Finally able to push the divorce through

It's been a long 7 years.....but I finally got the IRS paid off needing to use our joint account (because I didn't trust him to make the payments)......& I finally got the IRS overpayment check cashed.....that was a nightmare.

Living 2100 miles away from him.....this IRS situation has been a challenge......the check being an "and", I got him to sign it....but my bank wouldn't cash it because I don't have a joint account & no check cashing place would cash it unless he was right there with his ID

Which caused me to call our credit union to find out the state of our joint account & find a credit union local to where I live that does business in conjunction with them. The first year issues after I left was the IRS back taxes that I owed on my inheritance because H had totally messed up the filing of them because he wasn't smart enough to ask for assistance & I was still dealing with the PTSD & outpatient treatment at the time, I didn't have the strength to push him into taking it to a CPA........

Then just 2 years ago, I got a call from the mortgage company letting me know that he had quit paying the property tax the previous year & then when they set up an account tied to the mortgage to pay the property taxes, he quit paying the house payment.....He quit paying the house payment for over a year & got the modification through just at the point it was being foreclosed on....& he didn't have money to make the house payments even at that point.......my question was what did you do with all the money you didn't spend on the house payments.....should have saved up a lot over that year......but he refused to give me an accounting of his spending telling me it wasn't my business.

Well, when I called up the credit union when I first got the IRS check, they let me know the account was negative....& that it ran negative most of the month...right after his disability check was auto deposited, he would take out money right down to making it negative.....& then every bill that went through was charged a $29 overdraft charge......& the credit union wouldn't allow me to get off the account as long as it was negative. When I first found this out, I filed a report with APS in California, trying to get some help with getting him a conservator to take care of him finances because it was obvious that he's NOT CAPABLE of taking care of himself & there is no way I was going to go back to taking over his spending as I did initially when the IRS situation came up.....it's too difficult to do from 2100 miles away in the first place....& I don't want anything to do with him in the 2nd place.

I sat on the check in hopes that something would come from the APS....but the report was closed & I was told that if someone has the capability of making decisions whether good or bad....it's there problem if they are destroying themselves......so after I found that out, I sent him an email (all communications with him have to be in writing...something I demanded from the time I left him) asking him to let me know when his disability check was deposited so that I could know when the account was positive so that I could cash the check.....I had my daughter text him a message to let him know he received an email he needed to take care of because I'm not sure how to block my phone number from him on a text & he doesn't have my new phone number & he's NOT going to get it!!!!

Well, I got no response so I decided to call the Credit Union on the day that I thought the check might come in on (it varies by 5 days each month) & found that it had not only come in but he had taken out all but $14 without saying a word to me. His typical refuse to communicate self.......So I flew up to the credit union in the city (about 45 minutes away from my farm) & cashed the check.....got the money & deposited it into my savings......then I came home & called up the credit union & closed the account & had them send him the check for the $19 left in the checking & savings account.....so there is NO LONGER a joint account.....but I had the Credit union send me 3 years of statements the night before I closed the account.....& found that from January 1, 2014 - June 12, 2014....he had already accumulated $1100 + in overdraft charges....& just this last month, he had accumulated $348 of that amount. Every bill that came in to his account was being charged $29 in overdraft's including his $7.99 netflix bill.....& then he would go to the ATM later in the month & take out several hundred more with an overdraft charge. The Credit union said that because he had the autodeposit of his checks they were allowing it to continue until the overdrafts were equal to the amount of auto deposits....then they would close the account.

I'm still not sure if he thinks that the credit union closed the account or whether he knows I was the one that closed it. From the time I left him.....he's never communicated with me.....shoot, he didn't even bother to let me know that my old blind horse had been injured & had to be put down & he was right there at the ranch when it was happening.....I found out on facebook the next monday when my horse trainer & owner of where I board my horses posted about it.

On the drive here that first Christmas before I completely kicked him out.....he said that he thought I would never quit tolerating him & he was the one that didn't want a divorce because it would make him look like a failure.......no duh.....I would say that his financial situation makes him look more like a failure than a divorce would ever do. Honestly I have no idea how he's paid his bills this month (only thing I care about is making sure the 5 of our dogs he kept are getting food). Maybe he just opened another account & with the auto deposit is just starting the whole cycle all over again......but there is going to be a day when everything around him is going to collapse & he's going to end up homeless because of his irresponsibility with his spending.

