Post Divorce Co-parenting

Hi everyone, I am 14 months post Divorce with parenting orders in place. Basically, I left him after a decade together because he became emotionally abusive after our daughter was born and had very little interest in being a father.

Here's my issue. My ex, who I later found out had a double life (a mistress for 1 year), would not keep up with our verbal visitation agreement and missed months at a time, filed for 50/50 physical care of our child with his new fiancé (the mistress).

The court process was long, emotionally and financially draining. It ruined me financially but I was ordered primary custody.

Our parenting orders are now 14 months old but my ex is not keeping to them, nor co-parenting with me. He ignores me when I try to discuss parenting matters, both face to face and over email. Sometimes he will send anger fuelled emails in return.

I don't understand why someone would file for joint physical custody, spend a ridiculous amount of money on legal fees and stretch the court process out 2 years, but still act like an irresponsible parent after the papers are sealed.

My daughter is suffering and refusing to see her father, but I still make her go (as per orders), I feel terrible and want to support her through this but its difficult when her father wont discuss anything with me. He even refuses to allow her to go to counselling. I don't understand his motive?

I appreciate any opinions and insight.

Welcome to PC Stillstrong78. Your ex obviously had issues before you divorced i.e. had a mistress, was abusive, not interested in parenting, etc. He has not changed so this is a continuation of who he is. Maybe he spent the time/money on the custody issue because he thought he wanted to be parent but apparently he really doesn't.

You could always revisit the court issue and appeal for sole custody but that involves money (and energy) you may not have. Maybe the best you can do is to be the good, supportive parent you are to your daughter when she is with you and ultimately the ex may drift out of the picture. Kids know the truth without anyone telling them. Your ex's motive? Who knows, maybe he is trying to punish you, but more likely it is his own guilt over the things he knows he did/didn't do.

(((Hugs))) The joint custody thing usually isn't easy. I hope you have a good support system.

Lots of times the father will make a bid for custody in order to reduce the amount of child support payment. Could this be his motive?

Thanks for your replies. The child support issue could definitely be a factor. He refused to pay for over a year after we separated so I had the office collect on my behalf. He was furious. Then during court he said he had lost his job and can't pay (but had a private lawyer the whole time). Sounds a bit fishy...

Then again, it would be much cheaper to just pay the child support each month than legal fees for 2 years.

I am doing the best I can to support my daughter, but it is challenging. I've had to sacrifice a lot but I love her to death and want her to be happy more than anything else.

Hugs StillStrong. I know what you are going through with custody and visitation issues. Maybe you are still in that breaking out with your ex period and haven't separated yourself from what he is and is not doing. You cannot control what he does. Love and cherish the time you spend with your children. Mine have watched their father for nearly two years now continually brush aside and not visit them on most of his specified days. They get over it, really. They are happy adjusted children who realize their father may not live up on his end but also that their mother (me) works very hard to care for them. Try not to worry so much what the ex is and is not doing and focus on yourself and your children.

Welcome. I was a divorced single mom for almost 10 years too, so I do feel your pain.

How old is your daughter, you didn't say.

I can explain what you don't understand, the custody battle wasn't because HE WANTED to be a parent, it was either about satisfying the mistress who either wanted to play mom, didn't want him paying child support to you or wanted to do something to hurt you, OR it was HIM wanting to hurting you. He didn't keep up with with the visitation to begin with, so it wasn't about him missing full time care of his child.

One thing, if you have primary custody, why does he have any say about her going to counseling. Maybe he wont take her when he has the visitation, but you should be able to schedule around that.

I know you are trying to "coparent" but sometimes you cant, and it doesn't sound like he wants to. What kinds of things are you trying to discuss with him that he gets angry with you about? I would suggest that unless it is something that directly involves him, like him having to pick her up for his visitation at a different location, ie a sports event, then I wouldn't bother talking to him about it.

