Torn between my old life and new

I met my wife when we were young and married at 25 she 24. I loved her very much but started to have feelings that she depended on me a lot. We had very little deep conversations and would get through our nights watching trash tv, she wasn't very intelligent and we didn't share interests in what was going on in the world, she had no real dreams or goals apart from children and to be a stay at home mum, I wanted to strive and grow however she was stagnant and wasn't ambitious in any way but I did love her she had good morals and was kind, loyal and my family loved her. My wife was adamant she wanted a child and we had a baby daughter together. I was ready to have a child as I wasn't getting any younger i wanted to be a father and believed this would make her grow up as a person and want to be successful for our child. I love my daughter very much but instead of bringing us together the struggles of being parents made us drift even further apart. We had different views on how to parent and sex became non existent. I tried to make time for just us but this was never the case as my wife didn't want to give up any nights without our daughter and we drifted for 4 years. I began to drink a lot alone each evening and our communication became mumbles to each other. I felt trapped and started looking for a way out. We attempted councilling on a number of occasions but I had well and truly checked out.
Now this is where I will be hounded by you all but I met a girl on a business trip and we began to speak over the Internet regularly. We connected on every level which I had never had before with my wife and feelings grew very strong, interests dreams goals we would talk for hours, she had a child of similar age to my daughter and as a few months past I believed, after much deliberation, it was time to find the courage to leave my wife but wanted to maintain a strong relationship with my daughter. The Devastion on leaving went far and wide and ripples were felt through family and friends, my wife was devastated and couldn't accept what was going on. I stayed with friends for a short time before moving in with the girl I had met and her child 90 miles away. When my wife found out about my new relationship she was on her knees and I feel bad for how I went about things. I was At last happy but I did feel terrible for putting everyone through it. I continued to have regular contact with my daughter every other weekend, she has since met my new girlfriend and they get on great. Now a year down the line I have been to see a solicitor for divorce proceedings however something is stopping me from going ahead, I love my girlfriend with all my heart we are perfect for each other but I'm again unhappy, Iv started to become jealous over her and have caught myself checking her computer with no real reason as to why. I am helping raise her child which instead of being a nourishing feeling actually hurts that it's not my daughter. I feel huge guilt and the days we have both kids together just doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel like a unit and it shows. I now have financial problems and I'v been diagnosed with something I never thought I would have, depression. My wife still wishes to rekindle our relationship and go back to being a family, she has started to look for other jobs, is doing everything to change and something I thought I would never consider is starting to run through my head. I'm now massively torn. I know people will say the grass was not greener and I made my bed, I have read countless blogs and threads looking for the answer I just don't know what to do anymore and feel totally lost. Iv attended independent Councilling which does not seem to be helping in anyway. My girlfriend knows I'm low as Iv started to be distant but she can't understand why I'm unable to push on with the divorce. I just don't know where to turn anymore and it's totally encompassing my life, I have lost family, friends a home I worked hard for as well as not being there for my daughter full time which is effecting her massively both at home and school. I just don't feel that love for my wife, I find myself driving past my old house some evenings and I sometimes long for my family again but when I think of losing my girlfriend my heart sinks. I know I probably will be berated by all and expect it but I hope in telling my story I will find an answer to crawl out the depression I have found myself in as I don't know where else to turn, Iv lost weight and it's effecting everything I do. Has anyone went through similar I would appreciate hearing from others who have gone through what I am dealing with, Thankyou in advance

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Kids can be resilient, given time post separation. If you don't love your wife, you don't love your wife. At some point the talks with her need to halt, so that you can get on with your life and treating your depression.
If your heart is with your girlfriend, that's where the focus needs to be.

Now, what exactly are the struggles that your daughter is having? Is it possible that your soon to be ex wife influences this?

Wanderer14, thanks for posting this. It sounds like you both started out young and were happy. Then you wandered to the greener grass on the other side. When i was growing up you married for life. Your marriage was a commitment to give shelter, protection, upbringing to your prodigy and wife. That is something people no longer do these days. They did not marry for love back then, but they grew to love the person they married. A lot has changed in modern times. Do you still care for your wife and child? Then go back to them. If something does not feel right than don't do it. You have to make a choice otherwise you are tormenting yourself and those involved. First i would suggest to weigh it out by talking to a counselor and they can give you feed back. Not too many people are given a second chance at their marriage. You have that gift if you want it. Think about it. tc

You have a choice. Stay with the new gal and not be in your daughter's daily life, or go back to wife and make a happy family for your daughter. I think your not wanting to go through with the divorce tells you your choice.

I'm with Iris. You made a child with your wife- do you want to be an every other weekend dad, or a real and present one?

Not surprising that you're suspicious of your gf, considering how the two of you got together. Second marriages fail even more than first ones, for all of the reasons you listed, especially ill feelings over the step kids.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh. It just bugs me when people give in to their own selfish needs/wants without considering the needs or wants of their own children.

Good luck to you whatever you choose.