I have come to realize through the first T I had when I moved here who thought that H might have asperger's.......would explain all the inability to communicate that ruined the marriage....but the financial issues aren't necessarily aspergers......& there are other things that are just the fact that he's a total jerk. Whatever the reason.....

After closing the account.....I immediately called up my lawyer & got him onto getting the divorce going now.

Only problem I have is writing up the list of assets that I would like....all things I left in California....& probably had no way of bringing them here over the 2100 miles.....as I haven't even had money to drive there let alone rent the moving truck like I first came here with that cost $3000 just to drive the truck one way this 2100 miles.....& if he ends up homeless because he can't make the house payment.........then there will be no getting my things.

It's felt almost like the movie "sleeping with the enemy" only he wasn't physically abusive until the last few years & it was always within a fight that we were both involved in........but the freedom of being away from him & all his crap over the last 7 years has been so totally wonderful for me....I have really been able to find out who I really am & what I am really like when NOT PROVOKED into anger.

So even if I never get my things from California to put into my huge empty home that I keep praying gets hit by a tornado so I can rebuild with a nice small cabin......it's worth everything to be away from him & the divorce is to protect me against his financial irresponsibility.

It's obvious that he's definitely NOT the kind of person you could trust to take care of you in your old age.......I'm better off myself knowing my own financial state & being totally in control of my money & what I am willing to spend it on & to have the money to pay for everything before I buy something....

Divorce from out of state is a bit strange...as my lawyer writes up the agreement & mails it to him registered mail.....& he just has to sign it....& if he isn't willing to sign......then I understand that the lawyer has to post it in a local paper.....& knowing how stbxh never follows through with anything....signing the paper might or might not happen.

I have emails that say he's boxing up things to send me.....& I never hear another word from him......not even telling me how much the postage will be for me to cover it......He has NO ability to communicate & never has. You can't have a marriage without communication.....& it's never been there & there was never any emotional connection either.........

Sad because I should have listened to that little voice inside of me that told me NOT TO GET MARRIED to this guy before the wedding.....but listening to my mother (which is something I never did in the first place)....but she said he would grow up & become responsible....& I thought, he has a degree & the ability to have a good career.....how in the world could a college grad be a looser?

well I found out.....& the last 13 years of those 33 years was spent separated under the same roof....with my depression getting greater & greater & with OD's because I felt there was no other way to escape as every time I attempted to get a divorce....he would always put up some kind of block financially that was making it totally impossible.......NOW IT'S NO LONGER IMPOSSIBLE.....& my total freedom is JUST AROUND THE CORNER. The only battle will be the QDRO dealing with his retirement fund......but I have all the accounting showing all the money that he did get from the refi to help him pay for his expenses until it was all gone & we both only had our disability income to live on.....& his disability income is greater than mine......& in the loan modification I gave him the house through a quit claim even though my name is still on the loan....divorce & the judgment of the home being his responsibility through the divorce will take care of that problem.

Our daughter is in her 30's.....so there aren't any children issues involved in the divorce......I got irritated when he said that the retirement wasn't part of the divorce.....& told him to get a lawyer & his lawyer & mine would discuss it....but he obviously has no money for a lawyer.......

So we will see how all the paperwork ends up going......listing all those assets isn't easy....& basically doesn't mean anything except that if I am able to get out there & have the list approved in the divorce, then he can't fight me about the things....but who knows what even still exists in the house after 7 years????

Shoot, I still think I need to deal with my car that's sitting in the driveway.......that he managed to throw all the paperwork away on including the initial registration/ownership proof. He kept telling me for almost a year that I had it here with me....but I didn't even come here with my birth certificate....why in the world would I come here with the title to the car I left in California.....he was just being his typical jerk self....as he always made up his mind that something was the way he thought it was no matter how far from the truth & reality it was....& then he would fight you about it......Geez, I promised myself I wouldn't marry someone like my father......then I ended up with someone who did the same jerky crap.

I have no desire to ever get married again in my whole life....I would have to get hit over the head & knocked out cold by a guy being so totally awesome before I would ever consider getting married again.....& I doubt after all I have gone through that will EVER happen.

It's just so peaceful living totally alone without all that crap I lived with for 33 years......& the last 7 haven't been ok when dealing with him either.....just wonderful when he has nothing to do with my life.

Hello, eskielover. I wish you well.

I wish you the best and being able to get the divorce over as soon as possible. Been there, but mine wasn't as troublesome as yours is. Hope everything goes well.

