[tobevisible]

I am in this situation now where my husband wants to separate after 16yrs marriage. We have two young kids. My husband earns a good living but has put us in debt due to his lavish spending. Recently he made us relocate 3x for work and I haven't worked for the last five years. We moved again where I could work again but by this point he had two affairs, burnt family bridges and asked to separate. He bullied me to put our house up for sale and go hire a lawyer because he didn't want to be seen as responsible for the separation although he initiated it. I went to a lawyer to protect me and the kids as I was not working. I am now but I make 1/3 of his salary and cannot get credit for a home, car as I am on contract. It's very messy. We live in the same home because we can't afford two homes. We even share a bed. But we have stopped being intimate as of our separation date which is 3 weeks now. He tries to get intimate with me and I tell him NO if we you have no desire to stay married and we are separating as per your wish I will not be intimate. He gets angry and packs his bags (3 occasions) to move out. He never does though. It's a game for him. He threatens to stop paying bills, etc too. Trying to see it from his perspective, I think he wants back but he's so ashamed with his actions that he would rather not apologize to me, family, the kids and would rather go ahead and divorce. He is very proud and egotistical. I just find it very hard to pursue the separation being in the same home especially when I have to discuss financials with him and he freaks out because he doesn't want to pay me anything although he legally has to. I remind him this is his decision, he made decisions and actions and they all have consequences. Good luck to everyone.

[Travelinglady]

Hello, tobevisible, and welcome to Psych Central! Wow, that is a mess. See if he is interested in trying some marriage counseling. If you are willing to forgive him, which would be hard, maybe there could be some hope--especially if he wants to share a marriage bed.

He needs therapy, that's for sure. But can you find some funds to see a therapist a bit yourself to talk about the situation?

[eskielover]

Similar sounding to the situation I was in but we owned a huge house & I had my own bedroom so I didn't have to sleep in the same bed.....honestly I would have slept on the floor before sleeping with him....but that's just me. We lived like that for 13 years before I was finally able to get out after my mother died & my inheritance paid for my way out of the marriage....but because of his messing up with the IRS on the taxes for my inheritance......7 years I have lived 2100 miles away but haven't been able to push through the divorce until now that the IRS payments are over.

Personally I wouldn't mess with someone like him who is so financially messed up....it's likely that he will just end up destroying your life financially in the long run & you will have more headaches than it's really worth to waste time with someone like that.

My H was always bullying with something financial when I went to him wanting to get a divorce....first it was...I'm not selling the house......then just lately, even with divorce being 50/50 & he's actually ended up with everything I have ever owned (I left everything when I moved 7 years ago).....& when I started discussing the asset dissolution for the divorce.....He demanded that his retirement fund was NOT ON THE TABLE....& I was to leave that ALONE......I graciously told him to get a lawyer & our lawyers would discuss it.

Well, he's been living on the overdraft payments to cover his bills....so it's obvious why he demanded I leave the retirement fund along......don't let the guy bully you.....let your lawyer guide you & if your H doesn't have a lawyer.....let yours protect you to the best of his ability & don't let your H get away with anything...as the possibility of his destroying you financially in the end is just so very real......it's not worth it to stay in marriages like that where you can't trust the guy even financial infidelity is just as bad as relational infidelity & it destroys trust.....& you can't have a working marriage where there is NO TRUST.

Even if you were to have counseling....I doubt that your H would even grasp the concepts being offered.....from my personal experience.....I would say...get the divorce & get on with your own life.

[healingme4me]

I see you mentioned trying to see it, from his perspective, in your OP.
Is this, to gain an edge legally or because you, deep down, desire reconciliation, and to understand his current irrational mindset, you can help him, fix this? Or other, internal motivations?
I ask, it's very common, in relationships, to want to fix what's broken, and get it back to where it was.

If you, truly desire, to follow through, he or you, can always pick the couch, until such time the home is sold and assets divided up.

Living under the same roof, can create possible emotional and physical danger, even if he's never been violent before. Plus, if children are involved, sends a very confusing message.

I know it's tough to start all the way down back at the bottom of the barrel, but climbing up, without such messy luggage, isn't as long, nor emotionally draining as many might expect. It's possible. Swallowing pride, to gain independence and peace of mind, leads to greater pride than conceivable.


Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk