OK with failing

I tried everything I possibly could. This marriage was more traumatic an experience than anything else that ever happened to me in my life by far. I just want to remove myself from this and just take it easy now.

I really like myself. I deserve peace and so does he.

((((Tisha))))

Huge respect to you, Tisha.

Sometimes...well, sometimes over is over, yanno?
And some things have to end and be put paid to, to make room for what needs to begin. It can be hard to get clear of things and feelings and patterns of thought & behaviour, that have held sway in our little heads for a long long while.

I call it "clearing the weeds" lol ~sigh~ . Took me 5 yrs.

Be gentle with yourself, my friend.

xo,
Chyia, sending hugs & empathy

After I escaped my marriage I was later on able to analyze the whole 33 years....& realized I wasn't the one who failed. It was amazing to have a psychologist tell me that my reactions to what I had experienced WERE NORMAL to the situations I ended being forced to put up with....starting with my dysfunctional parents.....I was reacting to my environment something the environment would never acknowledge because they were sure they were JUST FINE.

Interesting being out of the marriage & both my parents have died, I can objectively observe the people all around me & it just magnifies how dysfunctional ALL the people in my life had been. It's taken me years to learn how to interface with normal people but the PEACE is amazing.

Most if the time we aren't who failed but it was the environment, the people who were around us that failed even when it's something they couldn't possibly have helped themselves.

Don't be hard on yourself.

This motivational speaker was talking about how she had a little potted cactus plant on her window sill. It lived, but it stayed tiny. Then she moved to a different climate, and the plant thrived and became huge because it found the right enrivonment.

That sums it up rather well, about a change in environment. I don't dwell on the notion that my marriage had failed. I'm not even sure why such a word is what pressures people to stay in relationships that just aren't working out, no matter how much two people try, or don't try. I say don't try because it takes two individuals to look honestly at one another and agree that the other is hurting and both don't want that for the other, so both agree to try to put away past hurts and pains, address what works and what doesn't work and try to embark on a newer, healthier future.

We had that conversation a thousand times and still no change. So now I have decided to move on and he is really pissed. He really thought this torment was going to last forever. I swear I saw a twinkle in his eye today thinking he was going to get me to change my mind and stick it out with him once again. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde! He really thought this was a game that I would play forever. How sick!

I don't believe that a man that would allow a woman to "beg" for any semblence of physical affection, fits that notion of commitment to not wanting to see their wife or girlfriend or fiancee in distress.

Let me add to this, keeping in mind that I'm still amicable with my ex and his family. His brother has a wife that did have a breakdown of sorts. His brother was supportive of her in ways that he needed to be. She needed to live with a close friend for a small amount of time, as she addressed herself in counseling. He made certain, that as a family we all recognized she was in crisis and didn't he weap realizing how much pain she was in. He took the realm in parenting their children, while she focused on recovery. They, as a couple, and as a family worked with her counselors. They just celebrated another wedding anniversary, reaching close to 30 years. He was asking, what do I need to do? Not writing her off. Not playing games. Maybe he's not perfect, but he's as committed as a husband that I can think of.

He said he couldn't comfort me in my depression because he was the object of my problem. I can't believe how much I cried throughout this marriage. It's a montage in my mind of bad experiences that now outweigh the good by far.

Today, I took a hotel room and went with all three of my kids. They left the house without even saying good-bye to him or asking about his coming. One of my boys told me last week that he felt like he was raised by a single mom because his dad wasn't actively participating with him hardly at all. So it wasn't even just me he has neglected.

I'm having such a nice weekend listening to my boys. My oldest is 21 and he's really into Dungeon and Dragons with his friends at college. It is hilarious to hear them talk about this. They are so cute. The nerdiness is adorable. I'm even getting into the role playing.

It is so nice to be enjoying myself and not crying for a change.

That comment still rings in my mind when my H told me that "since you have tolerated me all these years I thought you would tolerate me for the rest of our lives".

Oh no. How horrid for you, my friend. And how creepy...imo

Something my first T used say, and I've heard it elsewhere since:

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten." Truer words etc....
Seems as tho your H was counting on that, yeah? Just as Eskie's was all those years.

All my best wishes and support. Time to transplant the effort to somewhere with productive conditions; so -- GO YOU!

xo,
Chyia, proud of you

I never thought about that before now. People will not treat you right, they will not change, and they don't think you'll ever really get away from them. Wow.

Thank you guys so much for all your support.

((((Tisha))))