(Hug)

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Glad to hear you are nearing the finish line

Ugh, I have been leaving messages for my lawyer....he's been busy with court cases this summer.....definitely where he earns his money, not from my less expensive divorce.

I never heard from him after I closed the account....have no idea how the dogs got fed that month & I know there was no way that he could have paid any of his bills.....but the account is closed & there is no way to get any picture of what he's doing with his life.....which leaves me uncomfortable while still married to him.

From my calculations, it's only a matter of time until he ends up homeless because of his incompetent way of handling finances. I have been doing some research & know have come up with understanding 100% of why he's reacted the way he has.....never came up with anything that explained his problems the way this has......but the problems are what they are & they are the reason I left him no matter what the reason for it is because I could no longer live that way....& that was 13 years before I finally did leave.

I just get the feeling that there is some shoe that's going to drop because of his lack of communication.....which has been a consistent problem through our marriage.....but also explained because of what I have come to realize is his problem.

There is part of me that wants to make sure he's taken care of even though I WILL NOT be the one to do it......is it right to KNOW that a problem exists without at least trying to get him the help he needs?

Do I send him an email with all the information that I have found out & let him sort through it & make his own decision on how to deal with it even though he hasn't ever been able to make a wise decision all his life? Do I email his parents with the information.......they are older....they he is their son & this issue he's had all his life. It's not just something that sprang up the last few years.....it was foundation of the issue I had with him before we ever got married & I just had no idea what the red flag I was seeing meant at that time.

When I was describing the things that were happening all the years of our marriage to the first T I had when I moved here...& he suggested that this might be the problem......I sat the information aside......but his pdoc wrote to the IRS that he believed there was something more neurologically wrong with him than just the ADD he had dx'ed him with......

Then when this last issue with the bank & his living on the $29 overdraft fees for every bill he had during the month for the last 1 1/2 years.....it made me realize just how absolutely non-functional & incapable he is of caring for himself.

My report to APS failed to get him the conservator that he needs & I don't have $5000 to plunk down on a lawyer to get that resolved....his parents are rich.....they are the ones that need to be taking care of their son IMO.

I sent them an email when the IRS situation happened telling them the same information I need to be telling them now....but since then I have read books & have done research that has convinced me of what his problem is......maybe with proof then could even remember back to his childhood. They continually threw excuses for his behavior from what I remember them saying......but they still add up to childhood examples of what he is struggling with now.....only it's gotten worse the more responsibilities he has had to deal with & the more stress he's had in his own life that he has had to deal with after I left.

Is it at least my responsibility to pass on the information I know & the facts that I have including the 3 years of bank statements they sent me right before I closed the account?......if he ends up homeless & everyone wonders why.......it's not right for me to hold onto the information I have without at least passing it on to those who may possibly be able to do something to help.

I never loved him.....but it doesn't mean that I want anyone to end up hurt in the way that he's hurting himself because he's not capable of handling his life on his own or making the wise decisions because his mind doesnot work that way?

I did sent an email with all the information to our daughter but she doesn't have a relationship with her grandparents that she feels comfortable sending that kind of information because she hasn't done the research & didn't know her father or see all the things that were going on the way I did (she graciously complimented us on keeping her safe from knowing those bad things that were going on)......but in her 30's it's safer to share a bit more so that she does have a better understanding of why things ended up the way they did without pointing fingers....but providing her information. Didn't know how she was going to take it initially, but it actually brought us closer which was almost a shock to me.

If nothing more comes from the research I have been doing is that it has lessened my anger toward stbxh.......because I know that his behavior does have a reason behind it that I have documented....behavior next to symptoms. It doesn't mean that I could ever live the rest of my life with those behaviors......but at least I am more certain that his behaviors did have a reason behind them other than his just being passive aggressive all the time & that he wasn't capable of handling the problems that came up & not just that he WOULDN'T. If you could get the worse case symptoms that all landed in one spot without the good.......that's what seemed to have happened.

But I like my alone life even though there are times I think how wonderful it would be to find someone who could really communicate with me & who could emotionally connect. Going from dysfunctional parents to a dysfunctional H.......sometimes I wonder about my own interactions with other people growing up & living for 33 years with people who were totally dysfunctional....there are times where I feel that it has left me dysfunctional as well.

I wondered when I left him why I felt like a NEW PERSON.....it was almost like I was starting my life over again & figuring out who I really was....& still working on who I am.....but sometimes it is a struggle to make sure that I am relating to others in a reasonable way. I was so used to H not understanding what I said & feeling like I was speaking in a foreign language, then having to figure out another way to express what I was trying to get through to him......sometimes I feel like I do it to others because I was so used to having to relate to the person I was with that way.

