My husband needs therapy, he is controlling and emotionally unstable. He would get mad if I sent a text message to my daughters grandmother???? He would get mad at almost anything I did. This is the 3rd time I have ask him to leave the house "it was my house first" because my nerves were so bad with his ups and downs that I couldn't do simple things anymore like get a shower and put on my makeup. I don't even look like the same person anymore. I am in such a deep depression over the collapse of my marriage. I have been crazy about him since I was 13.......I lost touch with him over the years and we finally got together 22 years later. I question if I am making the right decision in ending my marriage without trying therapy first? I can't live with him right now......I have to know what is causing him to behave like this. This is the worst Christmas I have ever been through.......

[continuosly blue]

Originally Posted by Plumprincess

My husband needs therapy, he is controlling and emotionally unstable. He would get mad if I sent a text message to my daughters grandmother???? He would get mad at almost anything I did. This is the 3rd time I have ask him to leave the house "it was my house first" because my nerves were so bad with his ups and downs that I couldn't do simple things anymore like get a shower and put on my makeup. I don't even look like the same person anymore. I am in such a deep depression over the collapse of my marriage. I have been crazy about him since I was 13.......I lost touch with him over the years and we finally got together 22 years later. I question if I am making the right decision in ending my marriage without trying therapy first? I can't live with him right now......I have to know what is causing him to behave like this. This is the worst Christmas I have ever been through.......

Why do people leave out important information ! How long have you been married ? Has he been in any therapy at all ? Obviously he has anger issues , trust issues. Why does he get mad at everything you do ? Do you annoy him somehow ? Why did you ask him to leave the house ? Did he physically or verbally abuse you ? What do you mean by it was your house first ? If your married how come your not co- owners ?

You were crazy about him when you were 13. Then you got together with him 22 yrs later ! What did you/ he do in those 22 yrs. ? Maybe he's not the same person you were crazy about at 13 yrs old. People do change a little in 22 years.
I think you both should at least try marriage counseling before you file for divorce. You both have a lot of work ahead of you if you want to try and save the marriage .

Plum Princess, (((hugs))). IF the person you are with makes you feel like a different person than what you are, you NEED to ask them to leave. To thine own self be true, otherwise you are being an enabler, sacrificing your own self for someone elses happiness. That never works. And you also are being codependent defining your worth on being needed by others, which is self destructive. You are doing the right thing. I am separated myself. At first it tore me up, now i am grateful they left. I was so traumatized by their behaviour it stressed me out medically to the point of brain seizures. I am glad they are gone and i never want to see them, hear from them or want them back in my life ever. And don't feel surprised if you do the same. In the meantime sort out your misguided feelings. we often glamorized what we had and ignore the hell we have. talking to a therapist makes it real for us... blessings

[amandalouise]

in another post you stated...
My estranged husband started calling me and I take the calls to keep peace for as long as I can but they soon get nasty and they are headed that way now again.....

here in america domestic violence and other agencies can not help if you are choosing to continue to have contact with this person.

the word estranged means he is not living with you, and you are saying you are choosing to take his calls to keep the peace...

that right there makes is so that agencies like shelters , domestic violence can not help you. because its your choice to pick up the phone and listen to him rant rave what ever to you.

its hard to understand but lets take it out of context for a moment with a completely different situation so you can see what I mean..

lets say I know someone who gets drunk and mean when they drink. they call me and say hey theres a party tonight want to go. I know party means alcohol so I know this person is going to get drunk and be mean to me. but I still open the door and get in this persons car and sure enough after one drink the person starts calling me names and swearing at me, belittling me.. can a domestic violence shelter help me...no why because I made the choice to go with him even though I knew he was going to get drunk and be mean to me.

same situation here. this guy isnt living with you, you are the one choosing to answer the phone and be around him so law wise domestic violence shelters cant help you. no crime is being committed against you as long as you are choosing to continue to have contact with this person by answering his phone calls.

