[Gomphus]

My first significant rationship post divorce has been on and off for 1.5 years. We are both people pleasers at our best and conflict avoiding codependents at our worst. I am in regular therapy for my issues and she has had her first appointment but about another issue. I'm hoping her therapy uncovers some larger issues I believe are troubling her and us.

She had what i consider a bad childhood with a self centered mother, little intimacy, and poor boundaries. I have similar issues but am dealing with them. I am on a path of heing but she is not. I see things in her that i dislike in myself. Is this a situation we can deal with? Have others had similar experiences? I find myself wanting to point out her 'issues' but feel it is not my place.

[kaliope]

have you considered asking her to go to couples counseling? if these issues are interfering with your relationship the likihood of success is minimal until she deals with them. it depends on how intimate your relationship is as to whether you could bring up what you see in her. i dont particularly see it as a bad thing to do. others often see things in us we are unable to see in ourselves, these are things she could work on in therapy. only you know how she would react to your feedback.

[CANDC]

Gomphus, welcome to PC Psych Central. I think you are wise not to point out her issues. That can be intimidating and experienced as hurt and judgment by the person for which you observe behaviors.

I also discovered the more clearly I see the other person's fault, the more certain it is to be mine and one which I have trouble dealing with. Another reason to withhold pointing things out.

Finding common ground is important in relationship building. You can try to define that in your notebook or discussing with the other person. Most relationships have only a small area of common ground. Each person decides what kind of people to have a friends or companions. Maybe just having someone is what is needed at a certain point. Sometimes when this is no longer enough, we start to focus on differences.

[Gomphus]

kaliope - since she has been resistant to seeing an IC herself, I hesitate to suggest we go together. Plus, we do a lot of counseling together, talking about our relationship, etc. I am kind of tired of it - shouldn't the beginning be easy?

CANDC - thank you for the welcome! I am still searching around for where I belong on this site. I agree because I don't know how to bring up issues when I am guilt of the same. If she sticks with the counselor I hope they come up naturally for her. I wonder about your last two sentences a lot. I sometimes think that this relationship has played the role it was supposed to play in our lives. But she sees it differently and I feel responsible (old issue) and guilty for not feeling the same.

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by Gomphus

CANDC - thank you for the welcome! I am still searching around for where I belong on this site. I agree because I don't know how to bring up issues when I am guilt of the same. If she sticks with the counselor I hope they come up naturally for her. I wonder about your last two sentences a lot. I sometimes think that this relationship has played the role it was supposed to play in our lives. But she sees it differently and I feel responsible (old issue) and guilty for not feeling the same.

Gomphus, there are many resources here and thousands of people, but they are all on different forums or in the chat room. The chat room moderated chats are a nice place to hear what others are going through and share too. See the Calendar on the blue bar.

Sometimes a relationship that is not ideal is a place to start working out the maze inside us.

[Gomphus]

I guess my question is answered. We finally sat down and talked about our true visions of where our relationship is going and decided the things we want (or don't want) are too different. No matter how good it all looked on paper it just wasn't meant to be or was too complicated by the way we fit together.

I'm not looking forward to the grieving period and will have to be extra mindful of my tendencies to codependently blame myself for her grief.