I can't ever imagine going back to living the way I did for all those years....it did feel like a prison in so many ways. I think the only thing that did keep my sanity was having my engineering career for 15 years. It was when I lost that that I came to realize just HOW bad the marriage relationship was but I still couldn't put my finger on exactly what was so massively horrible because he was a NICE person & could do nice things at times.....but there just was & never had been any connection between us.....a foreign concept to him.

One would think that communicating with others would just come naturally.....but after so many years of living with dysfunctional people who didn't communicate in a natural way.......it does at times have it's challenges even now.....my psychologist the other day when we were talking about this commented that she had no idea that I had gone through this or felt this way & she said that considering where I had come from it's amazing that I am where I am......so I guess there is some natural ability to communicate that underlies with those who have lived around nothing but dysfunction.

At least now I understand myself better I realize why I always stayed on the outside of groups. I was accepted by all the groups I was on the outside of but I was afraid to become involved because I didn't always know how to communicate in a large group of people.....so I stuck with my one best friend from Junior High through college when we both got married.....then we went our separate ways.

I still do best in small groups even though I have large groups that I am involved with. I have so many interests & things that I enjoy doing that I couldn't do when I was married or when I was working 70 hours a week at my engineering career.......& when I went through the depression after that, I did absolutely NOTHING other than ride my horse & sometimes play in a chamber group with my flute.

I am finally enjoying life.....& sometimes that takes a while to realize also.

I will just be happy when I can get this divorce over with & get him permanently & safely out of my life so that no surprises will come slamming down on me from miles away.....or from the past because he was incapable of communicating anything to me.

To ease your conscience, I'd say send to his parents. He won't be able to claim lack of knowledge. Similar to having a witness. Maybe both him, and cc parents? Return receipt through the post office?
Then you can at least know you tried.

Thank you Healingme4me ........when I was listening to the radio the other day, there was a program talking about not withholding information that we have that could possibly help someone else..........

I have been so stuck on what is the right thing to do with this....which was why I sent the information to our daughter to start with.

My psychologist hasn't been much help in helping me decide what is the best thing to do with this information & being that the only family I have is our daughter since my parents have died & being an only child I have no siblings to discuss family issues with.....& friends are good to take to, but have received differing thoughts......so I have been just sitting on the information while I'm doing more & more reading & research & coming up with even more information describing the issues that are causing him serious problems in his life.

Of course his parents blame his problems all on me leaving him & taking my inheritance & not giving him a cent. When I left I left everything that we accumulated in our marriage over the 33 years with him including all the furniture from my mother's house. If he had been capable of taking care of himself, he had the resources..........but as I have now learned, any stress, he would shut down.....while I thought he was just being a jerk & silently leaving everything for me to handle because he just didn't want to deal with problems in the passive aggressive way that he seemed to handle everything else he didn't want to do.

I was shocked the last time I was with him (if you can imagine being cooped up in a truck together for 2100 miles with someone who was impossible to communicate with & trying to discuss rationally the issues that were serious problems in the marriage).......he commented that he thought his only responsibility as a H was to go to work & bring home the money & that was all a H was supposed to do. I was about ready to throw him out of my truck if I'd had an ejection seat.......that was after 33 years of being married & after the confrontation I had with him even before we got married about what my expectations in marriage for both of us was (I was still going after my degree in accounting information systems with a comp sci minor). Lack of being able to communicate....he totally agreed with everything I had said without any conversation about any differences. His comment at the end was that he thought I would change how I felt after we got married. The whole purpose of getting those issues discussed before marriage is to determine whether the marriage should even happen or not & to determine compatibility. Another comment that blew my mind was that all these years he didn't want a divorce because "HE DIDN'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A FAILURE" as of no one noticed all the other failures that were going on in his life.

There are times that I get so mad at myself for being so stupid to have ever married him when my gut feeling told me not to but my mother was so sure that he would grow up & become responsible......as I said, who would think back in 1975 that anyone could have a college degree & a high IQ & be so totally incompetent......we didn't know then what we know now.....& he was & is a nice person. Have to laugh a bit.....how ironic.....it was my inheritance from after my mother's death that gave me the ability to leave the marriage after all those years. Think in all her messed up state at the end of her life (cancer & a stroke from the blood clots that her oncologist refused to Dx) & before the actual trauma with the home care person happened that messed me up so bad.....she was realizing that there were serious problems in the marriage.

