[lunafay]

Well I cut off all contact to my ex husband recently. Its been a few days since I last talked to him. We do share a child so this is going to be difficult but I told him if he had anything to tell me then his wife could let me know. We were married for 10 years and together for 14 years and it's been really hard for me to let go. He got remarried shortly after the divorce. I'm so used to telling him everything, so it's so hard cutting off all contact but I know that it's for the best.

[healingme4me]

Hope it works smoothly. It's good there will be an intermediary to share important information about your child. What brought about the need for no contact? Forgive my asking if that was shared on another thread.

[gayleggg]

I hope life gets easier for you. I had been married for 24 when I divorced. We had to go to no contact because we were both bitter. He remarried soon after our divorce, too. It's been 22 years since we got divorced and have finally come to a place where we can communicate again. We each forgave each other for hurtful things said and done. We are at peace now, but we needed the space that no contact gave us to let things heal.

[lunafay]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Hope it works smoothly. It's good there will be an intermediary to share important information about your child. What brought about the need for no contact? Forgive my asking if that was shared on another thread.

We kept on getting into fights whenever we would get into contact with each other. It would cause a lot of heart ache for me. I kept trying to be his friend for my son's sake but it would always end badly. So I made the decision after crying for 12 hours straight after a fight that it was time to cut off contact

[lunafay]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I hope life gets easier for you. I had been married for 24 when I divorced. We had to go to no contact because we were both bitter. He remarried soon after our divorce, too. It's been 22 years since we got divorced and have finally come to a place where we can communicate again. We each forgave each other for hurtful things said and done. We are at peace now, but we needed the space that no contact gave us to let things heal.

I hope the same works out for me. Every time I would communicate with him, we would fight and it would just cause me more emotional stress. I hope this space helps.

[BipolarMama31]

Good luck!

My h and his ex have a child therapist their son has been going to for 6 years.
If they have an issue that will result in a fight, they go to her to give advice and mediate.
They go separate tho, bc being in the same room as resulted in screaming in the past.
The judge even put the therapist in the custody papers as the first person to go to before coming back to court and if they do go back to court, its bc she recommends a change.

Keeps the drama way down.

[lunafay]

Originally Posted by BipolarMama31

Good luck!

My h and his ex have a child therapist their son has been going to for 6 years.
If they have an issue that will result in a fight, they go to her to give advice and mediate.
They go separate tho, bc being in the same room as resulted in screaming in the past.
The judge even put the therapist in the custody papers as the first person to go to before coming back to court and if they do go back to court, its bc she recommends a change.

Keeps the drama way down.

oh wow. that sounds like a good idea. I don't think my ex would go for it though.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by lunafay

We kept on getting into fights whenever we would get into contact with each other. It would cause a lot of heart ache for me. I kept trying to be his friend for my son's sake but it would always end badly. So I made the decision after crying for 12 hours straight after a fight that it was time to cut off contact

It truly stinks when exes proceed with the notion in their mind that it's ok to continue on with toxic behavior. My ex was a nightmare for the longest.

It took a variety of turns of events, some counseling on both ends, him with some court fines and anger management and probation and his surrounding himself with a better circle of friends that I'm mutually tied to via my work along with a remaining no abuse clause that has made a difference in interactions between him and I.

You took an important step for your own wellbeing.

[BipolarMama31]

Originally Posted by lunafay

oh wow. that sounds like a good idea. I don't think my ex would go for it though.

Well it didn't start out that way.

She was arrested for (trigger) domestic abuse against him (/trigger)
And he dropped the charges if she went to anger management. But there was a protective order against her, so all custody exchanges happened in front of a police office.
After the court nonsense baxk and forth for 2.5 years, the judge put it in the order that the child therapist was the first place to go for disputes, not back to court.
And its working!

Ive looked up coparenting, and ive researched parallel parenting. And they def dont coparent. They more "parallel parent"
(Your rules are your rules. My rules are my rules. Our assigned custody time is in a court order that we dont alter. If there is an issue we talk to a mediator who then relays the message.)

Its unfortunate in my opinion, but after what she did to him, i cant blame him for his own safety.

Same advice goes for you

[lunafay]

Originally Posted by BipolarMama31

Well it didn't start out that way.

She was arrested for (trigger) domestic abuse against him (/trigger)
And he dropped the charges if she went to anger management. But there was a protective order against her, so all custody exchanges happened in front of a police office.
After the court nonsense baxk and forth for 2.5 years, the judge put it in the order that the child therapist was the first place to go for disputes, not back to court.
And its working!

Ive looked up coparenting, and ive researched parallel parenting. And they def dont coparent. They more "parallel parent"
(Your rules are your rules. My rules are my rules. Our assigned custody time is in a court order that we dont alter. If there is an issue we talk to a mediator who then relays the message.)

Its unfortunate in my opinion, but after what she did to him, i cant blame him for his own safety.

Same advice goes for you

wow thats intense. Thank you for the advise though.

[Grandessa]

Originally Posted by lunafay

Well I cut off all contact to my ex husband recently. Its been a few days since I last talked to him. We do share a child so this is going to be difficult but I told him if he had anything to tell me then his wife could let me know. We were married for 10 years and together for 14 years and it's been really hard for me to let go. He got remarried shortly after the divorce. I'm so used to telling him everything, so it's so hard cutting off all contact but I know that it's for the best.

Oh gosh, I feel the same way! I have been married for 41 years, and my husband told me 4 months ago he wants a divorce. This seems so inhumane. I told him everything. I have no clue how to now just have no contact. It feels like my limbs have been cut off. I know I have to let go. I heard once "Just keep on living until you feel alive again." That's what I'll do, but my buddy is gone.

[eskielover]

I cut off all contact except via email. Still not divorced after leaving him 9 years ago (haven't been able to save the last amount for the divorce).

He would do things without contacting me or telling me when we were married & together....no different now. Still makes me ANGRY at him. My desire for him to never have my phone # ever again has kept me from texting anything to him in my anger.

[Rose76]

Getting your ex-husband's wife into the middle of things is just another way of you being overly involved with him. If his wife has any sense at all, she will absolutely refuse to become an intermediary.

You are hurting because he has moved on into another relationship, while you have not. You want to be his friend and, even, be in contact with his wife. You're right that you need to withdraw from way too much contact with him. You need to accept that there is no room in his current marriage for a third person.

Being co-parents does require some collaboration, but that can be kept down to essentials pertaining to your child's welfare. Maybe texting will work better than phone conversations. It sounds like you are still in love with him. That's awfully painful, but you can get passed that. Your plans to disconnect from him have to be realistic. Your decision to stop any and all contact, reached after 12 hours of crying, is not realistic (unless you have sole custody.)

Keep your interactions with him business-like. Tell him nothing about your own personal life. It's none of his business, for instance, if you start to date someone.

Get out of the house. Seek out friendship. You and he cannot be friends . . . not now, or anytime soon. If you really need an intermediary, use a friend or relative of your own. Perhaps, something can be set up through your local family court. Perhaps, a social worker could be an intermediary.

I'm afraid you have a lot of pain to go through, but it can be gotten through. You have a life to build that doesn't include him. You gave him 14 years. Stop pouring mental energy into what is over. Now, you are free to concentrate on what you want to do for you.