When my husband and I split up, I was determined that he was still going to be part of her life. I grew up seeing very little of my mother after my parents divorced and I didn't want my daughter going through that. But it was always a huge fight to get him to show up at all, let alone on time, or not bring her home early. Child support was always a huge battle, until I took it out of his hands and had the state deduct it from his paycheck. So unless it involved visitation of support, I didn't bother discussing with him. Now, my daughter knows her dad well, she knows his issues because she saw them first hand, not because I said bad things about him. He continues to be selfish and self centered, but I did my best at letting her know him personally. He can never say that I kept her from him or anything is my fault. Is it worth it? I suppose it is, but it was hell going through it.

I wonder if you need to back away from him a bit?

In my state, too far in arreas, months will: lien your bank account; suspend your license; withhold tax refunds; leave a note on your credit report. I'm sure it goes further, up to and including jail time. My ex kept me abreast on his unemployment fiasco. Long story short. Unlawfully terminated by an employer of fifteen years back in August. Unemployment took until Christmas for resolution. He was already garnished as back in'09/'10, i told him it would bring his taxable income down and this way less room for trying to bend out of support as he wasn't good with a checkbook. All those things that could happen did up to the credit report in that time period. If unemployment didn't come through, we were going to amend as he also found some employment similar time frame.

Counseling could be the therapists call. If shared legal(ding,ding..hint,hint) then therapists worry that therapy can be reversed without both parents on board. I learned this when I was refused therapy for my younger two because at the time there was a restraining order from my having been pulled out of my van in '13. He's on board with therapy for our oldest ,at this juncture. Family counseling it will be. Oldest needs coping skills,anxiety types of reactions overcome him at home and with his father, lifelong struggle. The other two will probably follow suit. Baby steps. He's involved with them, a reflection of having lost his own dad at three.

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I'm not concerned about what my ex is or isn't doing, but rather how it is impacting my 6 year old daughter emotionally. My ex is unreliable on visits, and my daughter is over the moon when he doesn't show up, but she always comes home telling me about something her stepmum has said about me. My daughter quickly comes to my defense but she shouldn't need too. My daughter has also said that her stepmum says nasty things directly to her making her feel unwanted.

Its parental alienation and emotional abuse, I am aware of that but I don't want my daughter damaged emotionally if its left to continue.

I have sought legal advice since I started this thread and was told to have my daughter assessed by a private child psychologist anyway. If it is determined that she needs ongoing therapy and my ex refuses, to request that the courts enforce it. I've decided to take that path.

Have you found a therapist? I'm a little uncertain, does the therapist need your exes consent? Or is this just a verbal No by your ex? How often are visits?

Who advised the psychological assesment? You have physical custody? How about legal custody? Have you ever utilized a GAL?

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I tried to put her into therapy late last year but the program required the consent of both parties to the parenting orders. My orders state joint parental responsibility with regard to important matters like medical, schooling etc. Long story short my ex refused. Spoke to my lawyer and they said it would be a minor contravention but perfectly justifiable, as you're acting in the child's best interests.

I just need a referral to a therapist that is happy to go ahead without his permission. I'm sure I'll find one.

... also, I only discuss matters stated on our parenting orders.

I tried to put her in therapy late last year and the program required both parents' consent. My ex refused. My daughter is 6.

I have joint parental responsibility with regard to health, medical, school etc. My lawyer said it would be a minor breach but justifiable, as he believes its in her best interests. Also, that it would look pretty silly if my ex took me back to court over professional counselling for her

Double post... sorry! Didn't think the earlier one went through.

Then that's joint legal custody. That's why I couldn't place my own in, even with the school's suggestion to do so.

Might just need to help her learn to cope on your own.

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Thanks Healingme4me. I'm sorry to hear about your own experience. Its so difficult to do what's best for your child when the other party doesn't want to acknowledge there's a problem.

I'm going to keep pushing for counseling. I'll keep you updated.

Update. My ex no longer wants contact with his daughter if he doesn't get equal shared physical custody now. He has done this before. Why doesn't he just leave us alone to live in peace?