I think at times how wonderful life could have been if I had never gotten married in the first place or if I had found a compatible H who I could have communicated with & actually had an emotional attachment with.......I always wondered why I never felt a connection with him......I always thought it was my fault coming from a family that was that way I figured I didn't know how to be emotionally attached to anyone....add to that, the lack of respect his attitude made me have toward him before we ever did get married.....but I really didn't think at the time just how much effect that really played in the lack of love I never felt for him.

I definitely should have held onto my "I will NEVER get married" opinion I had before I met him.....& honestly had even right before the wedding.....wouldn't it be great if life had the ability for "do overs".

I'm sure there is going to be an issue with his retirement fund in the divorce because his comment in one of the emails was "it's not on the table" & I will get the amount that we set if up for "after he dies". I told him that he needed to get a lawyer so that my lawyer & his lawyer could discuss it because I was not going to get into it with him.....but he has no money for a lawyer....that's obvious.......so all we can do is deal with his black & white thinking of what is right & wrong......& we will see I guess what the judge actually determines in the end........but my lawyer said that what happens in an out of state divorce is that he writes it all up & sends it registered mail.....if he doesn't sign the agreement & goes into the same mode that he did with the IRS or the mortgage company........then he has to put an add in the local paper where H lives for several weeks.....& then after that, I guess he takes the information to the judge & get's it finalized that way.

I'm so used to no action out of him.....that I'm thinking that's the way he's going to react to the divorce letter from my lawyer........oh well, time will tell.....& I do need some level of closure whether his parents or he can even comprehend the information that I have......wrapping up almost 40 years of my life seems to be a reasonable thing to do along with hopefully getting him the help that he really needs. Can't believe it's so difficult getting a conservator for someone with such blatant proof that they are incompetent (3 years of bank statements)......& he's on disability in the first place. Bank statements show that he hadn't been to see his pdoc in over a year.....so not sure it's worth faxing the information to him (we both had the same pdoc before I left).....but think I will send a copy of the diagnostic analysis information to him also JUST IN CASE. He was able to DX the adult ADD & stated that there was more wrong, but he doesn't do the Dx necessary to determine what I'm sure stbxh is really dealing with.

Honestly, it's a lot easier & a lot more peaceful to have NO relationships than one that ended up like this.....what a waste of my life & all those years......& it's horrible to admit that Yes, I was depressed at the loss of my career.....but I found it was more depressing feeling trapped in that marriage when I didn't have the income from my engineering career any longer to actually escape the marriage by that time when I totally was able to realize just HOW BAD it really was.....it wasn't until I put all the pieces together that I really understood why I had all those sui attempts & came close several times to being successful......I wanted out!!!!!....but we all (including myself at the time) blamed it on the loss of career only).....but no one could understand why I was overreacting so bad at JUST the loss of my career.....but no one even questioned the marriage even when there ended up being some physical abuse.....because that usually came after I got so fed up that I did something that initiated it in the first place. Interesting how what I lived with for so long felt like emotional abuse.....but it can't be abuse if it wasn't intentional & they just weren't capable of being any different.......that was when the wonderful psychologist I have now explained that it wasn't necessarily abuse but it was definitely dysfunctional behavior. The line gets drawn by the lack of intent.

So much for the ramblings of my brain today

What does your daughter say, about telling him or her grandparents?
My mom had supported my marriage, because a couple of reasons. He entered life during her period of mourning and becoming a new widow. I seemed so happy, he was attentive to her, as a future mother in law, and had been a bit of a mommas boy, before she[his mom] collapsed from a brain aneurysm, several years before me. The family though large, remained(s) a closeknit Italian family. It was hard to judge, he would get vile as time went on. There was dramatic moments, in the beginning, for sure. I didn't provoke what transpired a few years into marriage. I find it, tough, to hear your T saying because of the new dxs of your stbxh, that it isn't abuse if there's no intention? That implies mindreading. Perhaps, it's to help move past into survivor? Certain behaviors are just that.
I know some of your going into marriage history, from other posts. You did what you could and back then, it's just how it was. My mom married my father in '73. She'd said, it's what you did, back then. In school or out. She supported my divorce. My gram and I have had numerous discussions about marriage through the years. Her views, how divorces happen, etc. She paid my retainer.
Not sure if I'd consider marriage again. It's such a rocky endeavor. Perhaps I'm jaded?

Maybe you'll begin the new year, a new woman? Can hope