the first step to stopping something like this is dont answer the phone. if he persists then you call the police and have him charged with harassment, you two go to court and prove how he is harassing you (legally wise it doesnt count as harassment if you are answering the phone when he calls. legal wise thats like giving him permission to talk with you because you are making the choice to continue contact with him)

when you go to court you ask for a restraining order. this is a paper that states neither one of you can be with in 500 feet of each other and can not have any contact with each other. it either one goes against the court order the one that went against it can be arrested. some states have automatic arrest for things like this whether or not the victim wants to press charges.

my suggestion is if you really dont want this person in your life then do not answer the phone when he calls and if he shows up at your home to call the police.then get a a court order.

only you can choose whether you want to continue to be in contact with this person or not (unless of course you are a part of the amish cultures in Pennsylvania (where your profile says you are from, in which case again theres nothing a shelter can do for you because in the amish culture the man is the boss kind of situation but you can choose to leave the amish community and move somewhere else outside the amish culture if you wish)

[healingme4me]

Well if you did contact a domestic violence hotline they can help you establish a safety plan and I'm uncertain why they couldn't help her get into group therapy type sessions and if shelters were full they would suggest living with relatives.

I live in the states too. I've not heard of these hotlines not giving guidance?? Personal Experience!

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[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Plumprincess

My husband needs therapy, he is controlling and emotionally unstable. He would get mad if I sent a text message to my daughters grandmother???? He would get mad at almost anything I did. This is the 3rd time I have ask him to leave the house "it was my house first" because my nerves were so bad with his ups and downs that I couldn't do simple things anymore like get a shower and put on my makeup. I don't even look like the same person anymore. I am in such a deep depression over the collapse of my marriage. I have been crazy about him since I was 13.......I lost touch with him over the years and we finally got together 22 years later. I question if I am making the right decision in ending my marriage without trying therapy first? I can't live with him right now......I have to know what is causing him to behave like this. This is the worst Christmas I have ever been through.......

It takes two willing participants to make couples therapy work. Not to say that individual therapy for someone going through this isn't beneficial.

My exhusband came home unexpectedly a couple of times when I refused to answer the multitude of calls, so I understand the 'keeping the peace.' Not that it's healthy. But it was what it was. In hindsight, yes he[my ex] has bpd.

It took several attempts to leave, plus a couple years of counseling and support groups. Wasn't fully in the clear after. We have kids. I was assaulted a couple of years after my divorce with death threats when he discovered that I moved on. It was then a couple of years no contact with a restraining order, a charge and trial by the DA's office, probation and anger management and a hefty court fine before where it stands is shared legal custody and my moving one community away from him and no controlling behavior on his part.

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[Permacultural]

It sounds like nothing is going to change for you until you do something different. It is such a stressful situation to be in.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Well if you did contact a domestic violence hotline they can help you establish a safety plan and I'm uncertain why they couldn't help her get into group therapy type sessions and if shelters were full they would suggest living with relatives.

I live in the states too. I've not heard of these hotlines not giving guidance?? Personal Experience!

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

domestic violence therapy sessions and group therapy sessions are for those living inside the shelters (those that have given up contact with their abusers) they dont allow those that are still in contact with their abusers into the therapy and group therapy sessions due to confidentiality and safety of others..

example if someone who is still with the abuser gets dropped of or followed to one of the shelters that can be very dangerious for the others that are in the shelters. here in NY the group therapy sessions are held at the shelter locations not at the main office. each shelter location is kept confidential for the safety of all that are living at the shelter.

think of it this way someone is out to harm you, you go to a main office and then the office transports you to a safe hidden location do you want someone else who has weapons to show up to where you are feeling safe and harm you because you are friends with the intended victim.

thats what happens in domestic violence situations. the abuser strikes out at anyone protecting the victim and the victims friends as a way to control and instill fear in the victim.

so here in NY only those living in the shelters knows the location and the therapy and groups are held in that shelter.

domestic violence can say to someone who is not in their programs heres a list of treatment providers....you....can contact when you are ready to enter therapy and they may have group therapy available. but they do not set someone who is not in the shelters to attend the therapy and group therapy offered in the shelters, for the safety of those living in the shelters.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

It takes two willing participants to make couples therapy work. Not to say that individual therapy for someone going through this isn't beneficial.