Hi Wanderer.......I also married young. I "thought " I loved her but something always felt off. Like your wife , she also didn't have qualities I was looking for.
But she did have good qualities that I may have took for granted. Although at the time I was pretty messed up myself and my best qualities never shone through. I always thought that if I could only find that "right one" I would divorce my wife in a second. I never found that person that you did and it's now 40 yrs. later. To make a long story short , after almost 40 yrs. of deception on BOTH our parts , and a real painful marriage I had to leave her because I was forced to. I lost her years ago. I never really knew who I was with.
What I found out is that you have to make yourself be happy. That means with your wife or with whoever or with no one ! Things can change over time. Your wife is at least trying. Will she ever REALLY forgive you as time goes on ? Will your gf meet somebody else on line in the future and dump you ?. You said she has a child. Was she married and divorced ? If so why ? You trust somebody that would break up a marriage ? I wouldn't. That's why your suspicious.
Also you said you started drinking. What influence , if any , has that had on your life and decisions ?
Looking at this objectively I would suggest you stay with your wife . At least for awhile. Stop seeing this other woman. Follow your conscience , for now.
What did you have in common with your wife to begin with ?
Whether or not you stay with her you could be in for a world of hurt.
I know from experience.
See if she'll go to marriage counseling with you. If she agrees I think that's a good way of getting out all the things that both of you may need to discuss.
I'll say this till the day I die. Married or not you MUST always prepare yourself to one day have to learn how to be alone and be able to live with yourself. This is for sheer survival.
Don't put your life and feelings into ANYONES hands.

I wish you the best.

Many women made their life & their goals based on what the life & goals of their husband & gave up everything of themselves for their husbands being totally unselfish. It sounds like this was the philosophy of your wife.....her goals were go make a good home & family life for the family but you saw those goals as trivial & unmeaningful & those goals she might not have been able to express because many women didn't even see them as goals but as just the direction life takes.

Some women depending on their background still have the old fashioned values.....interesting listinging to one of the Downton Abby shows, a comment hit me "Women don't have their own thoughts....they wait & have the thoughts their husbands tell them to have"......those were the old days, but many still hold those values especially if their main focus in life is to have kids & make a good home & family for them. You threw away her values because you trivialized them as being meaningless in your point of view & went in search of something that only served your own self & what you thought was meaningful in life, discounting your wife's values totally.

Your behavior was totally selfish....& I have a feeling from what you wrote that it's been haunting you over the years because what you moved onto wasn't all you thought it would be & the consequences of your behavior have been less than comfortable for you. I am honestly surprised that your wife is still willing to take you back after all of this but it just proves what her goals REALLY ARE even though you don't place any value in them.

You are the one that ultimately has to make your decisions on the direction you are taking your life & how it effects others who's lives you have touched by the decisions you have already made & the consequences that you are now experiencing. It's easy to make bad choices because they are usually the ones that only take our happiness into consideration......it's more difficult making the right decisions taking EVERYONE into consideration & choosing what is best for everyone, NOT JUST ourselves. We are all capable of doing this though we are not all willing.

I am a career stay at home mom with no intention of changing that. This is my ambition, my goal my husband and i's decision together. We have old fashion values here and my husband thanks me often for being able to do what I do. Maybe you need educated in the positive aspects of having a stay at home parent so you might be able to appreciate your wife more. Our ambitions lie in our family. I worked 50-60 hour weeks before making the change 5 years ago and I can say this is the hardest thing, mentally, and physically I have ever done! You see your wife in the wrong light! not everyone finds happiness in money and jobs. I know mine is around the table each night with my husband and 4 kids. Life is about family. Marriage is sacred. Not something to be thrown away. Especially when as it sounds she is willing to work things out with you. People think your always gonna be in love with your spouse oh hell no! It's a cycle. There's times you are , there's times you'll want to kill each other. But if you communicate and work through it the bond becomes stronger. Don't throw away your family. Relationships are works in progress till the day you die! How sad your daughter must feel that you are taking care of another woman's daughter? My father threw me away and raised three other children. The pain doesn't stop! There's a reason you haven't filed that divorce yet! Maybe you should listen to yourself!

No matter how small, a positive change deserves to be celebrated!

You are looking for everything in one woman. I'm sorry but we can't all be the attentive, sexy, wife; the great cook, the loving mom and homemaker. You are like many, many, other people. I can understand your desires for it all. We make tough choices in life. I'm amazed at your wife's willingness to take you back. She is also seeing the value now in working and becoming her own woman. She will survive and will find someone else if you choose to stay where you are now. Better think seriously about who you value the most. When you decide, stick with it and make it work.

Hi--I'm a little older than that--think about how you changed between 15 and 25, and that's how much people change between 25 and 35. Maybe one of the things you realized as you grew older is that intellectually she wasn't where you wanted her to be. But you're changing, it sounds like she's changing, and trying, and there's a lot to be said for that. If you're both on the same page maybe you still can build a good life together within the marriage--but maybe your intellectual discussions about world events happen outside the marriage?

Good job on this article! I really like how you presented your facts and how you made it interesting and easy to understand. Thank you.

I am sorry you are currently going through this, and thank you for sharing. As already mentioned, people change. We change in different ways over the years, and sometimes our relationships do not evolve as we do. Love is not something that you can force, and perhaps you just were not in love with your wife any more. You had mentioned that you met your current girlfriend while you were still married, so maybe the reason you experience this jealousy and feel the need to check her computer is because you are worried she'll meet someone while the two of you are together. You may have this inner fear now because you know it can happen. No one is the perfect person. You should have this conversation with your girlfriend and discuss your worries.

I read about your heartache, and I do not judge you in any way. We are all doing the best we can. I wonder if part of the issue may be the distinction between the "real" and the "ideal." Most of us were raised with the ideal of a lifelong relationship and family. We believe that those who maintain such relationships are moral, have integrity and will leave a legacy that is lasting. Relationships, we believe, are the things we will cherish most at the end of our days. Sadly, that is not true for so many of us....more than 50% now. So, maybe we are just asked to distinguish between the "real" and the "ideal." It appears you have an "ideal" of a family, but the reality is that you are happier with this person who is not your wife. Maybe give yourself permission to leave the "ideal" and truly enjoy the "real." just wondering....