflynn]

I divorced one of those 12 years ago, after 31 years of misery, and then I found the "key"----no response; when they disrespect you, etc (as in the house thing); they want to drag you into a stupid argument. They don't care what you think or feel, so any communication about thoughts, feelings, etc...is wasted on them; the only care about their own feelings. I never found a way to stop how I felt when hurt, but I DID find a way to NOT responding to disrespect; when you do that (you "feed") the vampire; they need a constant "fix" of you explaining yourself...that is the secret........ responding to insanity just validates the abuser. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.

Abusers are excruciatingly INsecure.

[SoulTriangle]

This sounds all too familiar!!! I have two young children who were 6 and 3 when I finally left...Divorce was final this December after 3 years (Kids now 9 and 6) of continued issues with manipulative tactics-some successful, some not, leading to the stalling, postponement, renegotiation.... Then, after 5 times in court (2 for mediation related to child access schedule - I had to give him 50% custody), and 3 dates at settlement court (He did not want to provide me with anything from his secret pot of finances, so I sucked a lot up, but had a good lawyer who did not give up getting fairest deal for me possible) we were officially divorced. Since I make more money, I did give up any right to a lot that I could have in the future, but decided I didn't care because it was going to FINALLY be over! If we didn't settle then, we would have had to go to expensive trial and all records he never provided would have been required..... He didn't want that!
along the path toward divorce (and before, of course) there was also abusive language, anger, resentment, taking no responsibility - its' all me, of course because it couldn't possibly be him (we tried 3 different couples counselors prior to separation and he had a reason why each one was not qualified to help us!), lies, financial withholding, and worst of all NO FILTER for how to behave and what to say in front of the kids!! They are doing okay...My older child - 9 year old boy, has been in counseling for anger management and dealing with anxiety, but he's making progress. Younger daughter seems less affected.
I did not mean to write so much! Hopefully some of it is helpful.

[pnw1]

Been divorcing one of those for 2 years , you ll be better off without him/her