My exhusband came home unexpectedly a couple of times when I refused to answer the multitude of calls, so I understand the 'keeping the peace.' Not that it's healthy. But it was what it was. In hindsight, yes he[my ex] has bpd.

It took several attempts to leave, plus a couple years of counseling and support groups. Wasn't fully in the clear after. We have kids. I was assaulted a couple of years after my divorce with death threats when he discovered that I moved on. It was then a couple of years no contact with a restraining order, a charge and trial by the DA's office, probation and anger management and a hefty court fine before where it stands is shared legal custody and my moving one community away from him and no controlling behavior on his part.

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

I am so glad that you said you understand what keeping the peace is all about.....

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

domestic violence therapy sessions and group therapy sessions are for those living inside the shelters (those that have given up contact with their abusers) they dont allow those that are still in contact with their abusers into the therapy and group therapy sessions due to confidentiality and safety of others..

example if someone who is still with the abuser gets dropped of or followed to one of the shelters that can be very dangerious for the others that are in the shelters. here in NY the group therapy sessions are held at the shelter locations not at the main office. each shelter location is kept confidential for the safety of all that are living at the shelter.

think of it this way someone is out to harm you, you go to a main office and then the office transports you to a safe hidden location do you want someone else who has weapons to show up to where you are feeling safe and harm you because you are friends with the intended victim.

thats what happens in domestic violence situations. the abuser strikes out at anyone protecting the victim and the victims friends as a way to control and instill fear in the victim.

so here in NY only those living in the shelters knows the location and the therapy and groups are held in that shelter.

domestic violence can say to someone who is not in their programs heres a list of treatment providers....you....can contact when you are ready to enter therapy and they may have group therapy available. but they do not set someone who is not in the shelters to attend the therapy and group therapy offered in the shelters, for the safety of those living in the shelters.

They can Give a List of providers. They can help with a safety plan. They can guide you to an advocate.

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[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Plumprincess

I am so glad that you said you understand what keeping the peace is all about.....

You're welcome.

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[ChipperMonkey]

You say "keeping the peace", I say "enabling".

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

You say "keeping the peace", I say "enabling".

For me keeping the peace was some bizarre way of not having him come home and worrying about him hitting me, then sure....enabled

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[Curry]

I am sorry this is the worst Christmas you have been through. I too found it so hard loving an unstable person who was always angry. I understand all the threads you have to untangle when you are letting go of someone. We just had our first Christmas as a divorced couple - with our four kids. It is so nice not to have to deal with him blaming me for everything in his life. Just take care of yourself, walk out when your husband starts to act crazy, keep your mind on what you would like to work on yourself. It is so nice to not have to be superman so you can fix someone, who is unstable, and who causes chaos all the time.

[eskielover]

You have never answered the questions asked of you in your other posts.....like....
What caused his previous marriages to fail?
Have you ever talked to those woman who have had previous relationships with him to find out if he was really that good person you keep imagining him to be?
Are you that desperate to have someone to care for you that you keep trying to rationalize his abuse toward you?
How long have you been married to him...did I read you got married just last summer?
Just because you knew him when yiubwereb13 & 15, why did you allow yourself to be infatuated with him the same way you were as a child?
(I had a guy from my high school that wrote me last year that he had a crush on me when we were in high school & I actually had wished he would notice me back then too.....but we grow up & we are who we are NOW not back then....that was sweet but it means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in reality)

Just curios myself....
Why do you have such low self esteme that you tolerate ANYONE treating you this way?
What are you planning on doing with your psychology BA once you get it?

Your kids aren't even his kids so you need to be protecting your children from him & they don't need to be living in an environment that is abusive especially your autistic daughter. You don't have a marriage to save....you have lives to protect. You made a bad choice marrying someone you really didn't even know other than from a 13 year old crush...doesn't sound like there was any wisdom that went into your decision to get married.....more like wishful thinking.