[TinaW0812]

I need help making a difficult desicion to divorce or not. So here's my story, I'll try to sum it up as much as possible. I've been married for 8 years and have an 8 year old son with my husband. In the past 8 years my husband has had alcohol issues but it has gotten a lot better. He's been in and out of jobs, i.e. probably at least 15-20 jobs over the past 9 years. Doesn't seem to have drive to better himself or strive for something more. He's plummeted our family into financial bankruptcy. I've had to be the sole supporter. I've tried my hardest to make him understand where I'm at with my feelings and how he's has negatively affected them but doesn't seem to push him try harder in those areas. I will give him credit he is a wonderful father and attentive to my needs, I know he cares but it doesn't seem to help him do better for his family. Ive gotten to the point where I find myself ill to look at him sometimes. I don't even like sleeping in the same bed with him. I love him but not sure if I'm in love with him anymore. I'm scared to be alone but I'm also scared to stay with him any longer. What should I do?

[healingme4me]

It's certainly not an easy decision, staying or leaving. Have you tried marriage counseling or both independently? Sometimes it can help.
Certainly sounds like built up resentment. Understandably so.

Have you weighed out a pros and cons list?

What is it about being alone, that frightens you? Before you met him, where were you in life?

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[Fennel61]

I concur re: counseling, plus rehab for hubs. If he won't choose his family over alcohol, you'd probably be better off without him.

[eskielover]

Interesting how we don't think about those things that cause lack of respect for someone before we have sex, get pregnant, feel we have to get married.....& then reality HITS us right in the face.

I'm sure his work ethics haven't changed since you married him....they just became obvious to you. I totally agree, you can't LOVE someone you don't respect....what you thought you loved going into the marriage had nothing to do with reality.

If there was something truly there before you got married then it would be good to go through marriage counseling to see if you can revive the emotions that existed. It's not easy but if you truly want to be married to him....it's worth the effort.

I remembered at the end of my marriage that I had wanted to stop the wedding ( I wasn't pregnant & there was no child involved in the wedding decision making process) because of personality & value issues I realized I didn't like. My mom talked me out of my concerns & I reinforced those thoughts thinking that someone with a high IQ & college degree couldn't possibly have the irresponsible issues I was seeing (I was fooled by the high value I placed on education). But looking back, I went into the marriage feeling no respect for him & he just reinforced those feelings continually so love never grew. I grew up in a home with no emotional connection so I had no idea what was missing in my own marriage. I wondered if that was how all marriages were but left it at that.

I stayed 33 years only because I hid myself in my degree for the first few years & then in my computer engineering career 15 years after that. It wasn't until I no longer had a hiding place that I realized just how bad the marriage was. The last 13 years I ended up financially trapped & was so desperate to get out that I attempted suicide so many times I lost count.

If there is really nothing between you & you are giving your son a bad example of life....it's better to get out when you can that to end up trapped. I still can't afford the divorce but he almost financially destroyed me even after I escaped & moved 2100 miles away to the other side of the US.

We all have our own rational for getting married....sometimes we look back & forget what those thought processes were & why we made the choices we did after learning the reality of the person we REALLY married.

It's really an internal thing that it comes down to when deciding to leave. I was always independent but I went from living at home with parents to married....never lived alone to know myself. At the end of my marriage I had horrible side effects to meds & anorexia where I couldn't take care of myself & PTSD from a trauma I went through with the home care person when my mom was dying. I was a mess & had no idea if I could make it on my own. Leaving was the best thing I ever did though I still get nightmares about the fights & struggles I had wait almost x-husband. Life alone isn't easy but I LOVE IT so much more than being married

[healingme4me]

For me, trying to sort through patterns of bringing myself into marriage is very complicated and discovery alone couldn't possibly answer stay or leave.
I didn't need to be the sole provider, financially. I did need to be the primary caregiver to the children. Complicated responsibility where resentment goes. The moment I stopped bringing in cash, was its own litmus test. That's just a pro/con point when list making.

One thing that I thought about today, was this. As I met him, I was living at a friend's home. She made this huge incentive point as to how my moving there would bring me living closer to my mom, plus less wear and tear on my vehicle since we were practically glued at the hip. It wasn't, in hindsight, a healthy friendship and I probably wasn't in the right frame of mind to think things through as much as I needed to. Stepdad on his final weeks. Terrible job situation. Her on and off boyfriend, best friend of my on and off boyfriend. Meeting my exhusband seemed like, in hindsight of course, a way out. My mom had control issues where I was concerned being her only child. This friend was the catalyst to my meeting her sister's brother in law. Red flags, anyone??

Not really a great way to get involved with someone, though at the time my intentions didn't spell out my yearning for a rescue so clearly as they do this moment, fifteen years after the fact.

Bringing this up, because as Eskie brought up, thinking back and looking forward as a serious point to work through when feeling conflicted.

Is your marriage bringing you to a depression episode?

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[continuosly blue]

Originally Posted by TinaW0812

I need help making a difficult desicion to divorce or not. So here's my story, I'll try to sum it up as much as possible. I've been married for 8 years and have an 8 year old son with my husband. In the past 8 years my husband has had alcohol issues but it has gotten a lot better. He's been in and out of jobs, i.e. probably at least 15-20 jobs over the past 9 years. Doesn't seem to have drive to better himself or strive for something more. He's plummeted our family into financial bankruptcy. I've had to be the sole supporter. I've tried my hardest to make him understand where I'm at with my feelings and how he's has negatively affected them but doesn't seem to push him try harder in those areas. I will give him credit he is a wonderful father and attentive to my needs, I know he cares but it doesn't seem to help him do better for his family. Ive gotten to the point where I find myself ill to look at him sometimes. I don't even like sleeping in the same bed with him. I love him but not sure if I'm in love with him anymore. I'm scared to be alone but I'm also scared to stay with him any longer. What should I do?

First off I want to say I'm sorry your in the position your in.
Deciding to divorce is a VERY difficult decision. My input is this. I was married for almost 40 years. Now I met my wife when I was in my early teens. I had an alcohol problem. She knew that but we wound up getting married in our early 20's regardless.
Did you know about your husbands alcohol problem ? Has he gotten help ? Somebody who has 15-20 different jobs in just 9 years ? Has no ambition ? Drove your family into bankruptcy ? Doesn't seem to care about your feelings ? Sometimes looking at him makes you ill ? You don't want to sleep in the same bed with him ? Then there's this line I heard maybe 10 years ago myself but was too numb from pain meds that I let it go right over my head. The old " I love you but I'm not IN love with you anymore "! If you think that then it's probably true.

So all this and you still say" he's a wonderful father and attentive to your needs" ? Sounds like a contradiction to me.

I know I would have used ANY little excuse or even lie to myself so that I wouldn't have to do what I eventually did. Actually what she waited for me to do.

Now I was scared to be alone so I stayed in an abusive and dead marriage for maybe 20 yrs. too long ! Don't you make that mistake ! Think of your son.
What's best for him ?

Don't you make the same mistake I did. But you have to consider a great many different possible outcomes before you act.

I read what you said in an objective manner. From the outside. Now you need to read what YOU said , by looking at it objectively.

Lastly, I would say that if he does have an alcohol problem, try to get him to seek help , and also try marriage counseling. I would love to see you be able to save your marriage.